Today is Sunday, February 25 and there are only 303 days until Christmas.  Start getting your lists together so people can hit the yard sales this summer for some real bargains.  Today we remember the birthdays of Walraad the Elder, Pierre Auguste Renoir and George Harrison.  On this day in 1751 the first performing monkey was exhibited in America, in New York City, and the admission was one cent, in 1870 Hiram Revels of Mississippi was sworn in as the first black member of Congress and in 1987 the US Supreme Court upheld Affirmative Action with a 5-4 vote.  In Kuwait it is National Day, in Mexico it is Coronado Day and in the US it is National Chocolate Covered Nut Day and National Clam Chowder Day.

Recently, the phrase “naked as a J-Bird” came up and I wondered what exactly was a J-Bird and how naked could one be.  Barbara and I assumed a J-Bird was a Blue Jay and started our research based on that.  We were unable to find anything connecting Blue Jays to nakedness or anything using J-Bird as a nickname for a Blue Jay.  Barbara then looked up the phrase and we found out that a J-Bird is not a bird.  In 1920s and 30s America, J-Bird was short for jailbird and when prisoners were brought in from the bus, they went to the showers, were given their kit and made to walk from one end of the prison to the other naked. Hence naked as a J-Bird – or jailbird.

This made me wonder about other sayings and where they came from.  I did some research and am going to share my findings with you.  One saying I always wondered about was “sleep tight.”  This 19th century expression isn't, as is often wrongly claimed, a reference to the tightness of the strings used to support mattresses. 'Tight' just means 'soundly/properly' and 'sleep tight' just means 'sleep soundly'. The word was probably chosen because of its rhyme with night, so people wished other 'good night, sleep tight'.  There are many meanings of the word 'tight' and it's no surprise that there are several theories going the around as to the origin of 'sleep tight'. One is that the phrase dates from the days when mattresses were supported by ropes which needed to be pulled tight to provide a well-sprung bed.  General wisdom believes that it simply means have a good sleep.

Another phrase I thought about was “going cold turkey.”  This refers to the abrupt cessation of a substance dependence and the resulting unpleasant experience, as opposed to gradually easing the process through reduction over time or by using replacement medication.  The term comes from the goose bumps that occur which resemble the skin of a plucked refrigerated turkey.  

A phrase that I always wondered about was to be “caught red-handed.”  The phrase means to be caught in the act of committing a misdemeanor, with the evidence there for all to see.  There have been a number of different explanations of its origin including the tale of how, in a boat race in which the first to touch the shore of Ulster was to become the province's ruler, one contestant guaranteed his win by cutting off his hand and throwing it to the shore ahead of his rivals.  Red-handed doesn't have a mythical origin however - it is a straightforward allusion to having blood on one's hands after the execution of a murder or a poaching session.

One that has always made me curious is “hoist on his own petard.”  So, what is the meaning of this?  Basically, it means to be hurt by one’s own plot or device intended for someone else.  A petard was a small engine of war used to blow breaches in gates or walls. They were originally metallic and bell-shaped but later cubical wooden boxes.  This bomb generally had a slow fuse, but sometimes went off prematurely, causing the engineer setting it to be hoist on his own petard.

Have you ever wondered about not “looking a gift horse in the mouth?”  So have I.  Here is what I was able to find about this gem.  Since horses' teeth grow over time, checking their length is a way of gauging old age. However, doing such a check would be a sign of mistrust toward the giver.  As horses develop they grow more teeth and their existing teeth begin to change shape and project further forward. Determining a horse's age from its teeth is a specialist task, but it can be done. This incidentally is also the source of another teeth/age related phrase – long in the tooth.  The advice is simple, when receiving a gift be grateful for what it is; don't imply you wished for more by assessing its value.

One final one and I will let you go.  This phrase has been around a long time and I always wondered what it meant to be “as pleased as punch.”   This derives from the puppet character Mr. Punch.  Punch and Judy shows, the popular summer-time entertainments on British beaches, have been somewhat in decline from the latter half of the 20th century onward, due to them being seen as politically incorrect. That's hardly surprising as the main character Punch is a wife-beating serial killer.  In performance, the grotesque Punch character is depicted as self-satisfied and delighted with his evil deeds, squawking "That's the way to do it!" whenever he dispatches another victim.  I have decided that I will no longer be as pleased as Punch.  Maybe I can start being as pleased as, I don’t know, how about Sangria.  From now on I will be as pleased as Sangria.

I hope you have not been too bored by this week’s episode.  I like to be able to give you obscure pieces of information that you can toss into a conversation occasionally.

This week our fact tells us that our hearing decreases when we overeat.  When we eat too much food, it actually reduces our ability to hear.  What?  Did you say something?

Today is Sunday, February 18 and there are only 197 days until Labor Day so the back to school specials should be starting any day now.  Today we remember the birthdays of Leon B Alberti, Thomas Girtin and John Travolta.  On this day in 1678 John Bunyan’s “The Pilgrim’s Progress” was published, in 1841 the first continuous filibuster in the US Senate began, lasting until March 11 and in 1979 the miniseries “Roots The Next Generations” premiered on ABC-TV.  In Gambia it is Independence Day, in Nepal it is Constitutional Day and in the US it is National Battery Day and National Drink Wine Day.  Tomorrow is Presidents’ Day in the US.

Let me start out by saying that I will be celebrating National Drink Wine Day today with great fervor, so please refrain from interrupting the festivities.  Besides, Barbara and I have a craft project we want to do and we still need 183 more corks.  Now on to more pressing issues.

As I mentioned, tomorrow is Presidents’ Day.  Presidents’ Day is an American holiday celebrated on the third Monday in February (Go ahead.  I’ll wait while you count back to be sure it is the third Monday). Originally established in 1885 in recognition of President George Washington, it is still officially called “Washington’s Birthday” by the federal government.  Traditionally celebrated on February 22—Washington’s actual day of birth—the holiday became popularly known as Presidents’ Day after it was moved as part of 1971’s Uniform Monday Holiday Act, an attempt to create more three-day weekends for the nation’s workers.  While several states still have individual holidays honoring the birthdays of Washington, Abraham Lincoln and other figures, Presidents’ Day is now popularly viewed as a day to celebrate all US presidents past and present.

I know that I have given you this information in the past so I won’t bore you with it all again.  The reason I brought it up was because of one thing that popped out while I was reading through the material.  The item I refer to is the phrase, “it is still officially called ‘Washington’s Birthday’ by the federal government.”  This is typical of government.  They take a holiday – Washington’s Birthday – and lump it together with other presidents’ birthdays, call it Presidents’ Day, make it a three day holiday and then pass an act to make it official.  However, it is still “officially called Washington’s Birthday” by the federal government.

“Hey, Senator Jones.  Will you be taking off for Presidents’ Day this year?”

“I don’t know if I will have the time, but I will be off for Washington’s Birthday.”

“What day is that?”

“Monday, the 19^th.”

“Huh?”

Recently I mentioned car commercials that show you things their car can do and then warn you not to do them.  I started to reflect on the way commercials present a company and how different that is from reality.  I would truly love to find a place that actually measures up to what the commercial shows.  There are always commercials that show grocery store shelves stocked with whatever product is being sold.  All the shelves are packed with the product and that is all you can see.  First off, I have never seen any store that has that much of any one thing on its shelves.  Secondly, if a store has that much of a product on its shelves, either the item is way too expensive or it is a lousy product and no one wants it.

A commercial for one store always depicts pleasant greeters showing you where to go to find what you are looking for.  The people working there are always smiling.  There is someone standing around to make sure you find a register that is available, or they open one just to get you checked out and on your way.  If you have been to that store you know that is not happening.  Generally, if a supervisor walks by and sees lines, they shake their head, mumble something like, “Where is Terry?” and then go off, as if looking for Terry.  Ten minutes later, you are still in line and neither Terry nor the supervisor has appeared.

Let’s talk about another reality.  Recently, Barbara and I went to a fast food establishment because we had a hankering for a particular type of sandwich.  We had seen it in a commercial and thought it would be nice to have one.  In the commercial, the sandwich looks so good.  It is stacked up nicely, the meat, cheese and condiments all appear fresh and tasty and the bun looks like it was just baked.  Now go to reality.  The sandwich is wrapped and pushed down so that it is only an inch or so thick, not like the commercial one where you wonder how you will even bite into it.  The reason the condiments are showing at all is because the meat is only partially on the bun and the rest is sliding out of the wrapper.  The bun looks like it was used for some kind of table hockey game while they waited for orders to come in.

Just to round out our gastronomical experience, I watched as a worker came out to clean tables.  In one hand was a cloth that looked like this was not the first table it was being used on.  In the other hand was a spray bottle containing who knows what.  He walked up to a table, sprayed it and wiped it with the cloth.  Then he went to the next table and repeated the process, using the same cloth.  This went on until all the tables had been “cleaned.”  You wonder why you and your children come down with so many different ailments?  Now you know.

This week our fact tells us that in Hartford, Connecticut it is illegal for a husband to kiss his wife on Sundays.  I suppose he can do “other things” but he cannot kiss her.  Lucky for him, many sporting events are held on Sundays, so he will at least have something to do.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have some celebrating to do.  Have a good week!

Today is Sunday, February 11 and there are only 284 days until Thanksgiving.  Time to start thawing the turkey so it will be ready to cook (and don’t forget to take out the bag of organs).  Today we remember the birthdays of Elizabeth of York, Thomas Edison and Jennifer Aniston.  This day in 660 BC is the traditional founding of Japan by Emperor Jimmu Tenno, in 1794 it was the first session of the US Senate open to the public and in 1993 Janet Reno was selected by President Clinton as US Attorney General.  In Bangladesh it is Shaheed Day, in Italy it is Giorno della Conciliazione Day and in the US it is National Inventors Day, National Peppermint Patty Day and National Make a Friend Day.

As you know, in just three days it will be Valentine’s Day.  I hope that everyone has done their shopping and gotten something nice for their Valentine.  Guys, remember what I have told you in the past – do not buy appliances or kitchen items for your lady, even if they say it will be okay.  If you do, plan on some long, lonely nights.  Ladies, you are safer.  If you buy a tool for your man, he will think you are wonderful.  In past years I have gone into the history of the day and have given a great deal of information.  Rather than bore you again, I would refer you to previous years.  

Recently, I was watching TV and actually paid attention to a car commercial.  They showed a car zooming along, negotiating curves at high speed and sliding sideways to a stop.  In small letters at the bottom it said, “Performed by a professional driver on a closed course.  Do not attempt.”  I started to watch other car commercials and realized that none of them were based on real life.  I mean, really, don’t show me how spectacular the car is and then tell me not to do what I just saw.

As I reflect on them, I have never seen a commercial that shows you how to sit on your leather seats after the car has spent several hours sitting in the summer sun while you are shopping in an air conditioned mall.  Most commercials do not deal with how well a car handles when you are driving and your kid is throwing up in the back seat.  It does not show you a car sitting in traffic, going 2 miles per hour, on your way down the shore.  They always show you drivers smiling and enjoying the ride, as they cruise along, with their well-behaved kids in the back seat.  The other thing that amazes me is that they always find a parking space when they get where they are going.

 Here is my idea of how a commercial should be.  A father is driving, ducking as the baby in the car seat behind him swings a stuffed animal at his head.  The mother, a harried look on her face, tries to convince the other two kids to shut up for just a little while.  The windows have dried ice cream and nose and finger prints smeared on them.  The father is complaining that they have been driving around looking for a parking space for two hours now and wondering if this is really a good idea.  The car keeps stopping automatically as people wander across the street without looking.  In small letters across the bottom of the screen it reads, “Performed by a family in danger of losing their sanity.  Try to avoid whenever possible.”  As the family starts to circle the block again, the voiceover says, “Vacation time is family time.  Enjoy the ride.”  You see the stuffed animal hit the father’s head and then watch as the car turns the corner, again.

We are only a couple days into the winter Olympics and I am already sick of them.  I find it hard to believe that there is so little going on that they have to fill time by telling me that Susie has wanted to skate since she was three and slipped on the sidewalk.  I am even less interested in how Igor got his start in the luge by using a board to get down the hill to school every day.  Show me events.  Show me people competing.  There are over 2,00 athletes who have worked hard to get to the Olympics.  I would rather see them involved in their sport and giving it their best effort, even if they don’t get a medal.  I don’t need to know about the lives of the athletes, especially if they are not from the US.  

I would be willing to bet that very few of them went thinking how nice it would be to let everyone know that they like to wear long underwear when they practice.  They went hoping to do their best and proud to represent their country on this international stage.  Show them doing that and shut up while they do it.  It isn’t really necessary to ramble on with useless information while the competition is going on.  As a skier goes down the hill at break-neck speed, don’t tell me how they prefer mashed potatoes when they are eating Sunday dinner with their family.

Okay, I am done venting.  I know this competition is going on for two more weeks and there will be a lot of times when things will annoy me, but I hope not to bore you with my rants.  I got my start in ranting when I was just six and found that I did not like …  sorry.  

This week our fact baffles me.  Whale hunting is strictly prohibited throughout the state of Oklahoma.  I was not aware that whale hunting had become such a problem out there.  Having looked at a map of the state, my only question would be, “Where, exactly, would one go to find a whale?”  I mean even if you can’t hunt them, it would be interesting to see one in Oklahoma.  Do they show up there because someone buys one when it is a baby thinking it looks so cute, but then as it grows they find it is difficult to take care of and they let it go in the wild?  Another time when some kind of explanation would be nice.

Today is Sunday, February 4 and there are only 280 days until my birthday, for those of you who may have missed it this past year.  Today we remember the birthdays of Tadeusz Kosciusko, Mark Hopkins and Chastity Bono.  On this day in 1789 the first electoral college chose Washington and Adams as President and Vice President, in 1849 the University of Wisconsin began in one room with 20 students and in 1972 Senator Strom Thurmond suggested that John Lennon be deported.  In Sri Lanka it is Independence Day, in Switzerland it is Homstrom, celebrating the end of winter, and in the US it is National Create a Vacuum Day and National Homemade Soup Day.

Well, here we are in February already.  It is hard to believe that January has gone by so quickly.  So here is what I can tell you about the month.  It is the second month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian calendars.  The Roman month Februarius was named after the Latin term februum, which means purification, via the purification ritual Februa held on February 15 (full moon) in the old lunar Roman calendar.  Historical names for February include the Old English terms Solmonath (mud month) and Kale-monath (named for cabbage).  In Finnish, the month is called helmikuu, meaning "month of the pearl"; when snow melts on tree branches, it forms droplets, and as these freeze again, they are like pearls of ice.

February birth flowers are the violet and the common primrose.  The birthstone is the amethyst, which symbolizes piety, humility, spiritual wisdom and sincerity.  The month is also American Heart Month, Black History Month and National Bird-Feeding Month.  That should give you more than enough to talk about at all those February parties you go to.

We finally got our Christmas tree down this past week.  The decorations have been removed and stored for several weeks, but we could not put the tree away because we were waiting for the storage bag we ordered.  The bag was originally ordered just after the holiday.  We received notification that it had been shipped and we were given a tracking number.  I checked and found that it been scanned into the major distribution center in Secaucus on January 14.  I thought that we would probably see it in a couple days.  Silly me!

A week later it still had not been received so I emailed the parcel delivery service and asked what the holdup was.  I pointed out that I could drive to Secaucus in less than an hour so I was not sure why it was taking so long to get it here.  They responded saying that the company that I bought it from would have to start the investigation as they restricted the delivery company from doing so.  I said that I thought that was ridiculous.  The package had been scanned in at their facility, so that meant that they had it in their possession, somewhere. 

I asked how it was possible that the company who sold it to me could prevent them from going into their own system to look for a package that they already had.  I then asked how the company would even know that they had looked.  I also expressed my dissatisfaction because now I would have to pay extra to have packages shipped by their competitor.  They stopped corresponding with me.  Go figure!

Now I had to go to the company and order another one as a replacement.  I told them what had occurred and requested the replacement.  I again got the tracking number and followed up, again showing that it was in transit, had been scanned into the Secaucus facility and I could expect delivery by Thursday.  It actually showed up on Thursday.  Barbara was tempted to get Valentine’s Day decorations for us to put on the tree.  I said I was glad it came so that I could get the tree put away before I had to start dusting it.  The last thing I need to do is watch my bills to make sure they do not charge me twice for it.

I have been wondering, lately, what it would be like if our electronic devices started having an attitude with us.  I use a GPS system in my car to go places I have never been to before.  I also use it for places I have been to because it will give me real-time traffic updates.  When I am first departing, it always wants me to go a certain way.  I sometimes go a different way because I have to stop for coffee or gas or just want to start out going my own way.  The GPS will keep trying to get me back on the route it has selected.  I am waiting for it to say something like, “Fine.  If you think you know better than I do, then just go whatever way you want,” or “Are you hard of hearing?  I said turn right.”  The device will also tell me if there is a traffic delay and offer me an alternative route that may be slightly faster.  I usually select to stay on the route I am on.  I keep expecting to hear, “I am trying to make your trip faster.  I can only help so much.  You have to work with me a little.”

We have one of those devices that can answer questions, work the thermostat, tell lousy jokes and play music.  Sometimes we ask for music and it responds, but doesn’t play music, so we request it again.  I almost expect to hear, “I heard you.  Give me a minute.”  Or I can hear my mother saying, “I wish you would respond as quickly as you want me to.”  When the day comes that these devices become that human, I am moving to the woods – with just my phone and my iPad, of course.

This week our fact tells us that Pinocchio is Italian for “Pine Eye.”  This reminds me of a joke.  One night a man with a wooden eye went to a dance.  Most of the women ignored him because of his eye.  Finally, he spotted a woman who was somewhat less than attractive and has a rather sizable nose.  He goes over and asks if she would like to dance.  She says, “Would I!  Would I!”  He gets angry and yells, “Oh yeah?  Well big nose, big nose!” and walks away.