Today is December 1.  There are only 24 days until Christmas.  Are the cookies done yet?  Have the Christmas peeps from last year gotten hard enough to eat?  Do you have all the groceries for Christmas dinner?  You’d better get going!  Today we recognize the birthdays of Francesco Stradivari, Alfred Cellier and Bette Midler.  In 1804, on this day, Emperor Napoleon married Josephine of Martinique, in 1917 Boys Town was founded by Father Edward Flanagan, west of Omaha, Nebraska and in 1959 the first color photograph of Earth was received from outer space.  It is Restoration Day in Cape Verde, Independence Day in Iceland and Matilda Newport Day in Liberia.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving with their families.  I hope the food was good, plentiful and that there were lots of leftovers.  For those of you looking for something different, our friend Pat’s daughter, Kate, found a great idea.  Cook leftover stuffing in a waffle iron and then use the waffles as a base for the rest of the leftovers.  I tried it with leftovers on Friday and it was great.  Thanks for the idea Kate!

Recently, the lovely Elaine and I were driving home from our kids’ house and the scent of a skunk wafted into the car.  This made me start to wonder about animals like the skunk.  What exactly is the purpose of the skunk?  The only thing I can see that it does is stink up the house late in the evening after some other animal has bothered it or it has been run over by a car.  What could the skunk possibly have been used for?  I doubt that it was caught and eaten, unless you were extremely desperate and had no family or neighbors left to consume.  In all the paintings and pictures I have seen from history, I have never noticed anyone wearing clothing made from skunk or men wearing skunk-skin hats.  You start to wonder if maybe this was a mistake that never got corrected.

Consider some of the other animals that exist.  For example, the zebra.  Is it just a horse that was crossed with a skunk?  Did it develop stripes so that it would show up better against the brown and green background of Africa?  You wonder why the zebra, the mule, the donkey and the horse all came to be.  Why not just the horse or just the mule?  Which one was first?

Another animal that I always wondered about is the giraffe.  Why does that animal have such a long neck?  Did it develop over time because the other animals could not see what was going on behind the bushes and hills?  “Hey was that something dangerous over there behind that mound of dirt?”  “I don’t know.  I couldn’t see it.  Too bad we don’t have something with a really long neck that could see what was going on over there.”

There are many other animals that I wonder about.  Camels for example.  I don’t really see the entire purpose behind them.  I suppose that they developed as a method of crossing the desert.  But why not just use horses.  Or were the camels first and then the horses came along because camels were less attractive?   Why are there one-hump and two-hump varieties?  Were the two-hump camels for longer trips and the one hump was an extra storage tank for water?  Or was the second hump developed so people could sit between them because riders kept falling off the one hump?  I heard once that the camel was actually a horse that was built by committee.

Another issue that puzzles me is the need for alligators and crocodiles.  They are both ugly and dangerous.  Did we really need both?  What is their purpose?  Were they developed just to eat the slow-witted people who tried to play with them?  The only time I have ever seen alligators doing something worthwhile is when I watched one of those Top 20 shows and saw some lame brain trying to do tricks with one and the alligator got the guy’s head in its mouth.  But why both?  I think that one ugly, 10 foot long reptile that can run up to 35 mph should be enough.

Here is another puzzle.  We have deer. We also have elk and moose.  Why?  What could possibly be the need for all three?  Deer were a source of food a long time ago and still are in some areas.  What is the purpose of the moose or the elk?  If they serve the same purpose, then why do we need more than just the deer?  If all you want is variety, try beef or pork.

Recently I heard someone referring to an act as someone’s swan song.  The meaning was that this was a final act by someone before they left where they were.  What does a swan have to do with this final act?  More importantly, what does their song sound like that makes us think of the end of someone’s activity?  Does a swan even have a “song” or is it just a honk, like a goose?  And why a swan?  Why not a penguin or a lark or an eagle.  Or, considering it is the end of something, why not a vulture’s song.  “Yes he did that.  It was his vulture song because he was leaving.” 

I have heard someone being told he was acting like a horse’s ass.  What does that mean?  We know what that part of a horse’s anatomy does.  Does that mean that is what the person was doing?  How does one act like a horse’s ass?  Does he go out into a field and drop a large dumpling (or on the street if he is pulling a carriage)?  Why a horse and not a dog or a platypus or a lemming?  Doesn’t the horse have enough problems being confused with a zebra without stripes? 

This week our fact tells us that 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.   Not a very comfurting thaught when you consider that one of the uses for a dicshunary is to chek speling.

Have a great week and don’t forget to wish a Happy Independence Day to all your Icelandic friends.

Time is flying!  It is Sunday, November 24 and there are only 31 days until Christmas.  By now you should have your tree cut, the decorations on the house and your plans started for New Year’s Eve.  It is the birthday of Zachary Taylor, Scott Joplin and Dwight Schultz.  On this day in 1859, Charles Darwin published “On the Origin of Species”, in 1874 Joseph F. Glidden patented barbed wire and in 1947 John Steinbeck’s novel “The Pearl” was published.  It is John F. Kennedy Day in Massachusetts, tomorrow is Onion Market Day in Bern, Switzerland and Thursday will be Thanksgiving Day in the US.

Let’s talk about this coming holiday.  While various states claim to be the location for the first Thanksgiving dinner, the traditional one was in 1621 when the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians shared an autumn feast.  Initially, there was no official Thanksgiving Day.  Various leaders in individual colonies proclaimed days of thanksgiving in honor of a military victory, adoption of a state constitution or an exceptionally bountiful harvest.  These days were observed at different times of the year. 

On October 3, 1789, George Washington created the first Thanksgiving Day designated by the national government of the United States of America.  The day was to be held on November 26. After that, Thanksgiving Day was proclaimed each year by the president.  No Thanksgiving proclamations were made by Thomas Jefferson.  President Madison revived the tradition.  President Abraham Lincoln, in 1863, proclaimed that a national Thanksgiving Day be celebrated on the final Thursday in November.

Since then, Thanksgiving has been observed annually in the US.  Each year, Lincoln’s successors declared the final Thursday in November to be Thanksgiving.  But in 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt broke the tradition.  That year, November had five Thursdays.  Roosevelt declared the fourth Thursday as Thanksgiving.  His ultimate plan was to change Thanksgiving to the next-to-last Thursday.  He thought an earlier holiday would give merchants a longer period to sell goods before Christmas.  Fred Lazarus, Jr., founder of the Federated Department Stores, is credited with convincing Roosevelt to make the change.

The change was not well received.  Since a presidential declaration was not legally binding, his idea was widely disregarded.  Twenty-three states went along with his recommendation and 22 did not.  Some states, like Texas, could not decide and took both days as government holidays.  Finally, on December 26, 1941, Roosevelt signed a bill created by congress which made the date of Thanksgiving a matter of federal law and fixed the day as the fourth Thursday of November.

So there you have it.  All that foolishness for a holiday that people now-a-days generally ignore.  Most people feel that the only reason for the day is to kick off shopping for the Christmas season.  This year; however, Black Friday has been superseded by sales that have started during the week just past.  I guess you could call this the Gray Weeks leading up to Black Friday.

I understand that the holiday season “officially” starts with Thanksgiving, but now we have started the sales before the holiday has actually been celebrated.  Why is it we have to start everything earlier all the time.  The Christmas decorations were already up in stores right after Halloween.  I like Christmas music, but even I get tired of it when the stores start playing it on November 1.  I guess the purpose is to keep people thinking about the sales that stores are having.  You know, the ones where the prices are increased by 15% and then the stores advertise 10% off if you shop this weekend or buy three of the item instead of one. 

What really gets me are the stores that will be open on Thanksgiving Day.  What a total lack of regard for your employees.  This is one of the few holidays that is not tied to any religion.  It is a holiday for everyone, except the ones who have to work.  You can be sure that the people who made the decision to be open will not be at work.  They will be at home with their families, enjoying the day.  Oh well, to quote Mel Brooks, "It’s good to be the king."

As I said last week I am looking forward to the holiday.  I enjoy having the family over and the eating and playing Christmas music.  Our friend Mary Anne is one of the balloon holders in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (or the Macy Day parade as some call it).  She will be with Papa Smurf this year, so we will watch the parade and try to spot her.  I look forward to all of it.  When the lovely Elaine was expecting our son so many years ago, they had maternity pants.  These looked like regular slacks, except that there was an elastic panel in the front to allow the pants to stretch over the belly.  I wish they had those for men for holidays like this.  It would be easier than unbuttoning the pants and then forgetting to close them before standing up.  Oops! Not one of the “joys” of the holiday that should be shared.

This week’s fact tells us that $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the US.  Is the purpose to keep out or keep in?  Either way, I wonder if Joseph Glidden (mentioned earlier) realized the industry he was starting 139 years ago?

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving – eat, drink, be merry and don’t forget to button your pants.

Another week has passed and today is Sunday, November 17. There are only 38 days until Christmas. By now you should have your baking plan set to get all the cookies andfruit cakes done on time. More importantly, Thanksgiving is only 11 days away, so you should be staking out places to put your tent so you are ready for shopping on Black Friday.  Today is the natal anniversary of Joost van den Vondel, Louis XVIII and Martin Scorsese. Today in 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington, DC, in 1913the Panama Canal opened and in 1973 President Nixon told AP, “… people have toknow whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.”  It isArmy Day in Zaire, Monday begins National Children’s Book Week in the US andWednesday will be Repentance Day in West Germany.

While I realize that I have discussed this type of thing in the past, I want to revisit it for a couple reasons.  One is because it just continues to annoy me and the other is because I have recently noted a connection that I feel is worth mentioning. The subject is drivers.  As I have said in the past, there are some really bad drivers out on the roads.  We recently made our annual trip to Newport with our friends John and Mary Anne. This trip takes us up the parkway, onto 287, onto the Merritt Parkway and then to 95.  It usually takes about three hours to complete the ride.

This jaunt affords us the opportunity to see a variety of anal lacunae behind the wheels of cars.  There are the speeders who get in the left lane and exceed the speed limit by 10 to 15 mph.  These are the ones who just come up behind you, close enough that you can see if they need a shave (one did and I wanted to yell, “Lady lighten up” when she went by, but I did not).  Once you move out of the way, they press onto the next car that blocks their progress. They never stray from that lane and just tailgate you until you move.

The next type is the one who speeds, but is not limited to the left lane.  These people are the ones who fly along switching lanes as needed to avoid having to slow down.  They weave in and out of traffic, changing lanes and sometimes barely missing the car they pass as they jump into the next lane.  I find this type interesting because it is apparent that they do not ever look ahead.  Every once in a while they jump into a lane only to find that the car ahead of them is doing the speed limit.  This causes them to have to get back behind the car they were trying to avoid until a gap opens allowing them to rocket forward.

Then there are the ones who get into the middle lane and go 5 mph below the posted speed limit.  I can never tell if they are not aware of the limit, oblivious in general, or doing it just to be annoying. There is also the group that shoots out of an entrance ramp without yielding because, I assume, they are afraid someone might get ahead of them.  These are the ones who change lanes in traffic jams just to gain a car length.  The final group that gets me is the one thatobviously has no idea where they going. They drive along below the speed limit and then slow even more as they approach an exit, trying to determine if this is the one they want.  With all the different types of systems available to get directions, there is no reason for this type of driving.  If nothing else, get off the road and stop and ask for directions!

The connection I referred to earlier, was noticed in the Shop Rite.  A new store opened near us recently and the lovely Elaine and I went to check it out. As we walked through the store we came across all the different types of drivers that I mentioned earlier.  There are the ones who have specific items in mind and just push their way down the aisle.  If you get in their way they will just bump into you so that you will move. There are the ones who are in a hurry to get the chore done and weave up and down aisles getting their groceries and God help you if you get in the way.  These are the ones who come up behind someone, swerve to go around them and sometimes bump into someone coming the other way.

Then there are the people who just stroll down the middle of the aisle, not caring that they are blocking others trying to go in either direction.  You also have the ones who see you coming out of an aisle and push ahead to get into the next aisle before you, as if to prevent you from getting the last package of prunes or something equally important.  I have mentioned the last group a number of times.  They are the ones who wander around the store as if they have no idea where they are or why.

So there you go.  The question is a chicken or egg thing.  Do they act that way in the store because they drive that way?  Do theydrive that way because they learned the behavior in the store?  Or is the answer simpler – they are that way because they are …holes

This week’s fact tells us that 1 in 8 Americans has worked at a McDonalds restaurant.  I did. The one here in town opened back when I was in high school and I worked there as part of the original crew. To give you a sense of how long ago that was, we used fresh meat burgers, we made our own shakes and we peeled the potatoes and cut our own fries.

Have a goodweek and tune in again next Sunday for another episode of “As the DigressionTurns.”

OMG!  Today is already November 10.  There are only 45 days left until Christmas.  Have you started baking?  Are the gifts wrapped? No?  What are you waiting for?   Today we celebrate the birthday of Martin Luther, Guido Turchi and Roy Scheider.  By the way, tomorrow is the 34^th anniversary of my 30^th birthday.  Today in 1775 the US Marine Corps was established by Congress, in 1871 Stanley presumed to meet Livingston in Central Africa and in 1969 “Sesame Street” premiered on PBS-TV.  In India it is Guru Namak’s Day, in Indonesia it is Hero Day/Youth Day and tomorrow is Veterans Day here in the US.

As I am wont to do, I would like to discuss the holiday tomorrow in more detail.  World War I officially ended when the Treaty of Versailles was signed on June 28, 1919.  However, fighting ceased seven months earlier when an armistice between the Allied nations and Germany went into effect on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month in 1918.

In November 1919, President Wilson proclaimed November 11 as the first commemoration of Armistice Day.  The original concept for the celebration was for a day observed by parades and public meetings and a brief suspension of business starting at 11 AM.  An act approved on May 13, 1938 made the 11^th of November a legal holiday – a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace and to be known, officially, as Armistice Day.

 

It was a day primarily set aside to honor veterans of World War I.  In 1954, after World War II and the Korean War, the 83^rd Congress, at the urging of veterans service organizations, amended the Act of 1938 by striking the word “Armistice” and inserting the word “Veterans.”  This changed the holiday to Veterans Day.

From 1971 to 1978, under the Uniform Holiday Bill, which changed holidays to create 3-day weekends, Veterans Day was observed on the last Monday in October.  The holiday was moved back to November 11 because the date was a matter of historic and patriotic significance to many citizens.  The change was supported by an overwhelming majority of state legislatures and all major veterans service organizations.

This is a day to honor veterans for their service.  It is not like Memorial Day, honoring those who died in service to their country.  It is for all veterans.  If you know someone who is a veteran, take a moment to thank him or her for their service.

As I mentioned earlier, tomorrow is also my birthday.  When I was much younger, I had many of the kids I grew up with convinced that all the parades and celebrations were for my birthday.  They all thought it was great that we got my birthday off from school.  It was quite a letdown when they found out that all the hoopla was not for my birthday.  Oh well, I had them for a few years anyway.

I make a point about Veterans Day because as far as the rest of the world is concerned, we are now 11 days into the Christmas season.  After Halloween, nothing counts until Christmas.  This is because people do not go crazy shopping for Veterans Day gifts (or my birthday for that matter) or Thanksgiving gifts.  These are not holidays that will generate huge incomes as people work hard going overboard buying things for people.  Grocery stores will do okay at Thanksgiving, but that is just a one-day event.  There will not be parties leading up to the holiday, nor will there be gatherings after the holiday leading up to New Years Day.  So who cares about veterans?  Who cares about a holiday where no one gets gifts?  We need to start getting people into the buying mood by playing “Jingle Bell Rock” and other smarmy Christmas songs repeatedly for the next 45 days.

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy Thanksgiving.  It is a day to get together with family, eat to excess, sit around with your pants unbuttoned and then have dessert.  That’s a holiday!  No worries about getting the right size sweater or will they like the color or any of that foolishness.  This is simple – eat, rest and then eat some more.  Another benefit to the holiday is that we don’t have annoying Thanksgiving commercials.  Unfortunately we still have the annoying Christmas ones, but at least we don’t have talking turkeys telling us to buy our loved ones a car. 

This week’s fact tells us that $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.  That is why I have never gone on the show.  If that is all I can win, why waste my time.  I can spend a couple of minutes buying lottery tickets and win a lot more.  That plan has not worked well yet, but I have hope.

In the meantime, Thanksgiving is only 18 days away so get out the stretchy pants and get ready for the holiday.

It is hard to believe, but it is November already.  Today is Sunday, November 3.  Did you remember to fall back an hour?  There are only 52 days until Christmas.  Get those fruitcakes in the oven!  It is the birthday of William Cullen Bryant, Vilohjalmur Stefansson and Michael Dukakis.  Today, in 1762, Spain acquired Louisiana, in 1868 John W. Menard of Louisiana, became the first black elected to Congress and in 1952 Clarence Birdseye marketed frozen peas.  It is Culture Day in Japan, Independence Day in Panama and Father of Texas Day in Texas (of all places).

I know that I have complained about this in the past, but I have to be honest – I am really getting tired of commercials, in general, and insurance company commercials in particular.  Let’s look at some of the more ridiculous commercials we have seen. 

There is one for soup that shows two people sky diving, tethered.  The one person just happens to have a can of soup with her and says how much she likes the bold flavor.  He says he loves bold flavors and she says she would love it if he would open the ‘chute.  My first problem with this is that there is nothing in the commercial that connects soup to sky diving, so there is no sense to the scenario. 

 

My next question is why did she bring a can of soup with her when jumping out of an airplane?  Did she think to bring a microwave to cook it?  Did she feel she needed the additional weight because having a guy strapped to her might not be enough?  The part that bothers me the most is that a group of people thought that was a good commercial and pitched it to the soup company.  The soup company agreed and bought the commercial.  The worst part is that all these people are making a good deal of money and this is the best they can do. 

 

Another series of commercials that make me shake my head in disbelief are the ones for colognes.  Whether the cologne is for a male or a female, they make no sense.  You can tell as soon as one comes on that it is for cologne.  One I remember has a guy purported to be a sailor; however, he would never make it in any navy I have ever seen.  You see him putting on his hat and walking out a door and then the cologne name appears.  Is this cologne that appeals to the fake sailor market?  Is it something that is only sold at Halloween?  Maybe I am old-fashioned, but I just think that the commercials should make some kind of connection to the product being sold.

The most annoying commercials are the ones put out by three insurance companies.  You all know the ones I mean.  Frankly, I have been tired of Flo for quite some time now (I think since her first appearance), but they keep pushing her at us.  If they are trying for annoying, they have hit the nail on the head, but I think they are trying for humor and it is not working.  I cannot believe that they feel this is the best way to sell their product.

Another company uses a lizard, a talking pig and a number of other equally annoying things to sell their insurance.  If you have to resort to that kind of stuff, one has to wonder what is wrong with the insurance policies you are trying to foist off on us.  The final one uses a cartoon army officer with a penguin sidekick to convince me that I should buy their insurance.  He is shown playing soccer, baseball and a number of other sports that have nothing to do with driving as a way of selling auto insurance.  They advertise that you can get an anonymous quote on-line.  They then show a guy with a bag over his head on the computer.  If he is at home on the computer, why does he need a bag over his head?  Can this company see who you are when you log onto their site? 

I suppose I have gone on long enough, but I wanted to get this out of my system before we go into the holiday season and start enjoying Santa riding down the hill on a razor head and talking reindeer selling things.  I cannot wait to see what the Christmas season commercials will be like.  I am sure they will be amusing, thought-provoking, pithy and full of thought.  Just kidding.

Normally I do not get into politics, but I thought I might make a statement here about the upcoming election for governor in our state.  I have decided to vote for the challenger.  According to the commercials the incumbent has been putting out, the challenger has far more power than he does.  The incumbent would have us believe that she, alone, is responsible for all the tax increases, legislative pay raises and changes in the way education is handled.  That is the kind of person I want as governor.  Someone who can do all that without anyone else being involved is the type of powerhouse we need.  That’s all I have to say about that.

This week’s fact tells us that 10,000 Dutch cows pass through the Amsterdam airport each year.  Where are they going?  Are they all cows or are there bulls, too?  Are they catching flights or just on a tour of some kind?  This is one of those things that makes you go h-m-m-m.  Have a good week.