It is Sunday, August 31 and tomorrow is Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer.  For those of you who care, the actual end of summer is still 23 days away.  There are only 116 days until Christmas.  The lovely Elaine still says no to Christmas music.  What is the female version of Scrooge?  Today we remember the birthdays of A. Provost Idell, Buddy Hackett and Itzhak Perlman.  On this day in 1535 Pope Paul II deposed and excommunicated King Henry VIII, in 1842 the US Naval Observatory was authorized by an act of Congress and in 1954 the Census Bureau was established.  It is Pashtunistan Day in Afghanistan, Malaysia Day in, of all places, Malaysia and Trinidad and Tobago celebrate Independence Day.

Last week I was lamenting the fact that Starbucks had acquiesced to what I referred to as the “coffee weenies” and stopped serving their stronger blends.  The following day, I was in a different Starbucks and they were serving the weaker Pike Place, too.  BUT – they were also serving Komodo Dragon one of their strongest blends and also one of my favorites.  If I had known it was that simple, I would have complained long ago.  I suspect; however, that the particular store I was in last week is frequented by people who just cannot deal with stronger coffee.  Too bad, so sad.

The lovely Elaine and I are starting to look into moving closer to our kids now that she has retired and commuting is not an issue.  We are looking, ideally, for a ranch, but we are open to what is out there.  We are looking into 55 and over communities, but I am not hopeful.  Most of the places we have seen are several stories and I am not interested in having to climb flights of stairs anymore.  These houses were obviously not designed by anyone who is 55 or older.  If it were they would not have stairs, they would have escalators or elevators.

I am not too keen on living in these organized communities anyway.  My wife says that it would be nice because I would not have to cut grass or clear snow.  Currently those are part of my exercise program (I try not to overdo by exercising too often).  Besides, I like having the toys needed to do the mowing and snow blowing.  I just got a new snow blower and I am hoping for a property big enough to get a lawn tractor.  I was born to ride, not watch someone else do it for me.

One issue that I have with these communities is that they are generally run by a board.  These people are the ones who impose their feelings and ideas on everyone else.  There are places that will not let you fly an American flag, places that do not allow overnight guests and we have heard of one group that did not like someone’s purple curtains because they could be seen from the street.  I do not want to move into a community where I have to spend my time arguing with people about my decorating choices.  I wonder how accepting they would be of my American flag and my Vietnam Veteran flag.

We have also considered looking at condos and town houses, but I think we have already eliminated them from contention.  Most of the ones we have seen are three or four stories high and have way too many flights of stairs.  People have told us that we could get a town house and just close off the parts we do not want to use.  Why do I want to pay for and heat or cool a space that I am not going to use?  That would be like building a stable but not owning a horse.

Whatever we decide to do, I am sure we will go into the buying process with open eyes and minds.  I do not want to be like the people you see on the TV shows about buying houses.  You know the ones I mean.  The people who don’t like a house because the living room is a color they do not like.  I cannot believe that these people have never heard of paint.  If you don’t like the color, change it!  Many of these young people want a house that is move-in ready.  They do not want to have to do anything once they are in.  Are you kidding me?  Changing the colors or the floor coverings is what makes the house yours.  Are people that lazy, nowadays, that they cannot do some decorating? 

The one complaint that always gets me is when they complain that the master bedroom is too small.  There is room for a king sized bed, dresser, chest of drawers and a chair.  What more do you need?  What is it you are planning to do that requires more room than that?  Or they claim that they want to use the room for a retreat.  From who?  They are a couple.  Who are they hiding from that they need to retreat to their bedroom.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask the other people to go home? Others complain that there is no walk-in closet.  A-h-h-h, too bad.  Be glad you have a closet at all. 

I really think that these people should be required to take a Reality class before they start looking to buy a house.  Some of them are too dumb to be allowed to own a house.  They should be put in a special facility where someone comes by each day and slaps them on the back of the head until they say things like, “You know, we could paint that room if we don’t like the color” or “That master bedroom won’t hold a hot tub and a trampoline, but we can still fit our furniture in there, so I guess it will work.”  Maybe they should just be required to wait until they are sensible enough to own a house.  Of course, for some people, that means they will be living in an apartment or with parents for a long time.

This week our fact tells us that astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages it.  Go figure.  Either the suit is cheesier than we thought or astronauts have some powerful gas.  Maybe NASA should have someone analyze (don’t you just love a good play on words or at least this childish attempt at word humor) their dietary regimen.

Today is Sunday, August 24 and for those of you who are counting, school starts (at least in this area) in just 9 days.  For the lovely Elaine, after having a first day of school every year for the past 58 years, in 9 days it will be just another day.  Hooray for retirement!  Today we remember the birthdays of Wilbur Wilberforce, Louis Teicher and Marlee Matlin.  On this day in 79 Mt Vesuvius erupted, burying Pompeii and Herculaneum, in 1869 the waffle iron was invented and in 1991 Gorbachev resigned as head of the USSR Communist Party.  In Liberia it is Flag Day and in Sierra Leone it is President’s Birthday.

Just something I am wondering - how hard is it to find a qualified person who has a birthday today so that he or she can be president of Sierra Leone so that they don’t have to keep changing the day of the holiday?  Or does the new president have to change their birthday to coincide with the holiday?  H-m-m-m-m.

I find myself at somewhat of a loss this week because we did not get out much.  The lovely Elaine has been suffering with a tooth issue that included an infection and a root canal.  As a result she has not been in much of a mood to go out.  She has not been in much of a mood to do pretty much anything, as a matter of fact.  And thank you, I will pass your best wishes on to her.

I did have one opportunity to be out and about the other day. The lovely Elaine had an appointment to go to and I drove her there.  I told her that I would go down the street to the Starbucks and would meet her there.  I went in and got on line to get my coffee.  One thing I noticed is that most Starbucks do not generally serve their stronger coffees any more.  Those strong blends are the reason I always liked going there.  Unfortunately, the coffee weenies have asserted themselves and as a result the blend that is typically served is the Pike Place blend, which is good, but not what I am looking for … but I digress

The Starbucks is in a town that has a rather inflated opinion of itself.  The people who live there and in the town’s “Upper” section seem to think they are, I don’t know, better than most people.  The women all walk around in their tight yoga pants, their fancy sneakers and their pony tails, with their children named Ashley and Trevor and Chastity and Morgan and other affected names.  The men all wear Oxford shirts (even in the summer), jeans and dress shoes.  If I dressed like the men there, I would be sweating so much it would look like I spent the day under a lawn sprinkler.

Anyway, as I said, I was standing in line waiting to place my order.  The people in front of me were ordering things like mocha cookie crumble or caramel ribbon crunch frappucinos.  They ordered iced caramel macchiato, shaken sweet tea, green tea latte and chai tea latte.  Some of these drinks sound more like new Ben and Jerry ice creams.  This is a coffee place!  Drink coffee!  Even if it is the weak stuff they are selling now.  So it was finally my turn to order and as I approached the counter the sales person was standing there poised with cup and marker to check off the flavors and whipped toppings and such that I wanted. 

I looked at him and said, “Medium coffee (I refuse to call it a Grande) and leave room for milk.”  He looked at me and said, “Is that all?”  I said yes and he hesitated for a moment and then said, “Oh, okay.”  He got my coffee, put it on the counter and looked at me as if to say, “You must be from out of town.”  I paid for the coffee, went to the area for sugar and milk and then sat down to wait for the lovely Elaine.  I had my tablet with me and proceeded to read a book I had downloaded.  

As I sat there, I saw three young boys come in.  I assumed that they are with a parent, because none of them appeared to be more than 10 to 12 years old.  It turns out that they were not.  They ordered beverages which included coffee.  I could not hear what they were getting, but could see that coffee was one of the ingredients.  I am not sure that they should have been drinking those beverages.  If I were their parent, I probably would have said, “Tyler, Laredo and Spencer, should you boys be drinking coffee beverages at your age?”  But I am not so I decided not to care.
  
I was sitting at a table in a row of four.  They chose to sit at the table next to mine.  We were the only ones there so I could tell the one boy was talking about me when he said, “Our usual table is taken, so I guess we will have to sit here.”  Obviously they were in the condescending-in-training program. I hope the kids did not think I was going to move so that they could have their usual table.  They should have known better.  Besides if they had looked, they would have seen that I was drinking regular coffee and was obviously from out of town.  Of course, if they had asked me to move, my response would have left little doubt that I was not from around there.  They did not stay that long and I had a pleasant time reading and drinking my plain coffee.  In due time my wife arrived, got herself a beverage and we headed home. 

 Fortunately for all who read my weekly diatribe, if it were not for that one foray, I would have had nothing to write about.  

This week our fact tells us that at some point in their school careers, John McCain, Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Sarah Palin have all performed in a production of the musical Oklahoma.  I did too when I was in high school, so there is still hope for me.  I am sure this will generate a good laugh from the lovely Elaine when she is feeling better.

Hey kids!  Another week has passed and it is Sunday August 17.  There are only 130 days until Christmas so get out the traveling fruit cake and get ready to send it on its annual holiday journey.  Today we honor the birthdays of Davy Crockett, Mae West and Larry Rivers.  On this day in 1807 Robert Fulton’s steamboat Clermont began its first trip up the Hudson River, in 1896 gold was discovered on the Klondike River and in 1960 Francis Gary Powers’ U-2 spy trial opened in Moscow.  In Argentina it is San Martin Day, in Indonesia and Gabon it is Independence Day and in the Yukon it is Klondike Gold Day.

First let me make a comment or two about Davy Crockett.  A number of years ago my family embarked on a grand tour that included the Rockies, Santa Fe and San Antonio, among other places.  I was excited because we were going to see the Alamo.  This was the trip, by the way where I spread chicken pox throughout the mid and south west … but I digress.  We arrived in San Antonio and went to the Alamo.  I was disappointed that there was no lingering evidence of dead Mexicans and Texans.  I had hoped for something that would indicate the great battle that went on there.  We did not even see the skulls of horses like we always saw in cowboy movies.  That was my first disappointment.

The bigger disappointment came when we were in the Alamo and saw a picture of the man himself.  He looked nothing like Fess Parker.  He was, I think, a bit on the ordinary side.   He did not look like someone you would call the King of the Wild Frontier.  A more appropriate title might have been a Guy from the Wild Frontier.  I couldn’t help but think that if this guy was the one they were relying on, it was no wonder things did not work out.  Of course the fact that there were some 1500 Mexican soldiers and barely 200 Texans in the Alamo might have contributed to the debacle.  But I was still disappointed and did not even want to buy a coonskin hat as a result.

Moving along, I wanted to give you a little history about the gold discovery on the Klondike River mentioned earlier.  Sometime prospector George Carmack stumbled across gold while salmon fishing along the Klondike River in the Yukon.  Carmack and two Tagish Indian friends were fishing on Rabbit Creek, a tributary of the Klondike.  At day’s end, they made camp along the creek and Carmack spotted a thumb-sized nugget of gold jutting out from the creek bank.  Further investigation revealed gold deposits “lying thick between the flaky slabs of rock like cheese in a sandwich.”  Carmack got rich, reportedly taking a million dollars worth of gold out of his Klondike claims, which was a considerable amount back in 1896.

Today, the Yukon celebrates their grand history with a week-long event known as Discovery Days.  There are family friendly events, writing competitions, walking tours and an arts festival.  So if you are looking for something to do next August, try Discovery Days.

I recently thought of a couple “what would you do’s” that I thought I would share with you.  One, I asked the lovely Elaine about one time.  We were out in my car driving along the highway and I said to her, “What would you do if you looked over and saw your car go by with a complete stranger driving?”  Her initial reaction was, “Why, did you just see it?”  Once I explained that it was just a hypothetical question, I got - the look.   Then she said we would follow the car while she called the police.  I suppose the plan would be to let them handle the situation.  I, of course would be there to support them, offering up a variety of swearing designed to bring the miscreant to tears, once he was cuffed of course.

Another one I thought of recently, I presented to Elaine and Pat.  My question was, “What would you do if a loved one died while you were away on vacation.  You had the body loaded on the plane to be brought home.  When you arrived and went to claim it, you found out that both the loved one and your luggage were lost.”  They would not even give any credence to that scenario.  They had a number of reasons why it could not or would not happen.  I guess that was because they could not say what they would do.  I suppose that once they read that last statement, I will get two looks.

Our fact this week tells us that armadillos, opossums and sloths spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.  I think you can add teenage boys during the summer to that list.

Welcome back.  Today is Sunday August 10 and there are only 93 days until my birthday.  It’s never too early to begin shopping.  It is the birthday of Camilio Benso di Cavour, Rhonda Fleming and Ronnie Spector.  On this day in 1519 Magellan set sail with a five-ship fleet to circumnavigate the earth, in 1866 the Transatlantic cable was laid and former President Buchanan communicated with Queen Victoria and in 1948 Allen Funt’s “Candid Camera” debuted on ABC.  In Ecuador it is Independence Day, in Italy they are celebrating Palio Del Golfo and it is Admission Day in Missouri.

I open today with some sad news.  My mother-in-law succumbed to heart problems and other issues this past week.  She was a wonderful woman and was always a pleasure to be with.  She was quiet, but knew how to speak up when necessary.  She was not verbose, but could make her point, strongly, when needed.  She had a good sense of humor and even after suffering a stroke several years ago, she still had a sharp wit and appreciated the jokes and humorous banter at our gatherings.

She was a strong, pragmatic woman who took what the world dealt out and handled it.  I always felt that I was lucky to have been accepted as her son-in-law and always said that I did better in the mother-in-law department than the lovely Elaine did.  I loved and respected my mother-in-law and always enjoyed her company.  In her later years, I was glad that I was available to help her and take her to doctor’s appointments.  She was not someone who wanted to be a burden and it was always hard to convince her that she was not. 

She was a person who cared about family and people in need.  The lovely Elaine always talked about how her mother took donations to Boys Town, the Goodwill Rescue Mission and other charities.  The family did not have a lot, but she was always ready to share when needed.  She believed in family and was appreciated by the cousins, nephews and nieces of her family.  She was loved by many and will be missed by all.

At her wake this past week, I was struck by a number of things that were both interesting and amusing.  The funeral home where she was laid out had another wake going at the same time.  The rooms were across from each other and had a sign on the wall over the guest book saying who was in each room.  It became apparent that people do not read those signs.  We had a number of people come into the room, look around, realize they did not recognize anyone and then go out to try the other room.

We had one woman come in with her young child, kneel at the casket, then get up.  It was at this point that she realized they were in the wrong room.  The fact that the person she was viewing looked nothing like the person she was there for did not seem to bother her.  What puzzled her was that she did not recognize anyone in the room.  It was not until she looked out into the hall and saw people she knew that it occurred to her that she had made a mistake.  One woman came in the day of the funeral, knelt at the casket, looked at my mother-in-law, stood up, turned to us and said, “That’s not Diane, is it?”  We told her that it was not and that Diane was in the other room.  She shrugged and went across the hall.

An interesting thing about wakes is the way people act while at one.  They sit in the room and stare at the deceased. Occasionally, they will talk quietly to a family member or a friend and you can tell that they are silently wondering what they should be doing and how long they have to stay.  I think the period of time that you stay is determined by how well you knew the deceased or the family.  From what I have observed, there are three levels of attendees at a wake.  The first level is the people who had a passing knowledge of the deceased or were co-workers or neighbors of the family.  These people come in, pause briefly at the casket, seek out the family members, express their condolences and then leave.  You can almost hear the sigh of relief as they walk out the door.

The second level is friends or neighbors of the deceased or the family.  They come in, kneel at the casket, seek out the family to express condolences and then sit in the chairs provided.  They spend their time trying not to look uncomfortable or bored and hope that someone they know will come in so they have someone to talk to.  They stay longer than the first level, but they are wondering how long is appropriate, because they do not want to spend the whole night.  They also want to be sure they get out before the priest shows up.

The final level is close friends and family of the deceased.  They are the ones who are in it for the duration.  They come and stay and offer comfort.  They share stories and memories and take advantage of being together.  Everyone bemoans the fact that life gets in the way of getting together and that it is a shame that it takes a death to get together.  They all say that they will have to stay in touch so that they don’t wait for another funeral to see each other.  We all know how that works out.

I know I have talked about this before, but I am going to repeat it.  I have told the lovely Elaine that I do not want a traditional wake.  I want to be in a small room.  I do not want people sitting there looking at me.  I know that people need to come see the deceased, if only to assure themselves that he or she is dead.  That is fine, but do not hang around.  I want a funeral home that is near a bar so that there can be a party.  I have told her that I want to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.  I have asked that my mouth be formed into a smirk.  It is what people would expect of me.  Besides, most people look as if they are suffering from gas and I do not want that.  So, when you hear about my wake, don’t be afraid to come.  It is not my intent to be typical.

This week our fact tells us that an office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.  That may be, but I would still rather have lunch in my office instead of the men’s room.