Today is Sunday, July 31 and there are only 147 days until Christmas.  Time to dig out the fruit cake you got from Aunt Betty, dust it off and get it ready to be passed on to someone else.  Today we remember the birthdays of John Ericsson, Primo Levi and William Bennett.  On this day in 1777 Marquis de Lafayette, 19, was made major-general of the Continental Army, in 1813 the British invaded Plattsburgh, NY and in 1953 the Department of Health, Education and Welfare was created.  In Mexico it is the Day of National Mourning and in the US it is National Raspberry Cake Day.

I would like to start out by asking for information.  Each week, after I post, I look at the stats for the previous week to see how many people have read my ramblings.  While the number is usually nice, what I find very interesting is that a number of people outside the US have read this blog.  People in countries like France, Portugal and Russia.  What I would like to know is how did you come across the blog in the first place?  I hope some of you will take the opportunity to post comments telling me to help settle my curiosity.  Thanks.

I have mentioned a number of times that I am getting old.  I know, we all are, but then I  see that, as mentioned earlier, I am older than the Department of Health, Education and Welfare and I start to realize that not everything has been around forever.  It is interesting to find out some of the things that came about after I did.  Some of the stuff was invented while I was just a kid and I didn’t really know about it.  As I got older, it was there and I never thought about it.

So, I decided to do some research, sort of a masochistic journey back in time, just to see some of the many things that were created after I was.  As an example, the credit card.  This is something I never really thought much about.  It was a convenience that people used instead of carrying a lot of cash all the time.  But then I found out that my parents were carrying me before they carried a credit card.  Some of the other items I preceded were the hover craft, video recorder and tape, tape cassette, Mr Potato Head, Velcro, power steering, Doritos and Quaker Instant Oatmeal.  I could go on, but why bother?  So many things that I thought were always around are actually younger than me.  If you ever want to feel old, research things that were invented after you were born.

One of the benefits to getting older is the entertainment value of having your hearing diminish a little.  I have always used the excuse that my hearing was not great because I was a jet engine mechanic in the US Air Force.  That may have had some effect, but the truth is that it is also age-related.  If you aren’t sure that is so, spend some time with older people.  You will notice two things – one is that everyone says “What?” a lot and the other is that they all seem to talk loudly.  My father used to claim that he did not have a hearing problem, it was just that we all mumbled.  But I digress …

As I said earlier, there is a certain entertainment value.  TV commercials are a great source.  For example, the other evening I was watching TV and a car commercial came on.  Keep in mind that when commercials come on, I sort of zone out and don’t pay too much attention.  But this car commercial got me when they announced that they were having their annual Freakin’ sale.  I was disappointed when I looked at the screen and saw it was actually a Freedom sale.

Another commercial that got me was one that started out with a boy talking about a reaction to peanuts, except that I was on my way to the kitchen and thought he had reacted to a body part (you know what I mean).  I almost pulled a muscle getting back to the living room to find out what that was all about.  Disappointingly, it was an allergy medication and the boy had reacted to peanuts.  Another commercial was about carpet cleaning and someone who I thought was Russian, except the guy was saying meet Kyle not Mikhail.  The are many more examples I could give, but I am sure you get the idea.  At least now you have something to look forward to as you get older.

Speaking of commercials, there is one that has been on recently that I find interesting.  It features a guy pitching a phone network.  This guy used to work for a different phone network, but they stopped using the series he was doing.  We haven’t seen much of him until recently.  Now he is pushing this new network.  The best part is that he is an actor doing a script, but we are supposed to believe that the network is the best because he said so and he should know because he used to read the script for the other guy.  I wonder if it would be the same if he were selling hemorrhoid cream.  He would talk earnestly about how good it was and then look into the camera and say, “Can you sit down now?”

This week our fact tells us that the longest officially recognized place name is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.  You would have to have an awfully big bumper to be able to put on a Visit … sticker.  Imagine the groan from the crowd at football games when the cheerleaders start, “Gimme a T …”

Today is Sunday, July 24 and there are only 49 days until Grandparents Day so if we hurry, we can still commercialize it.  Today we remember the birthdays of Alexandre Dumas, Frederick Law Olmstead and Bella Abzug.  On this day in 1651 Anthony Johnson, a free black, received a grant of 250 acres in Virginia, in 1847 the rotary-type printing press was patented by Richard March Hoe and in 1965 Bob Dylan released “Like A Rolling Stone.”  In Denmark it is Midsummer Day, in Spain it is Valencia Fair Day-Battle of the Flowers and in the US it is National Tequila Day (yahoo) and National Drive-thru Day.

I have a few things to bring up today.  I have noticed that the latest trend seems to be not paying attention – to almost everything.  I see this all the time when driving.  I know I have brought this up before, but I feel it is part of a larger problem.  I have no idea what they are doing, but people seem to not have any idea of what is going on when they drive.  They don’t drive the speed limit, they don’t stay in their lane, they almost miss exits and then have to do what the lovely Elaine used to refer to as the Oh S- - t dance.  You know what I mean. They are flying along at 70 MPH in the outside lane and suddenly realize their exit is coming up in a quarter of a mile and they say Oh S- - t and start slowing down slightly while they try to get over to where they need to be.  One other word of advice – don’t play Pokemon Go when you are doing 65 mph on an interstate.

You see this everywhere, not just driving.  How many times have you been bumped by a shopping cart because the person pushing it is looking everywhere but where they are going?  One of the things I have always enjoyed when people watching is seeing the people who walk into other people, benches, doors or other relatively obvious things simply because they are looking at their phone or looking in store windows as they walk past them.  The only fortunate thing is that I have not yet witnessed a fatality.  I would hate to be stuck in the supermarket giving my eyewitness account to police regarding the mangled mess of a store clerk who was smashed between two carts being pushed by people who were looking for steel cut oats and not watching where they were going.  Heads up people!  Pay attention!

Another thing I have noticed lately is that bike riders are annoying.  Understand, I am not talking about motorcyclists with their big helmets and leather clothing.  I am talking about those people with the tight shorts and shirts covered with advertising, wearing those weird pointy helmets that never seem to sit on their heads right.  Most of the roads in the area where I live have bike lanes.  Granted they are not always as wide as they could be, but they are there nonetheless.  All I want to say to these riders is stay in the space allotted to you.

These people are always straying out of the lane for one reason or another.  Sometimes they decide that they want to ride next to the person they are biking with, so they end up riding out of the lane, on the road.  Then there are times when they seem to get bored with riding in the lane and just weave back and forth, in and out of the lane.  The ones that get me are the ones going up a hill.  Apparently, when you are putting out extra effort, you not only pedal harder, but you also rock back and forth so that there is a better chance that a passing car can clip your elbow or handlebars.  I would think that if you are dressed like that you would want to draw as little attention to yourself as possible.

Recently I was told that I had apparently pocket dialed someone with my phone.  Understand, I only took over the smart phone that had belonged to the lovely Elaine a couple months ago.  I am amazed that I can make a call when I am trying to, let alone do it while the phone is in my pocket.  What makes it more interesting is that I called the person on his house phone.  Usually, when I call him, I call his cell.  When he told me about it, I decided to analyze what went into making that call.  First, I had to swipe the screen to wake the phone up.  Next I would have to go into my contact list and select his entry.  Then I would have to make the call.  I was able to do all this with the phone in my pocket, without touching it!  Now I just need to train my pocket to make calls that I want to make when I want to make them.

A couple nights ago I went to one of those all you can eat buffets with my family.  Let me tell you, if you want to watch people at their worst, that is the place to go.  I saw people piling food on their plate like they were only going to get one shot at the tables.  There was one couple who came in and when the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, he said hot tea and she said a diet soda.  When the drinks were served, he asked for ice because the tea was hot.  She guzzled her drink, asked for a refill and then went off to load up a plate with enough food for herself and two others, but she was drinking diet soda, so I guess it balances out.  That’s like saying that the calories you consume on a holiday don’t count or … but I digress.

There was one woman who decided that it was easier to eat the shrimp right at the serving table rather than carry her plate to her table.  Someone finally explained to her that she couldn't do that.  She was quite annoyed, but loaded her plate and went to sit down.  There was another person who walked around eating from his plate while he added things to it.  It was like he felt it was impolite to have an empty space, but also felt compelled to be eating at all times.  I don’t know that he ever actually sat down.  That’s the nice thing about this type of place, you can get dinner and a show.

Quick question – if a man is walking in the woods and there is no woman there, is he still wrong?

This week our fact tells us that an infinity sign is called a lemniscate.  Why can’t we just call it an infinity sign?

Enjoy your week.  I am off to find a place with a drive-thru tequila window.

Today is Sunday, July 17 and there are only 161 days until Christmas. Time to start untangling the strings of lights.  Today we remember the birthdays of Isaac Watts, John Jacob Astor and Phoebe Snow.  On this day in 855 St. Leo IV ended his reign as Catholic Pope, in 1938 Douglas (Wrong Way) Corrigan left NY for LA and wound up in Ireland and in 1962 the Senate rejected Medicare for the aged.  In Korea it is Constitution Day, in Mexico it is the Day of National Mourning and in the US it is National Peach Ice Cream Day and National Yellow Pig Day.  Also, for those of you who need an excuse, Tuesday is National Daiquiri Day.

I don’t have much to discuss this week.  I have been taking my younger grandson to a cooking class this past week.  He alleges that he made some great stuff.  I assume he did since he ate it by the time class was over each day.  My daily routine was to take him to school and then go home and take care of some chores.  Then I would go pick up my older grandson and we would go pick up the “chef”.  We would then spend the next few hours having lunch and driving all over the place playing Pokemon Go.  I have to be honest, I have no idea what that is all about.  All I know is they enjoy it.  They are always finding things and speaking in a language that I do not understand.

The thing that bothers me about this is that people have found a way to take something fun and entertaining and make it dangerous.  There have been stories about people being beaten, robbed, molested and, in one case, kidnapped.  Have we really fallen so low that we take advantage of people having a good time by stealing from them?  That is a shame.  I think that a concentrated effort should be made to catch these people.  Once caught, they should be made to memorize all the different aspects of the game before they can be released.  Listening to my grandsons, I would be incarcerated for quite some time.

The other day I called a company to pay a bill.  It took me longer to go through all the security questions than it took to actually make the payment.  Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?  I would think that if I am calling to pay a bill, they would just say, “Okay, what is the account number and how much do you want to pay?”  I would then give them the information they needed and that would be that.  Are there really strangers calling to pay my bills?  And if they do, why not let them?  Let’s face it, if someone tried to pay your gas and electric bill would you really want some security-conscious phone rep to stop them?  The company should just be happy that the bill is being paid and not care who is doing it.

I was, briefly, watching a show on fashion the other evening.  They were showing some very nice outfits.  Not that unusual, not really ever worn in public stuff that you see during fashion week, but nice everyday stuff.  The problem was, and I know I have said this before, the outfits were not designed for real people.  The models were lovely, had great hair and makeup and looked like they ate about 8 ounces of food a day.  Now take that same outfit and put it on the typical woman of today.  The woman who got up early to get her kids ready for school, took a quick shower, ran a brush through her hair, slapped some lipstick on, put on that outfit and dashed out the door.  Not the same polished, lovely look contrived by stylists, makeup artists and a team to dress her.  It is not fair.  Models should have to do their own hair and makeup and only have 10 minutes to get it done before they go on.  That would be more realistic.

Don’t get me wrong, it is no better for men.  The average male model has a great tan, great hair, straight teeth, is thin, well muscled and always smiling.  The real man, who wants to wear those clothes, is usually a little thick around the middle, if he has hair it could use a trim, usually doesn't have a tan because he is inside working and is generally too worried about his job and paying bills to smile.  When he wears those clothes, the jacket never closes completely and he is doing good if he remembers to zip up before going out.  I think the time has come for companies to use real people to advertise their products.  I am available, as long as it doesn’t interfere with Pokemon Go.

Two more things I want to mention and then I will let you go for this week.  One thing, I read recently that we should start referring to “age” as “levels” so that when you are level 80 it sounds more badass than just being old.  The other thing is that sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say, “I know it’s hard. You’re going to be okay.  Here’s a coffee and 5 million dollars.”

This week our fact tells us that in 2009, Facebook rejected co-founder of WhatsApp Brian Acton’s application for a job.  WhatsApp was later created and ultimately sold to Facebook for $19 billion.  The HR person is going to take a long time paying off that mistake.

Today is Sunday, July 10 and there are only 174 days until New Year’s Eve.  Remember it is never too early to get your goofy 2017 glasses.  Today we remember the birthdays of John Calvin, Nikola Tesla and Owen Chamberlain.  On this day in 1890 Wyoming became the 44^th state, in 1919 President Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate and in 1965 The Rolling Stones scored their first #1 hit, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”  In Albania it is Army Day, it is Independence Day in the Bahamas and in the US it is National Pina Colada Day and National Clerihew Day.

Okay, a show of hands, how many of you know what a clerihew is?  Neither did I so, for your benefit, I looked it up.  A clerihew is a whimsical, four-line biographical poem.  The first line is the name of the poem’s subject, usually a famous person put in an absurd light.  The form was invented by and is named after Edmund Clerihew Bentley.  The first one was published in 1905.

A clerihew has the following properties:

                It is biographical and usually whimsical

                It has four lines of irregular length and metre

                The rhyme structure is AABB; the subject matter and wording are often humorously    contrived in order to achieve a rhyme, including the use of phrases in non-English languages

                The first line contains, and may consist solely of, the subjects name

Here is an example –        Sir Humphry Davy

                                          Abominated Gravy.

                                          He lived in the odium

                                          Of having discovered sodium.

Take a minute to enjoy the humor and whimsical nature.  Now you know why you have never heard of a clerihew.  But take some time to create one so you can dazzle your friends with it at the next barbecue.  Assuming you like getting that look that says you should cut back on the cocktails.

I have to say that I am seeing commercials for products that address something that I did not know was such an issue.  Maybe it became a cause célèbre while I was dealing with other more personal issues and I did not hear about it.  When did women start peeing when they laughed, coughed, sneezed and so on?  I know a bunch of women, but I never noticed that they had the problem.  I know that the lovely Elaine did not.  I would have known, too, because they way she laughed sometimes, everyone in the room would have noticed.  This can’t be something that has been going on for a long time, because they have only recently come out with products to deal with it.  That would mean that if this was a long-term problem, women have been walking around with wet underwear for quite some time.

This brings up my next few questions.  If this is not a new problem, what did women do about it before they came up with products to deal with it?  If it is a new problem, what is suddenly causing women to pee when they laugh?  I know people who laugh so hard that they cry, but I have never actually seen a person laugh until they pee.  I have heard people who were laughing hard say, “Stop. You’re going to make me wet myself,” but they never actually did.  So what is causing it?  Are people generally funnier nowadays?  Was this a problem back in the early 1900’s when people were being entertained by clerihews?  Why is this not a problem for men?  Do men have stronger bladder control, or do they not find things as funny?

Here is my take on this whole thing.  I think that the companies that make feminine hygiene products had a surplus of pads and the like.  I have no idea why they did, but that is what I think.  As a result they came up with this cockamamie (there’s a word you don’t hear much these days) scheme to convince women that they need these products because they have suddenly started peeing when they laugh, cough, sneeze, clear their throat, blow their nose, cheer at a sporting event and so on.  Do they really?  I think not.  I think they buy the products because earnest women in commercials tell them they should because it is such a relief to know that they were protected.

Why don’t men have the same problem?  Because they have not come up with a product that men could use to protect themselves.  Rest assured that they are working on creating something.  As soon as they have it we will be seeing commercials about men worrying about wet spots appearing on their pants when they laugh.

I’m back.  I thought that last bit was amusing and I chuckled.  To be safe I ran to the bathroom.  False alarm.  I hope they come up with something for men soon.  Aside from the fact that I find many things funny, I am getting older.  I am not ready for the full male diaper thing yet, but funny is funny.  (Pat, you can put your new favorite emoji here)

This week our fact tells us that grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.  Just to test this I put a couple in the microwave and nothing happened.  I then realized that just putting them in would not cause them to explode.  You actually had to start it.  Unless you enjoy cleaning exploded grape out of your microwave, I do not recommend this.  It is really not all that entertaining.

Go have a pina colada and enjoy the day.

Today is Sunday, July 3 and there are only 175 days until Christmas.  Hey if you aren’t prepared, don’t blame me.  I have been warning you.  today we remember the birthdays of Samuel de Champlain, Franz Kafka and Pete Fountain.  On this day in 1608 Quebec City was founded by Samuel de Champlain, in 1819 the first savings bank in the US, Bank of Savings in New York City, opened its doors and in 1986 President Reagan presided over the relighting of the renovated Statue of Liberty.  In Algeria it is Independence Day, in Idaho it is Admission Day and in the US it is National Fried Clam Day and National Chocolate Wafer Day and tomorrow is Independence Day.

Variously known as the Fourth of July and Independence Day, July 4th has been a federal holiday in the United States since 1941, but the tradition of Independence Day celebrations goes back to the 18th century and the American Revolution.  In June 1776, representatives of the 13 colonies then fighting in the revolutionary struggle weighed a resolution that would declare their independence from Great Britain. On July 2nd, the Continental Congress voted in favor of independence, and two days later its delegates adopted the Declaration of Independence, a historic document drafted by Thomas Jefferson.

In the pre-Revolutionary years, colonists had held annual celebrations of the king’s birthday, which traditionally included the ringing of bells, bonfires, processions and speechmaking. By contrast, during the summer of 1776 some colonists celebrated the birth of independence by holding mock funerals for King George III, as a way of symbolizing the end of the monarchy’s hold on America and the triumph of liberty. Festivities including concerts, bonfires, parades and the firing of cannons and muskets usually accompanied the first public readings of the Declaration of Independence, beginning immediately after its adoption. Philadelphia held the first annual commemoration of independence on July 4, 1777.

In 1870, the U.S. Congress made July 4th a federal holiday; in 1941, the provision was expanded to grant a paid holiday to all federal employees. Over the years, the political importance of the holiday would decline, but Independence Day has remained an important national holiday and a symbol of patriotism. 

That should give you some things to talk about at your barbecue tomorrow.  But now, let’s go on to other things.  As I mentioned last week, I was in Austin Texas.  I have some other items that I wanted to share with you.  Here is a question that I am hoping someone can answer for me.  In the hotel we were in, most of the rooms had a large picture window in the room that looked out onto the hallway.  My question is why?  The hotel was built with a big open area in the middle, but the window would only look out on the windows across from you.  There was nothing to see; however, if you forgot to close the curtains, there would be a lot to see in your room.  I was just wondering.

We saw a lot of interesting things while we were out there.  My brother commented on how svelte he felt compared to the average male in Texas.  It seemed a matter of pride to wear a shirt that may have fit 30 pounds ago, tuck it in and walk around with your belly protruding out over your belt … way over your belt.  I asked my cousin if there was some kind of statute that set a protrusion requirement.  She said she didn’t think so.  One other weird thing we saw driving around was a café with a sign on it that said it was closed for lunch.  H-m-m-m-m.

One little bit of excitement we had occurred on our last day there.  My cousin had loaned us a cooler to use to carry beverages.  She even included bottles of water and soda for us.  We planned to get together with everyone on our last day for dinner, so she said to just bring it back then.  That morning, we emptied the water out, placed the cans of soda in the lid and left the cooler open to dry.  Things went well until we were pulling into the restaurant parking lot.  As we entered, we suddenly heard a loud noise.  We thought we had hit something or blown a tire.  I happened to look in the rear view mirror and saw soda running down the back window and we realized that letting soda cans sit in a hot car all afternoon was not a good idea.  Fortunately the can was facing the back of the car and only the window got sprayed.

The best sight we saw happened while we were in the lobby during happy hour.  Sue and I were sitting there with our wine when a couple came into the lobby.  I spotted them and then Sue did.  Now, anyone who knows me will find this very hard to believe, but I was speechless!   I will do my best to paint this picture for you, but trust me when I tell you that you had to see it to believe it.  The male in the couple was about six feet tall.  He had long gray hair that went to his shoulders and ended in a flip.  He had round glasses that made him look like he was surprised.  He wore an athletic tee that was kind of gray.  His shorts were sea foam green and looked like they belonged to a 12 year old girl.  His socks were mid-calf, matched his shorts and had pandas on them.  His sneakers also matched the shorts.

His wife was a little over five feet tall and almost as wide.  Her clothing was a variety of colors and none matched.  One thing we noticed about both of them was that they eschewed underwear.  He was obviously going commando, but not in a flattering way.  It appeared that he was carrying a snail around in his shorts.  She was just as bad and wore no supporting garments.  It looked like she had two small children under her shirt who were fighting whenever she moved.  They were there for about ten minutes and then left.  We never did figure out what they were looking for.

This week our fact tells us that in snow skiing, most men fall on their faces while most women fall on their behinds.  So now are we going to have to get legislation to allow transgender people to fall based on how they identify themselves?

Have a good day tomorrow and be safe.  God bless America!