Today is Sunday, May 29 and there are only 134 days until Columbus Day, so start planning that parade and try not to get lost getting there.  Today we remember the birthdays of Patrick Henry, Bob Hope and Melissa Ethridge.  On this day in 1765 Patrick Henry made his historic speech against the Stamp Tax,answering a cry of “Treason” with, “If this be treason, make the most of it!”, in 1848 Wisconsin became the 30th state and in 1982 the papal visit to Britain was the first since 1531.  In England it is Oak Apple Day, in Rhode Island it is Ratification Day, in the US it is National Coq Au Vin Day and tomorrow is Memorial Day.

In the past, I have given information on Memorial Day.  I will be brief this year as there is not much to say that has not been said before.  Memorial Day, an American holiday observed on the last Monday of May, honors men and women who died while serving in the US military.  Please note that this is a day that honors people who died serving their country.  This is a day that recognizes that ultimate sacrifice.  I am not saying that you should spend the day being morose.  What I am saying is recognize what the day represents.  If your town has a ceremony, attend and honor those people who gave their lives.  Do not greet people with, “Happy Memorial Day.”  I do not feel that is appropriate.  Happy and Memorial just don’t go together.  Try, “It’s Memorial Day.  Pause and remember.”

Okay, I have climbed down off my soapbox and caught my breath, so let’s move on.  First I would like to share a story about my younger grandson.  His father picked him up from school one day this past week and on the way home they were discussing his day.  He mentioned that they had some excitement in gym when a bird got into the room.  They talked about the incident for a minute or so and then my son, knowing his son’s propensity for doing this asked if he had named the bird.  He said he had and he had named it Finnegan.  My son asked why Finnegan and my grandson replied, “I think the question you should be asking is why not Finnegan?”  My son said he had no response for that.  I couldn’t think of one either.

A few evenings ago, I went to pull my car into the garage and found that I had a flat tire.  You are probably wondering what the big deal is.  You change the tire and that is it.  Except that, if you have been a dedicated reader of my weekly writings, you know it is never that simple with me.  My initial response was to just go ahead and change the tire.  I started to get the jack out and found the section in the car manual that told me how to get the spare tire out.  It was at this point, as I was getting the tools out, that I discovered the first problem.

My car has a special locking lug nut on each tire that requires a socket key to remove it.  I could not find that key.  I searched the entire storage area and it was nowhere to be found.  It occurred to me that several months ago I had an oil change done and had the tires rotated.  They had to have had the key to do that.  Great!  Well, I’ll just call my roadside service, they could come and take care of the tire and I would go to the oil change place and see if they had the key.  So I called the roadside service and told them I had a flat tire that needed to be changed.  The woman said it was not a problem and they could have someone there shortly to take care of it.

I then explained the issue with the missing key for the lug nut.  “Ooh.  That is a different story.  The service person won’t have the key for that.  We will have to have the car towed to a dealership and they should be able to take care of it.”  The problem was that they would have to take the car to a dealership and hope that there was a place to leave the car since the service area was closed.  She then suggested that, if it was not a problem, we wait and have it towed in the morning.  I said fine and asked what time I could schedule it for.  She told me she couldn’t schedule it and that I would have to call back in the morning.  I allowed a lovely series of profanity to run through my mind, but said okay to her.

After I hung up, I called my son because I needed to ride to his house to pick up the lovely Elaine’s car that we were keeping there.  The next morning I called to schedule the tow and was told it would be about an hour.  Fine!  Since I had the time I drove over to the oil change place and they said, “Oh yeah, we have that.  We weren’t sure who it belonged to so we hung on to it, figuring someone would come for it sooner or later.”  More profanity.

Now I had to call and cancel the tow, then schedule to have someone to come change the tire.  The guy showed up, took off the tire, put on the donut and was gone in no time.  I took the tire to a place to have it looked at.  They were able to repair it.  They took off the donut and put the tire on.  I saw the guy pull the car out and then I sat there waiting for them to tell me the car was ready.  After about 15 minutes, I asked if there was a problem.  The guy asked which car was mine and I told him.  He said he didn’t know I was there and that he called my house and left a message.  I said that it said right on the paperwork that I was waiting and asked why it never occurred to him to see if I was sitting there.  He had no answer.  More profanity.

When I got home, I had to put the donut back in place.  As I was doing it, I checked and found that the key had not been put back where it belonged.  I drove back to the tire place and sure enough it was still there.  The mechanic said, “You took off so fast, I didn’t get a chance to put it back.”  I took off so fast, after sitting there all that time.  More profanity.  See, just a simple flat tire.

This week our fact tells us that the male penguin sits on the egg instead of the female.  I can just picture it, the male sitting there in his underwear, watching TV and yelling to his wife, “Honey, bring me another beer.  I’d get it but I can’t get off this egg.”

One final tip – don’t try to barbecue the Coq Au Vin.

Have a good week and take a moment tomorrow to remember.

Today is Sunday, May 22 and there are only 106 days until Labor Day and then the kids will go back to school.  Hang in there parents, you can do it!  Today we remember the birthdays of Richard Wagner, Peter Nero and Bernie Taupin.  On this day in 1570 the first atlas, with 70 maps, was published, in 1843 the first wagon train, with over 1000 people, departed Independence, MO for Oregon and in 1933 the Loch Ness Monster was first reportedly sighted by John Mackay.  In Angel’s Camp, CA it is Jumping Frog Jubilee Day, in Haiti it is National Sovereignty Day and in the US it is National Maritime Day and National Vanilla Pudding Day.

My despair deepens.  I recently went into a chain office supply store to purchase note paper.  I was not sure where it would be so, rather than wander aimlessly, I asked one of the people who worked there where I would find note paper.  She stared at me with a puzzled look on her face.  I said, “You know, note paper.  Paper that you write on and send to someone.  It usually has a design on it and comes with envelopes so you can mail it.”  Still nothing.

“We have post-its of different sizes for notes, but you can’t really mail those.  I’m not really sure what you mean or where we would have something like that.  Let’s look over here.”  We proceeded to wander a couple aisles, aimlessly, until I happened to spot what I wanted.  I pointed out what I was looking for and she was surprised.  She said she was not aware that they carried anything like that.  I am pretty sure she will not remember where we found it or that they carry it, but I am sure that the next time someone asks her for note paper her response will be, “I am not sure.  This is not my area.  Let me get someone to help you.”

Here is another issue – it seems that technology can be dumb, too.  My car has Bluetooth capability and can sync with my phone so I can use the phone hands free.  The other day I wanted to call home and leave a message for myself to take care of something.  I pressed the button and was told to say the name I was calling after the beep.  I heard the beep and said “home” clearly, I thought.  The system said, “Calling Pat.”  I immediately hit the hang up button.  I decided to try again so I pressed the button and carefully enunciated the word home when the time came.  The system said, “Calling Pat.”  I hung up again, but apparently the pause while I swore at the system before hanging up allowed the call to connect.  A moment or so later Pat called me back.  Fortunately, Pat knows about my occasional ineptitude with technology.  She laughed, either with or at me, we hung up and I was finally able to make my call.

Recently, I began receiving e-mails from one of those dating sites.  What makes this interesting is that I never signed up on the site and the e-mails are going to an address that I set up to be able to post this blog and generally never use.  Out of curiosity, I started looking at the women being proffered.  Let me point out that I am not looking for someone.  If I were I have yet to see a woman on here that would interest me.  The majority of these women have a few things in common.  They are almost all divorced.  They are generally of the same religious persuasion.  They all claim to be athletic and in good shape.  Here is where it gets interesting.  Almost all of them are looking for a man who is 5’10” to 6’4”, athletic and toned and has an annual income of $75,000 to $150,000.

I am not any of those.  What makes it even more interesting is that VERY few of these women are, how shall I say this, umm, attractive.  These are women in their 60’s who, based on their pictures should not be so picky.  I hate to be mean, but if you are looking for an athletic, toned rich guy, you need to have something more going for you than crepey skin, a desire to travel and a love of cats.  I receive these e-mails daily.  I could unsubscribe but I won’t.  It’s like a car wreck – you don’t want to look, but you cannot help it.  I check every day just to see if the trend changes.  I also wonder if I will see someone I know.  In the meantime, I will work on my abs and look into getting a part time job.

This week our fact tells us that the reason the taste of artificial banana flavoring and artificial banana flavored products don’t taste like bananas is because the flavor is based on a type of banana that was wiped out by a plague in the 1950’s.  So why not just change the flavor to taste like something that actually exists?  Why do we keep using a flavor that no one recognizes?  And you wonder why I despair?

I think I am going to go out on a boat and eat some vanilla pudding.  See you next week.

Today is Sunday, May 15 and there are only 224 days until Christmas so get started on those cards and Christmas letters. You don’t want to wait until the last minute.  Today we remember the birthdays of Claudio Giovanni Antonio Monteverdi, Francisco Pujol and Jean Balissat.  On this day in 1602 Cape Cod was discovered by English navigator Bartholomew Gosnold, in 1905 Las Vegas, Nevada was founded and in 1940 nylon stockings went on sale for the first time.  In Austria it is Independence Day, in the US it is I am an American Day and it is also National Chocolate Chip Day.

I don’t have much to discuss this week.  I have been working on getting paperwork taken care of and dealing with the myriad issues of settling Elaine’s affairs.  I am amazed at the amount of paper required to get this done.  Keep in mind that the lovely Elaine did not have a large number of stocks and bonds that need to be dealt with.  She did not have intricate financial accounts that require lawyers and accountants to get them settled.  We are talking about an 11 year old car, a small IRA that was originally her mother’s and a small insurance policy.  Because the car and the IRA were only in her name, the court has to get involved.  This will, of course, drag things on for quite some time.

Getting the insurance settled and updating our bank accounts is another story.  The insurance company sent me the forms to complete so that they can settle the claim.  I think it will cost them more than the policy is worth to get this done.  I spent close to 15 minutes on the phone talking to an agent just to get the whole thing going.  They sent me a packet of paperwork to be completed that was big enough to require extra postage.  They included a postage paid envelope to return it.  Once they receive it, someone on their end will have to slog through the information to process the claim.  And then they will have to issue the check.  Based on the size of the policy, I would have thought they could have done the whole thing by phone.

The banks are also interesting.  For reasons not worth going into here, we have funds in a couple institutions.  Both banks are located in the same state, so one would think they are governed by the same regulations.  Apparently, one would be wrong.  Because of my background working in banks and a credit union, I had a general idea of what to expect.  I also had the benefit of the lovely Elaine’s experiences dealing with her parents’ affairs.  It seems that neither bank is aware of what some of the regulations are, nor are they aware of what they required as recently as last year when dealing with deceased accounts.

There is nothing more disturbing than to go into a bank, explain why you are there and then have them present you with the wrong paperwork to fill out.  One would think that they would have a standard procedure set up so that it is always done the same way.  Again, one would be wrong.  I reviewed the packet given to me in the one bank and was assured by the less than impressive person that everything was there.  “Alls you have ta do is sign where I marked and it’s done.”

I asked her if this was the first time she had handled this type of thing.  She assured me that it was not.  I suggested that she review the forms before we proceeded.  She gave me one of those big sighs to show how ridiculous I was being, but she quickly scanned them and then pushed them back to me telling me they were fine.  I asked if I could speak to a manager.  That got me a glare, but at that point she was happy to be rid of me.  The manager and she spoke and then I was invited to his desk.  I sat there while he made a show of reading the forms and then he said, “Everything appears to be in order.  All you have to do is sign where it is marked and it will be taken care of.”

Incredulously I said, “Are you serious?”  He assured me that he was.  At this point I showed him that they were using the wrong forms, based on the type of account I had.  I also pointed out that the spots marked were where the manager was supposed to sign, not the customer.  He became very apologetic and got the correct forms.  We finally got everything done, but it remains to be seen if it was all done properly.  His excuse for the confusion was that they don’t get a lot of “this type of thing.”  I will probably be looking to switch banks once this is all settled.

This week our fact tells us that according to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.  Finally that is settled.  Now if we can just get the tree falling in the woods thing worked out, we will be in great shape.

Since this is the official day – I am an American! And proud of it.

Today is Sunday, May 8 and there are only 22 days until the unofficial beginning of summer, aka Memorial Day.  Start planning those barbecues. You may also want to make sure you have sunglasses handy when all that pasty white flesh gets out in the sunshine.  Today we remember the birthdays of Mary Lou Williams, Toni Tennille and Felicity Lott.  On this day in 1639 William Coddington founded Newport, RI, in 1794 the US Post Office was established and in 1952 Mad Magazine debuted.  It is Furry Day in Helston, England, Stork Day in Ribe, Denmark and Mother’s Day in the US.  It is also National Coconut Cream Pie Day.

As always, I try to provide information for special holidays.  Today is Mother’s Day, a celebration honoring the mother of the family.  The first Mother’s Day was celebrated in 1908 when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in West Virginia.  In developing the holiday, Jarvis noted that”Mother’s” should be “a singular possessive, for each family to honor its own mother, not a plural possessive commemorating all mothers in the world.”

Although she was successful in founding Mother’s Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday.  Jarvis believed companies had misinterpreted and exploited the idea of Mother’s Day.  She protested at a candy makers’ convention in Philadelphia in 1923 and at a meeting of American War Mothers in 1925.  By this time, carnations had become associated with Mother’s Day, and the selling of carnations by the American War Mothers to raise money angered Jarvis, who was arrested for disturbing the peace.

Moving on I wanted to share an amusing little conversation I had with my younger grandson.  He was out on the front lawn kicking all the dandelions.  He said he liked to do it to scatter the seeds.  I told him his father would just love that.  He said his father would be proud.  I said that was not the word I was thinking of.  He said yeah but the word still starts with P.

Moving on again, let me just say that I am still in despair.  I know I have railed about this before but I cannot help it.  Because the weather has been so lousy lately, I have been relegated to watching more TV than usual, which means I see more commercials.  I cannot believe what I see.  There is one commercial which takes place at a car show.  At one point, a model gets in a car and drives away.  I am not sure how stealing a car would make someone want to buy that car.  I would be concerned that someone would steal my car if I bought it.

Then there is the commercial that has people making beverage choices by being hit in the head with fruit.  Or the snack commercial that has a cartoon animal interacting with people.  One commercial I find interesting is the restaurant that touts the fact that their beef is now hand carved.  What were they using before?  How does hand carving change the quality of the beef? If it is lousy, it is lousy, regardless of how you carve it.  The ones that get me the most are the cologne commercials.  They make no sense.  One example is the one where a sexy woman walks in dressed in a fancy gown and starts to climb a piece of fabric that happens to drop from the ceiling.  She reaches the top and walks on the roof.  What does any of that have to do with cologne?  Maybe it means you can still smell good after physical exertion.

I had an experience recently in the parking lot of the grocery store that I thought I would share with you.  This store has some of the laziest customers I have ever seen.  They do not take their carts anywhere when they are done.  Generally, they just leave them in the space.  The other day I was walking back to my car, having made one of my almost daily trips to the store.  As I was approaching my car, I saw the woman parked next to me take her cart and put it behind my car.  I got to my car just as she was getting in hers.  I took the cart and put it behind her car.  She saw me do it and said, “You just put that cart behind my car.”  I said, “Yes I did, but you had just put it behind my car.  I was just returning the favor.”  Based on the look I got I am glad she was not armed.

Just one more little item and then I will let you go.  The other day I was going out to check the mail and a neighbor from a few houses away was driving by.  He stopped, opened his window and asked me how Kenny was doing.  I told him I did not know a Kenny.  He asked who lived in the house and I said I did.  Before continuing, let me point out that I grew my mustache in 1972
and my beard five or six years ago.  We moved here last August.  I mention this because when I told him I lived in the house he said he did not recognize me with the beard and mustache.  We chatted for a couple minutes and he expressed his condolences.  As he got ready to leave I said, “By the way my name is Bill, not Kenny.”  He looked surprised and said, “Where did I get Kenny from?”  I told him I had no idea.  He just shook his head and drove off.

This week our fact tells us that the Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.  I wonder how many of them are brought back when they read the part that says, “Thou shalt not steal.”

Be sure to visit or call your Mom, wish her a Happy Mother’s Day and thank her for being your Mom.

That’s it for this week.  Now go buy a coconut cream pie and share it with some friends.