Happy Easter!  Today is March 31 and there are only 269 days until Christmas so get started on those fruit cakes.  Birthday greetings to Rene Descartes, Al Gore and Erik Turner.  On this day in 1880, Wabash, Indiana became the first town completely illuminated by electric lighting; in 1918 the first daylight savings time went into effect and in 1972 the Official Beatles Fan Club closed down. As I said, it is Easter, world-wide, it is Republic Day/National Day in Malta and tomorrow will be Seward Day in Alaska.

I am going to start out with something a little political today.  The polls have been published and our governor still has a rather high rating of 72% popularity among the 1129 people who were asked.  An interesting fact is that the majority of that same group is in favor of same-sex marriages.  My question is why does that group have so much influence when it comes to the governor, but not when it comes to the other issue? Personally, I do not see what the big deal is.  They claim that same-sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage.  How?  That is like saying that allowing more kids to go to school will destroy education.

Are our politicians aware that legalizing same-sex marriage does not mean that they have to do it?  Just because the governor signs it into law does not mean he has to go out and find a man to marry.  It simply means that a group of individuals will now have the same rights that everyone else does.  Politicians claim that they cannot approve such an issue on moral and/or religious grounds. 

(Make your own appropriate loud wake up noise here)  Wake up people!  First of all, your moral convictions are not necessarily mine.  You were elected to represent us, not you.  If the majority of people who so impressively approve of the governor also approve of same-sex marriages, why is this a problem?  Second, do not tell me you are voting for or against something based on religious ideals.  We are constantly hearing about the separation of church and state.  How can you vote on something based on your religious beliefs and still maintain that separation?  Again, do not assume that your beliefs are the same as everyone else’s.  Vote for what your constituency wants, not what you want.

One other point I want to make before moving on.  Religion should not have anything to do with this issue.  You do not need a church to get married, nor do you need the permission of any religious body to get married.  All you need is a license, which is issued by the community you live in.  The church is just trappings and an excuse to wear a big, fancy dress and have six or seven of your girlfriends wear a gown that they would normally not be caught dead wearing.

Now that I have expressed myself on that issue, let’s move on to something far less controversial.  I was ironing a shirt recently and was having a problem with a crease on the back of the shirt.  I could not convince it to go away completely.  I was about to spritz it with water when I realized that I was worrying over nothing.  So what if there is a crease in the back.  Who really ever notices the back of your garment?  I have been in a number of social settings and do not ever recall seeing someone stop to check out the back of a person’s shirt or blouse. 

I am always asked why I wear shirts that need ironing.  “Why don’t you just wear knit shirts?” is the plaintive cry.  The reason is that I do not like tight things, be it shirts, ties, watches, whatever.  When I say this I am told that I am crazy (I get that a lot).  If that were true then why did the VA deny my claim for PTSD?  Am I just crazy enough to not like tight clothing, but not enough to generate funds from the VA?  Where is the cutoff?  But I digress …

Imagine, if you will, two people meeting at a party.  After introductions, one moves around to the back of the other and then says, “I am so sorry.  I would love to chat with you and get to know you better, but I notice that the back of your shirt is wrinkled.  I’m afraid that I will have to move on.”

So I have decided to just quickly run an iron over the back and not worry about it.  If someone notices that it is wrinkled they will assume that it is because I was sitting at some point and the shirt got wrinkled.  Like I have said before – c’est la vie.  Way back when jobs required that you wear a suit to work, I used to just iron the front of my shirts and the collar, since they were the only parts that were actually seen.  Why should I start worrying about the back now?

Again, Happy Easter!  Remember, tomorrow is April Fools Day.  As Martha Stewart says on her calendar – Beware of pranksters!

Today is Sunday, March 24.  Happy Palm Sunday.  There are only 276 days until Christmas, so start watching for the Swiss Colony sales.  Today is the birthday of Jose F de Isla, Andrew Mellon and Steve McQueen.  Today, in 1664, Roger Williams was granted a charter to colonize Rhode Island; in 1898, the first automobile was sold and in 1960 the US Appeals Court ruled that the novel “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” was not obscene.  It is Army Day in Laos and Agriculture Day in the US.

I have a few different items to discuss this week.  Nothing pressing, just some things that I wanted to toss out for your consideration.  The lovely Elaine and I went to Red Lobster recently for dinner.  Elaine was salivating at the thought of Lobster Fest, we had a gift card and a coupon.  You have to understand – a gift card and a coupon is a combination that she will not pass up.  For those of you who care, we had a very nice dinner.  She had her lobster and I enjoyed their pork chop dish (I am not a seafood person, generally).  

But here is the issue.  They advertise unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits.  I said to Elaine, “Are these CHEDDAR Bay Biscuits or are they CHEDDAR BAY biscuits?  If they are the former, what does a regular Bay Biscuit taste like?  Why would someone want to add cheddar to them?  Are there Garlic Bay Biscuits or any other flavors?  If the latter, where is Cheddar Bay and what is so special about it that they would name a biscuit after the place?”  She gave me “the look” and took another bite of her biscuit.  I got the distinct impression that she really didn’t care one way or the other.

Here is another issue that I have wondered about for some time and which came up again the other night.  I was surfing channels to find something to watch.  There is not much worth watching on TV after midnight, in my opinion.  I happened to pass by a channel showing part of a fashion show.  I was struck by several thoughts.  One was that I thought it was interesting that most of the clothing you see on these shows is never actually worn by anyone in real life.  At least I don’t think it is.  Of course, I do not generally hang out with the type of people who might wear it.  You know the ones I mean, the ones who think eating a big meal is looking at pictures of food while having a cracker and a small glass of water.

What I also find interesting is that most clothing is not designed for the average woman.  All the models are rail thin, tall, leggy women with no real shape, no breasts, no butt and no shoulders to speak of.  Look around you!  This is not what most women look like.  If you want to sell clothing, design something that looks good on the typical woman, the one with large breasts or broad shoulders or who is short or chubby or has a slightly out-of-proportion butt.  If you can do that people will beat a path to your store.

I know I have said this before, but I feel I should repeat the complaint.  I recently saw a commercial for a cream that will remove the bags, dark lines and wrinkles from under your eyes.  The commercial touted the cream, saying it would stop the aging process and make you look years younger.  If the model they were using looked years younger, she would still be in grammar school.  If you want people to really believe that your product works, use a person who has the problems you claim you can correct and show us the results.  Nothing speaks louder than results.

One more issue that I find interesting is when you make a purchase in a store with your credit card.  In many of the stores, the pad where you sign has a message that comes up telling you the amount of the charge and asking if this is okay.  I have wondered what would happen if you said it is not okay.  What would the reaction be if I said, “No that is not okay.  I have been unemployed for over a year and that is just too much.  I would rather that it be around $5 rather than the 26.89 you are charging.”  I may have to give that a try some day.  I’ll let you know the results.

Okay, I have vented and feel better for it.  Thank you for tolerating my ramblings.  By the way, to follow up on the Martha Stewart calendar thing, I thought I would give you advanced notice for a couple matters in April.  On the fourth you should schedule the spring maintenance for cars and farm vehicles, on the 11^th you want to wash winter clothes and store with sachets of cedar shavings and on the 28^th, you want to sow tomatoes in the greenhouse.  By the way, don’t forget Nephew Kirk’s birthday on the 17^th.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  Today is Sunday, March 17 and there are only 49 days until the lovely Elaine and I celebrate our 40^th anniversary.  It is also the birthday of James Bridger, Gloria Swanson and Mia Hamm.  On this day in 1762 they held the first St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City, in 1868 the postage stamp canceling machine patent was issued and in 1941 the National Gallery of Art opened in Washington, DC.  It is Evacuation Day in Boston, St. Patrick’s Day and Irish National Day in Ireland and World Maritime Day world-wide.

Recently my wife and I were on the road going to visit our friend Pat.  As we rode along, I came up with a way to solve the financial problems in the state.  It is very simple – enforce the traffic laws.  Let me explain.  I drove at the speed limit, 65 mph.  I do the limit because I do not see a need to go faster.  I know that where I am going will be there when I arrive so I do not have to rush.  If I am supposed to be there at a particular time, I always leave early enough so that it will not be a problem.  But I digress …

As I said, I was doing the speed limit.  Over a period of approximately one minute, 19 cars passed me.  A conservative estimate put their speed at least 10 miles over the limit.  These cars were also weaving in and out of lanes without signaling, tailgating and other offenses.  Here is where it gets interesting.  The penalty for driving 10 to 14 miles over the limit in the 65 mph area is $156.  The penalty for careless driving, with no accident, in the 65 mph area is $136.  So those 19 speeding cars would generate an income of $2964.  The income for careless driving would be $2584.  The total for both would be $5548 – for one minute, on one road!  That comes to $332,880 an hour.  For a 12-hour period that would generate $3,994,560!!

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that if traffic laws were enforced on a regular basis, that amount could be quite significant.  And that is just the income from speeding and careless driving.  There are other offenses such as not using headlights with windshield wipers, displaying unclear or indistinct license plates or leaving your vehicle with the engine running.  The fine for tailgating is $81.  That would have added an additional $1539 to the one minute income. 

I cannot be the only person who has driven by a state police barracks and wondered why there are so many police cars sitting in the parking lot.  When I saw all the cars flying by me I thought, “Perhaps if we put those police cars out on the road enforcing the laws, we could make some money and keep the roads safe.”  Or words to that effect.  I am not usually that pedestrian in my language. I tempered my usual rant in deference to those of you with a more sensitive nature.  In any event, that is my solution.  You don’t have to thank me.  I developed it for the good of all.

As unusual as it may seem, I am going to jump to a totally different topic.  I know, it can be confusing, but c’est la vie, which is French for “get over it.”  I want to complain again about one of my “favorite” topics – commercials!  I was watching TV last evening and the commercials made me wonder why so many companies feel they need to use someone with an accent to sell me their product.  Does a spokesperson with an accent somehow make the product better?  Does the company feel that there is no one in the US who can read 30 seconds worth of information in a pleasing manner?

The only thing I dislike more is when the accent is coming from an animal, ie gecko, or a bumble bee.  There is a company that uses a bee to sell their nasal spray.  As if that was not weird enough, they decided that the bee should have a foreign accent.  Realistically, I do not usually take medical advice from a talking bee.  I don’t always take it from my doctor, so I certainly would not use a bee as my go-to person in times of illness.

These types of thing always make me wonder – is the product lousy, so they try to use some cutesy thing to make me buy it?  Do they really review the commercial and say, “Yes!  That foreign accented bee is just what we need to sell our nasal spray.”  It is especially interesting because the spray has to be prescribed.

“Doctor.  I have been having a problem that I think can be solved by using (company name) nasal spray.”

“I see.  What makes you think that this would be a good product for your symptoms?”

“I saw a commercial with a bumble bee that had an accent and he said I should use it.”

“Oh, okay.  As long as you have a valid reason I will write the prescription for you.”

So there you have it, my most recent venting on commercials. (Please read the following sentences with your favorite foreign accent) I appreciate your patience.  I understand that not everyone will agree with me, but as I said earlier, c’est la vie.  

Now go put on something green and have a drink to celebrate the day.  If you can get enough friends together, start a parade!  Have a good week.

It is Sunday, March 10.  There are only three weeks until Easter and 290 days until Christmas.  For some of you, that will give you time to plan your church attendance for this year.  Today we celebrate the birthday of Georg F. Creuzer, James Herriot and Eva Herzigova.  On this day in 1681, English Quaker William Penn received a charter from Charles II, making him sole proprietor of colonial American territory, Pennsylvania.  In 1876, the first telephone call was made (Alexander Graham Bell to Thomas Watson) and in 1975 dog spectacles were patented in England.  It is Independence Day in Dominica, St. Lucia and Teachers’ Day in Laos.  The 5-day Cotton Festival starts Tuesday in Memphis, Tennessee.

Due to circumstances beyond her control, the lovely Elaine is currently receiving the magazine “Martha Stewart Living” in place of another magazine she had been getting.  One of the interesting things in the magazine is a calendar at the beginning titled “Martha’s Month.”  Is it really so essential to know how she plans to spend her month that a page is dedicated to this?  Having reviewed the calendar, I think not.

Let me give you some insights into her world.  On the first she had a reminder to remove the evergreen boughs from the garden beds.  March 7 was the day to cut the quince and apple branches for forcing.  She will be ordering gladiolus and dahlias on the 12^th.  The schedule calls for her to distribute compost on the 16^th; however, if you have been reading the newspaper articles regarding the battle between Macy’s and JC Penney, I think she started the distribution a little earlier than scheduled.  Other important items are touching up the paint on the house trim, planning pool openings and applying triple super phosphate to the flower beds.

I am speechless.  I thought the quince and apple branches got cut much later in the month.  But seriously, I could not believe this drivel.  She talks about things like making birthday cakes for Truman and Jude.  Besides not knowing who Truman and Jude are, why do all the people reading her magazine care that she is making cakes for them?  Do we really care that she is going to gold-leaf eggs and decorate for Easter?  I wonder how many readers ran out to buy gold-leaf for their eggs?  We did not.

I thought that maybe I could do a calendar here each month.  It would be somewhat repetitious, but it would give you some insight into my days.  For example, each day would start the same – get up, scratch myself, use the bathroom, eat breakfast and review the list of chores left by the lovely Elaine.  The rest of the calendar would be mundane, routine chores like cleaning the bathroom, dusting and vacuuming.  Just so you know, every Monday is laundry day.  I do try and vary things so that I don’t get into a rut.  Some mornings I use the bathroom, first, and then scratch myself.  Some days would include running errands like returning items that we bought and then did not want for a variety of reasons.  Or going back to the store for items we forgot during our weekly shopping jaunt.  Or runs to the bank or the gas station or a doctor’s office or any number of other places.

As you may have already guessed, my calendar would generally not be as exciting as hers, but then I don’t have to take down the storm windows and put up the screens like she does.  And, I couldn’t tell you the last time I tested soil nutrients or fertilized with mineral powders if needed.  I use medicated powder after a shower, but not based on soil testing.

So let us go forth into the coming week, secure in the knowledge that Martha will have the peas planted by Friday.  Enjoy the week and remember that even though we are not in Laos, you can still take a moment to recognize teachers.  In fact, if you were able to read this, thank a teacher! Or, as they say in Laos, khawp jai.