Welcome!  Today is Sunday, June 1 and there are only 163 days until my birthday.  You don’t have to buy me anything, I’m just saying …  It is the birthday of Brigham Young, Nelson Riddle and Chiyonofuji.  On this day in 1495 the first written record of scotch whiskey appeared in the Exchequer Rolls of Scotland, in 1869 the voting machine was patented by Thomas Edison and in 1980 Cable News Network began broadcasting.  In Samoa it is Independence Day, in Kenya it is Madaraka Day and in Massachusetts it is Teachers’ Day.

I went to the eye doctor the other day for my annual check-up.  While there, several things came to mind.  One, which I will discuss in a bit, is something I have noticed with doctors in general.  Other things were specific to the eye doctor.  The first thing they do when you get there, after they get their precious co-pay is make you sit in the waiting room for some time.  The worst part of that is they usually have a TV on showing some show that I am not really interested in, but end up sort of watching because there isn’t much else to do.  I do not bring my Nook with me because I know once they start putting drops in my eyes I will not be able to read.  But I digress …

After you have been there awhile, they call you in and a nurse puts the first set of drops in your eyes and then has you do some standard eye chart stuff.  “Can you read the bottom line?” “Is it clearer this way or (changing settings) this way?”  They do that with different settings for each eye, make notations and then put a different eye card in front of you and ask you to read the lowest line you can.  All very standard stuff.  Next, because I am diabetic, they do a retinopathy test using two special machines.  One shows pictures and one has flashing red lights.  Then they send you back to the waiting room. 

 

The show you were watching before has moved on and you have no idea what the topic is anymore.  All you know is that even though you didn’t really want to watch, you got involved in the discussion, then left and never found out the result.  The thing with that is that, even if I had a DVR, it is not a show I would record, so I would have no way of learning the simple solution for when the leaves on your peonies start to turn black on the edges.  I’m sorry, I am digressing again.

So, after sitting back in the waiting room, trying not to get involved in the show because I know I will be called back by a nurse, I am taken back to an examining room.  The nurse hands me some tissues and puts two more sets of drops in my eyes and I spend several minutes wiping my cheeks because I blinked and the drops are running down my face.  Finally she gets all the drops in and I am left to wait for the doctor to come in.  Unfortunately, there is no TV to watch and no magazines to read (not that I could anyway) so I just sit and stare at the wall hoping it won’t be for too long.

Now the doctor comes in and taps away on the computer for a minute.  Then he tells me that the test shows that my retinas are in good shape, “As you can see here,” he says gesturing to an image on his computer.  I nod my head and say okay, as if I can actually see what he is talking about.  Because of the drops and my general ignorance of the anatomy of my eyes, I really don’t know what he is showing me.  For all I know, it is a picture of a gummy worm.

The next part is interesting.  When we were kids, we were always told never to look directly at bright lights.  Our parents told us that it was bad for our eyes.  Apparently that is either not true or no one ever told the eye doctor.  He proceeds to put a machine in front of me and aims this thing into my eye.  He flips a switch and this incredibly bright light shines into my eye.  If I could have looked I would have sworn there was light shining out of my ears, like in cartoons.  After a few seconds, he does it to the other eye.  When he is done, he moves the machine away and says, “Okay, everything looks good.  We’ll see you in a year.”  With that he walks out leaving me to wait 20 or so seconds until the sight comes back to my eyes.

I walk out of the examining room, get my prescription at the desk and brace myself for the shock I know is coming.  I put on my sun glasses and walk out into the glaring daylight.  The drops they put in your eyes make it almost impossible to see in the daylight.  It usually takes several hours for your eyes to readjust.  In the meantime, bright lights hurt and everything is fuzzy around the edges.  So that was my trip to the eye doctor.

Earlier I mentioned that I have noticed something with all doctors, lately.  They spend very little actual time with their patients.  Nurses do most of the prep work – weight, blood pressure, etc.  The doctor comes in, looks at your chart, does a couple perfunctory checks and then says goodbye and goes to the next patient.  If something else has to be done the doctor tells the nurse what he wants and then goes on to the next patient.  He does not soil his hands by touching a common patient.

I am old enough to remember when doctors used to come to your house.  Now you have to go to their office and you are lucky if they spend 10 minutes with you.  You would think that if they are moving through patients that quickly, there would be less waiting time, but you would be wrong.  I think they schedule five or six people for a time slot, expect a couple cancellations and then just take them as they come.  Fortunately, there is a chart with your name on it on the door so they have some idea of who you are and why you are there.

 

This week our fact tells us that American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from the salad served in first class.  Wait!  They get food in first class?

It is Sunday, May 25 and there are only 214 days until Christmas.  Now is the time to start planning you meal for the day and start buying what you will need, before they raise the prices for the holiday.  Today we remember the birthdays of Jacopo Pontormo II, Igor Sikorsky and Anne Heche.  On this day in 585 BC the first known prediction of a solar eclipse was made, in 1878 Gilbert and Sullivan’s opera “HMS Pinafore” premiered in London and in 1986 Hands Across America had 7 million people hold hands from California to New York.  In Chad, Liberia, Mali, Mauritania and Zambia it is African Freedom/Unity Day, in Yugoslavia it is the Day of Youth and tomorrow is Memorial Day here in the US.

I know that I have talked about Memorial Day in the past.  While I do not want to go into a long explanation again this year, I do want to take a moment to recognize the day.  This is a day to remember the men and women who died in the Armed Forces in the service of their country.  Far too often we look at it as a day off from work and the unofficial beginning of summer.  While I do not want to spoil the fun and excitement of the day, I would ask that you take a moment to remember what the day represents.  As I have said in the past, if your town is having a Memorial Day ceremony, take some time from your day to attend and remember those who gave themselves for our freedom.  Thank you.

How many of you read about Hands Across America and wondered what it was?  Well, I’m glad you asked. This was a benefit event and publicity campaign to raise money to fight hunger and homelessness and to help those in poverty.  On May 25, 1986 some 7 million people joined hands to form a line that stretched 4,152 miles from RMS Queen Mary pier in Long Beach, CA to Battery Park in New York City.

Celebrities took part all across the country.  In New York Brooke Shields, John Cardinal O’Connor, Yoko Ono and Harry Belafonte participated.  Dionne Warwick and Tony Danza were in Trenton.  Others included Jerry Lewis in Philadelphia, Michael J Fox in Columbus, OH, 50 Abraham Lincoln impersonators in Springfield, IL, Bill Clinton in Little Rock, AR and Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Kenny Loggins and John Stamos in Long Beach, CA.

Since that first big event it has slowly faded away.  Hands pulled in only $34 million total, and once the event spent around $17 million to pay its bills, it only netted a little over $16 million.  Robert Hayes of the National Coalition for the Homeless told the New York Times that the event’s organizers “spent too much to raise too little and promoted a national extravaganza empty of content.”  I hope that satisfies your need for useless information.

Last week the lovely Elaine and I had the opportunity to attend a wine festival, “Pour Into Summer” down the shore on Long Beach Island.  We had a great time!  We were with our friend Pat, the weather was great, we were by the water, they had a really good band and we were drinking wine.  What more could you possibly want?  It was also a great place to people watch.  I was surprised at how many people felt it was necessary to bring their dogs to this event.  Several times we almost tripped over dogs that were lying there while their owners sampled wines.  I do not hate dogs; I just think that sometimes they should stay home.  The same with kids.  Again, I do not dislike kids; I just feel that you should not bring them to this type of event.  They could not sample the wines and there was nothing else there for them to do.  It would have been less expensive to buy a bottle or two of wine, invite some friends over and stay home.  That way the kids would have toys to play with.

I did see several people that I thought were interesting.  Of course there were the wine snobs.  Picture this – the festival is being held in an open field, the wineries have tents, people are wandering from tent to tent sampling wines and suddenly from one of the tents, a guy comes out to hold his glass of wine up to the light to, I don’t know; make us think he knows what he is doing?  The only purpose that I could think of was that he was checking to see if a bug had flown into his glass.  The amount of wine they gave in a sample did not warrant much else.

We also ran into a pair of women who, once they got to a place where samples were being poured, stayed until they had tasted everything the winery had to offer.  Blocking the area so that others could not get a sample was bad enough, but they had to discuss each taste before going to the next one.  From what I could hear they had no real idea of what they were talking about and less so as the afternoon progressed and they continued to sample.

We saw one woman who appeared to be at least five months pregnant, but was not.  She looked like she had taken two tube tops and used one as a skirt and one as a top.  Neither one fit her (they might have 60 pounds ago) and the thing that made it less attractive were the very obvious stretch marks on her belly.  This is someone who should be required to see herself the way she actually looks and not the way her fantasy says she looks.  As she sampled the wines, she had her son taking notes for her on the winery list.  We saw her several times throughout the afternoon and she was quite happy.  Her son must have had a ton of notes.

It cost $15 to get in and my concern was that I get my money’s worth and still be able to drive afterward.  Overall, I think I did.  We paused and sat and enjoyed the weather a couple times and then went around the tents again.  We drank some good wines, some not-so-good wines and some so sweet they set your teeth on edge.  We are already making plans for next year that include chairs, snacks and staking out a central location to put our stuff.  There is nothing better than being out in good weather, drinking wine with a field full of people doing the same thing.  

Our fact this week tells us that a woodchuck breathes only 10 times during hibernation.  You can be sure that at least half the time he has a wife who nudges him, complaining that he is snoring.

Today is Sunday, May 18 and there are only 166 days until Halloween.  You should start looking for Halloween bargains on candy and costumes soon. Today we remember the birthdays of Joseph Butler, Frank Capra and Rick Wakeman.  On this day in 526 St John I ended his reign as Catholic Pope, in1860 the Republican Party nominated Abraham Lincoln for president and in 1964David Frost interviewed Paul McCartney on BBC. It is Flag Day in Haiti, in Uruguay it is the observance of the Battle of Las Piedras and tomorrow will be Victoria Day in Canada.

There is not one specific thing that I want to talk about today so I am just going to make some random observations.  One thing I wanted to note is that, in a way, we are lucky we do not have the flying cars we were promised at the New York World’s Fair and on the Jetsons.  Based on the way people drive, we would be in danger of being hit by falling car parts after all the mid-air collisions there would be.  Newscaster: “Bob Everyman was struck by a fender that fell off a flying car today, while walking to buy lottery tickets.  According to witnesses,the two cars collided while trying to merge from the river corridor into the local city air lanes.  Mr. Everyman suffered a broken shoulder.  He decided it was not a good day to buy lottery tickets.”

I hate to be repetitive, but it drives me crazy to listen to people speak.  Is it that hard to say words correctly?  One that gets me is the word “for.”  It is pronounced like the number – four- not like the tree – fir.  Another word that people have a problem with is “escape.” For some reason they want to add a k, making the word ekscape (or are they adding an x for exscape?).  Either way it is wrong!  People reading commercials for TV should take a few moments to look over their script to be sure they know what they are selling or talking about. I heard a commercial recently that referred to the disease spinal bifida.  Somewhere along the line someone should have caught that.

Again,repetition, but you must have figured out by now that I dislike stupid commercials.  I also have a problem with things that should have been caught and were not, like the error with the disease I mentioned before.  I saw one commercial, and I must say that I do not remember what they were selling, but toward the end, a woman gently caresses the cheek of her husband.  What got me was that she had a piece of fuzz stuck to her thumb.  No one saw that when they were reviewing the commercial?  I noticed it and I wasn’t really paying attention.

I realized the other day that I am becoming my father (shudder).  I was telling my grandsons about when I was young and worked at McDonald’s.  I started talking about prices and how burgers were only $.19 (I do miss the cents symbol), fries were $.15, etc.  It suddenly occurred to me that I was starting to sound like my father.  He was always complaining about how expensive things were and how much they used to cost. We used to make fun of him and often welcomed him to the 20^thcentury.  Fortunately, my grandsons are not that rude, yet.  It worries me that soon I will become more forgetful, my hearing will get worse and I will stop trimming my nose and ear hair.

Here is another thing I noticed recently that is age related.  Young guys in their 20’s and 30’s go out without shaving and they have that unkempt look that everyone thinks is so cool.  Once you get into your 60’s that doesn’t work anymore.  Recently I was getting ready to go out and run errands.  I took a shower,but decided not to shave.  I have been shaving almost every day since I was in 7^th grade and I decided not to for a change.  I used deodorant and a little cologne, put on an ironed shirt and jeans and went to get my chores done.  In several stores I noticed people looking at me and seeing I had not shaved. They started to avoid me like I lived in a box under the highway and had been using my pants for a toilet. 

I saw a guy the other day who had to be in his fifties. He was sporting a mullet hairdo, made more attractive by the fact that his hairline had pulled back from the front of his head leaving just one of those little hair islands in the front.  He was wearing cut-off sweatpants shorts and a t-shirt that had not seen the inside of a washing machine for some time.  He,too, was going with the unshaven look, but he was also going with the uncombed hair look and the lack of dental hygiene look. I can only hope that people from the place he escaped from found him and took him back with them.

I was at the doctor’s office the other day and saw something that disturbed me.  There was an older gentleman coming out ofthe building.  He was using a cane, was not able to stand up straight and, even with the cane, was having difficulty walking.  It took him several minutes to negotiate the ramp to the parking lot and a few more minutes to get to his car.  I thought he was going to get inthe passenger side, but no.  He was driving!!  Now I know why we see so many silver alerts.

For those of you who do not know what a silver alert is, it is a notice sent out when a senior citizen is missing.  The highway department puts up notices on the electronic signs on the highways giving the car make the missing person was driving and the license plate number.  It is hoped that someone will spot the car and call it in … but I digress

 Guys like this get into a car, start to driveoff and realize they can only make left turns because of their physical disabilities.  They will ultimately get home, but will have to get there by way of Ohio.

This week our fact tells us that about 21,000 commercial airline flights are scheduled daily in the US with only about 5,000 planes available to fly them.  That might explain why the airlines are never on time.  Since they are charging for everything (I’m surprised the rest rooms are not pay toilets) they should be able to get a couple more planes, don’t you think?

It is Sunday May 11 and there are only 113 days until Labor Day, so the fall clothing should be in the stores next week.  Birthday greetings go out today to Irving Berlin, Martha Graham and John Parrott.  On this day in 1502 Columbus began his fourth and last trip to the “Indies,” in 1858 Minnesota was admitted as the 32^nd US state and in 1963 “Puff the Magic Dragon” by Peter, Paul and Mary hit #2.  It is Constitution Day in Laos, here in the US we are celebrating Mother’s Day and the Feis Ceoil music festival begins in Ireland tomorrow. 

 

In the past I have given an explanation for the development of Mother’s Day, so I will not bore you by repeating it today.  Please take the time to wish your mother a Happy Mother’s Day.  Just a hint – if you have not gotten a gift for her yet, DO NOT buy her cookware or kitchen appliances, unless she has specifically requested them.  You should be recognizing her for being your mother and having put up with you all these years, not reminding her that she is, among other things, your personal cook.

I will; however, give you a brief explanation of Feis Ceoil, since I am sure you are burning with curiosity after seeing that the festival was today.  Feis Ceoil is an association, in Ireland, started in 1896 to promote excellence in the learning and performance of music across all ages, levels and disciplines.  They run an annual festival that attracts over 4000 participants from all over Ireland.  It has expanded to more than 180 competitions, covering all ages from seven years upwards.  I hope that slakes your thirst for Feis Ceoil knowledge.

What is the deal with motorcycle riders?  There is a couple that lives up the street from us and they both ride motorcycles.  The problem is that when they decide to go out riding they go through a ritual.  They start their bikes and then don their special jackets, gloves and helmets.  It would seem to me that those things should go on first.  That’s like getting in the pool and then changing into your bathing suit.  The thing that really gets me, and this is universal with motorcyclists, is that they get on their bike and sit there and rev the engine for five or ten minutes before actually driving off.

They do not do this when they go out in their car.  They get in, start the engine and drive off.  The lovely Elaine says that it is a sexual thing, the thrill of feeling the throb of the engine between your legs.  I don’t know about that.  The only thing I think it would do is make me want to go to the bathroom.  That would mean stopping the engine, taking off all the special gear, going in to the bathroom, coming back out, starting the bike, re-donning the gear and then climbing on and letting the engine run some more before going.  This, of course, creates the danger of having to go again.

Now the bikers are out on the road.  They drive as if they do not have to obey traffic laws.  They ride between lanes, swerve in and out of traffic, go way beyond the speed limit and act as if they are not aware of the fact that, if there is an accident, there is nothing between them and the pavement but the clothing they are wearing.  I don’t care if you have on the best leather clothing.  If you are traveling at 70 mph and run into a car, you are going to fly through the air, come down on the pavement and slide for a good distance.  By the time you are stopped, that leather and a good portion of your skin are going to be behind you, on the road.  There are no side air bags to protect you if a car hits you. There is no side anything between you and the car.  And yet, people are out buying motorcycles all the time.  There is a major motorcycle dealership in our town that is bigger than the bowling alley it is near.  So the question becomes are there that many people who are crazy about riding motorcycles, or are they just looking for the sexual thrill of feeling the engine running. 

This sexual idea could give rise to a whole new industry.  You could sell just the seat and handlebars for people who are looking for the thrill.  They could plug the device in and have that enjoyment in the privacy of their own home.  If they need the sound of the engine rumbling, that could be sold as an enhancement.  There could also be a more elaborate model that could replace mechanical bulls in bars.  That could give a whole new meaning to motorcycle bars.

One of the reasons I do not want to ride a motorcycle is that it does not look comfortable to ride.  You spend your time straddling the bike, bent over to reach the handlebars and constantly being pummeled by the wind.  I was thinking about what type of bike I would need to create to enable me to be comfortable and after it was all done, I realized that I had created an SUV with handlebars.  I think I will stick with my car.  Besides, in my car I can hear the radio and the lovely Elaine, on the occasions when we have something to talk about.

If I might digress for a minute, I wanted to tell you about an incident I saw in the mall recently.  A mother was walking along with her young daughter in a stroller.  They were a distance away, but I would guesstimate that the girl was around three.  As they walked, the mother looked down at her daughter and said, “What do you have?”  The little girl was playing with a shoe.  Apparently they were in a shoe store and as they were leaving, the girl snagged the shoe from a display.  The mother took the shoe, turned around and complained that now she had to find which store the girl had taken the shoe from.  I thought it was amusing.  The mother did not.

This week our fact tells us that about 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the US.  When we get together with our friend Pat, we do our best to consume all of them.

Today is May 4 and there are only 235 days until Christmas.  That means that most of the Swiss Colony products are already in production and getting ready for shipment.  Nothing says Christmas like a fancy box of preservatives and meat-like products.  It is the birthday of Carlo Rainaldi, Julia Gardiner Tyler and Dennis Weaver.  On this day in 1626 the Indians sold Manhattan Island for $24 in cloth and buttons, in 1893 cowboy Bob Pickett invented bulldogging and in 1979 Margaret Thatcher became the first woman Prime Minister of Great Britain.  In Tonga it is the Crown Prince’s birthday, it is McDonogh Day in New Orleans and tomorrow will be the Lovely Elaine’s and my 41^st anniversary (I don’t know how she has lasted this long either).

I wanted to take some time to explain what McDonogh Day was.  I think it is interesting and something that people should know about.  When millionaire merchant John McDonogh died in 1850, he left his fortune to be divided equally between his native city of Baltimore and his adopted city of New Orleans, specifically for the purpose of creating public schools for the “education of the poor of all castes and races.”  The money was used to build more than 30 schools in New Orleans.  This was a man who was dedicated to education and I just thought you might find it interesting.

Once again I find myself wondering what goes through the minds of people when they are creating a commercial for television.  For example, there is a phone company that has a series of commercials that feature a little girl who always has butterflies around her and speaks French, a young nerdish boy and an older brother who seems sort of normal.  The mother appears to be just a mother with no apparent affectations.  Where it gets truly bizarre is the father.  He is a hamster who resides in a plastic ball.  I have seen several different commercials in this series and the same questions keep running through my head.  Who could have possibly thought these were a great idea and what medications are they on?

I understand that you are trying to sell a product, in this case a group phone plan.  You have had other commercials and while they were not necessarily award winners, they at least made sense.  This new series causes me to shake my head and say things like, “Are they bleeping kidding?”  I cannot help but wonder how the process worked for this series. 

The company went to their ad agency and said they wanted a new series of commercials that would sell their new plan.  They probably said something like, “Don’t be afraid to think outside the box.”  That is something people say all the time, but don’t really mean.  It is okay to think outside the box until you do.  So the agency goes to their creative team, tells them to develop a series of commercials and “the client says to think outside the box.”  The team gets together and comes up with something that does not even recognize that there was a box.  They create the bizarre family mentioned earlier, develop several commercials and then sit back and pat themselves on the back for their creativity. 

What puzzles me is how this whole thing got further than the initial presentation.  Somewhere along the line, either at the agency or with the client, someone should have said, “The father as a hamster in a plastic ball has got to go.  It makes no sense, is not funny and needs to be changed.”  No one did!  These are the people I want to meet.  If they thought this series was good, they will love the bridge I have for sale in Brooklyn.

Another commercial I find annoying is the car commercial with the guys wandering through the desert.  A car pulls up and a celebrity offers them water, but one of the wanderers determines that it is only a mirage and lets the car drive off.  Later they stumble onto a party and again the mental giant determines it is a mirage.  Now maybe I am nitpicking, but in reality a mirage disappears as you approach it.  It never actually speaks to you and you never actually get to it.  I am sure that there could have been a better way to approach this than using a mirage.  I am sure that the celebrity would accept their money even if the commercial was a dream or something else.  I am pretty sure he did not say, “I am only doing this if I can be part of a mirage.”  Like I said it could just be me, but I cannot believe that someone created this, someone else thought it was good and they paid, I am sure, a large chunk of money for it.

There are other commercials that I think would have benefited from some thought before they put it on the air.  There is a car company that is touting one of their cars, the sport model F series.  They go on and on about the performance of the car and how well it handles, etc.  The problem does not crop up until the end of the commercial.  That is where they tell you that “the performance mark is F.”  I am sure they are referring to the series of car, but to most of the world if you get an F as a mark, it means you have failed.  I do not want a car that has a performance mark of F.  I want one that I am sure will go when I press down the gas pedal, stop when I apply the brakes and do the things a car is supposed to do.  I would be satisfied with a performance mark of C, but don’t give me one of those F cars.

Our fact this week tells us that a Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.  Does this hold true if she drinks tea?  What happens if he gives her coffee, but she doesn’t drink it?  Do Saudi Arabian men withhold coffee intentionally hoping for a divorce?  Think of how many divorces there would be in the US if that was in force here.

Thanks for stopping by and have a good week.