Today is Sunday June 29.  There are only 157 days until Thanksgiving so start stocking up on the supplies you will need for dinner that day because they will be nowhere to be found as we get closer to the holiday.  Let’s take a moment to remember the birthdays of George Washington Goethals, Nelson Eddy and Slim Pickens.  On this day in 1776 the Virginia state constitution was adopted and Patrick Henry was made governor, in 1863 the very first First National Bank opened in Davenport, Iowa and in 1956 the Federal Interstate Highway System act was signed.  If you have a goofy holiday that you wanted to start celebrating, today would be the day to pick for it.  June 29 is available since there are no other holidays being celebrated.

Two significant events occurred this past week.  The first was the last day of school, ever, for the lovely Elaine.  She started school as a Kindergarten student 58 years ago and between attending school and then teaching, she has been in school every year since.  She has decided to retire and move on to a more relaxing pace, drinking a second cup of coffee and reading the whole newspaper.  Now we have the freedom to come and go as we please, travel to our favorite locales during the week to avoid paying weekend rates and just enjoying ourselves.  Not that we will, mind you, but we can if we want to.  Part of the problem with this plan is that she is not yet convinced that we will be able to survive on her pension and the various amounts I have coming in.  While she will not admit it, she is envisioning our sleeping in a cardboard box under a highway overpass unless we are very strict with our funds.

I suppose that we could end up in bad shape if we start living a lavish lifestyle, but we have never lived that type of life before so I don’t know why she thinks we will start now, just because she is retired.  The lovely Elaine tends to be a “worst case scenario” type of person.  If a situation presents itself, she will assume that the worst will happen.  If the weather report calls for rain and strong winds, she will have us ending up on the yellow brick road, searching for Oz.  If nothing else, it makes for some interesting conversations.  All that aside, I am looking forward to our time together.  It will be nice to not have her obsessing about school come the middle of August.

The second significant event we had was the celebration of my grandson Nick’s 13^th birthday.  I remember the day he was born (which, considering my memory lately, is quite a feat).  One of the events that made that day memorable was the fire alarm going off in the hospital while my daughter-in-law was in the delivery room.  We – the two grandmothers and I – were waiting in a place where they said we would be able to see the new mother and child when they came out of the delivery room.  When the alarm went off, the doors around us automatically closed and locked.  We looked out the window and saw fire trucks and police cars several floors down on the street.  We thought that this might not be good, but since we didn’t see flames or smell smoke, I at least, remained optimistic.

After waiting for some time, the doors unlocked and things went back to normal.  We continued to wait, but did not see them coming out of the delivery room.  The grandmothers cornered a nurse and asked what was going on.  Apparently, because of the fire alarm, they were taken out a different way.  We were told that they were on a different floor, in recovery, and we could go see them there.  We went, but were unable to locate the area where they were supposed to be.  At this point, the two grandmothers became feral.  They stalked the hallways looking for any sign or person that would tell them where mother and child were.  Finally a young man wearing scrubs came down the hall.  The two female wolverines cornered him and, almost snarling, asked where we could find Marianne and Nicholas.  Quivering in fear for his life, he directed us to the nursery.  We charged off for the nursery and he went to find the nearest restroom.

We found it and, one by one, we were allowed to go in and see our new, and our first, grandchild.  Being the wise person that I am and having recently seen them in action, I let the grandmothers go first.  They went in and then went to locate the new mother.  I then went in and had some quiet time with him myself.  Until you experience something like that, you have no idea the thrill and excitement that comes with being a grandparent.  From that day on you find that things are different.

You realize that you can be as goofy as you want because now you are a grandparent.  You don’t have to be strict with them and make sure they do all the right things.  That is what the parents are for.  The job of the grandparent is to have fun with your grandchild, pass him/her back to the parents when the child fills its diapers, take the child places and let it have fun, crank the kid up with candy, cake and ice cream and then send him/her home with the parents while you flop on the couch and say, “Whew!  That was tiring, but it was fun!”  At least that was always my thought.  The lovely Elaine felt that every once in a while we should enforce rules and set good examples.  I have never been completely sold on that, but I try.

Now Nick is 13 and on his birthday we sat and did the typical grandparent thing.  We remembered all the things he did growing up, we talked about them, causing him to leave the room while his younger brother said, “He really did that” incredulously and then we wondered “where the time went.”  I love both my grandsons dearly and enjoy spending time with them.  They are smart, funny, clever, talented and never fail to give me a smile that lasts for several days afterward.

So, we have moved into new phases.  Elaine has retired and can now, hopefully, relax a little and enjoy life.  Much scarier is the fact that we now have a teenager to deal with.  I think the worst was when I reminded my son and daughter-in-law that in just a few years, he will be driving.

Our fact this week tells us that alligators cannot move backwards.  So if one is chasing you, stop suddenly, let him run by and then just stay behind him.

Today is Sunday June 22.  There are only 186 days until Christmas so start addressing your cards and writing those holiday letters.  This week we remember the natal anniversaries of George Vancouver, Giacomo Puccini and Meryl Streep.  On this day in 816 Stephen IV began his reign as Catholic Pope, in 1870 Congress created the Department of Justice and in 1977 Walt Disney’s “The Rescuers” was released.  It is School Teacher’s Day in El Salvador, Organic Act Day in the Virgin Islands and tomorrow is Discovery Day in Newfoundland.

The lovely Elaine and I traveled to Iowa recently and I have to say that flying has become quite an adventure.  We had an early flight and had to be at the airport by around five AM.  Because my wife always anticipates the worst, we were able to get there by 4:20.  As a result, we were there before they were even letting passengers and employees into the terminal.  As we stood there waiting, a young lady came out and set up the stanchions to guide us through the maze and to the check-in.  She set them up and worked hard to get them precisely the way she wanted them. 

Shortly after she was finished, another person came out and rearranged all of them to her satisfaction.  As she was finishing, a young man came over and changed them to the way he felt they should be.  This process was repeated by two more people.  Finally, the original girl came over and set them back to the way she had placed them initially.  This setup lasted for about five minutes.  Then it was time to let passengers in and the stanchions had to be moved to allow us to go through.

Another interesting thing was that the lovely Elaine was prescreened, according to her boarding pass, and she was told to go through a different line.  What made it curious was that her line and the one I was in (I was not prescreened) came together at the end because, that early in the morning, there was only one TSA person on duty.  I had to remove everything from my pockets, take off my belt and shoes and place all that stuff with my carry-on bags on a conveyor. 

I then had to go into the scanner and be checked for who knows what.  I guess they want to make sure you are not carrying explosives in your various crevices.  When I got out, I was taken aside and frisked because I had left something in my pocket.  I carry a cloth for cleaning my glasses and forgot to take it out.  The machine caught that and I was checked.  I am glad they are that diligent.  The cloth is 6.5” X 3.5”.  You can create a lot of mayhem with something that size if you know what you are doing, and you are MacGyver.

Having cleared that major hurdle, we went to our gate to wait for our flight.  I find it interesting that the various concessions stands in the airport do not really care about anyone who is departing before 6:30 in the morning.  They do not open until 6 and by that time you are already on board for your early flight.  I was “jonesing” for coffee at that time and really needed to have my first hit.  My body is set so that I have to have my first cup within 20 minutes of waking up or I become just a bit crazy (I know, how can you tell the difference).  

Because we had to make a connecting flight, we were using small suitcases that we could place in the overhead compartments.  Also because of that connecting flight and our physical limitations – we are old, slow, Elaine’s hip can be a problem and my knee has its moments – we had requested wheelchair assistance when we landed in Detroit.  As a result, we were able to board our flights first, which gave us an opportunity to put our suitcases near us, making deplaning a bit simpler.  It is always interesting to see the looks you get when they let you board first, especially when there does not appear to be anything wrong with you.

The flight took off on time.  They came around with the beverage cart, claiming they were serving coffee.  I was glad because I really needed it, but all they served was brown liquid with a faint coffee aroma to it.  It was not until much later, after our two flights and getting our rental car, that we were finally able to find a place to get a decent cup of coffee.  One other thing I found interesting was, while in the terminal, I heard them announcing that there would be food available on the flights and we were also welcome to bring food with us.  I wondered what they would do if we brought a pizza or a pan of lasagna.

One of the things that always amazes me is the size and amount of stuff that people try to take on the plane as carry on luggage.  There are people with a small suitcase and a shoulder bag and a backpack and cannot understand why they are not allowed to take all that on board.  The standard is one suitcase that meets their size criteria and one bag that can go under the seat.  There are people who try to bring things on that do not come close to meeting the size rules and their other bag would not fit under the seat if it sat three feet off the floor.  When the person at the gate tells them they cannot bring the bags on the plane they act so surprised.  “I am sorry sir but you will have to check that upright piano.  You cannot take that as carry on.”

“Really?  I thought I could.  Did they change the rules?”

We were fortunate that we did not have the problems that they always show on TV and in commercials.  We did not have to deal with the oversized person who would barely fit in two seats or the guy who falls asleep on your shoulder and drools while he snores in your ear.  For the most part, our flights were smooth, we departed and arrived on time and aside from the fact that their coffee was lousy, we had good flights.  I would tell you what airline we were on, but they are not willing to pay for the exposure.

This week our fact tells us that American poet Edgar Allan Poe was thrown out of West Point Academy in 1831 after showing up for inspection stark naked.  That was always one of the problems I had with the military, they did not value individualism.

Another week has passed and today is Sunday, June 15. There are only 138 days until Halloween, so start thinking about costumes. By the way, I like Milky Ways,for those who were wondering. Today we remember the birthdays of Edward, the black prince, Prince of Wales, Mario Cuomo and Jim Belushi. On this day in 763 BC Assyrians recorded a total solar eclipse event on clay tablet, 1878 had the first attempt at motion pictures (used 12 cameras, each taking 1 picture)done to see if all 4 of a horse's hooves left the ground and in 1969 "Hee Haw" with Roy Clark and Buck Owens premiered on CBS-TV. In Korea it is Farmer's Day/day to transplant rice seeds, in Denmark it is Flag Day/Valdemar Day and in the US it is Father's Day.

I will not bore you with a big explanation of how Father's Day came to be since I did that last year. All I will say is that if you have a father, take some time to remember him and wish him a Happy Father's Day.

We recently met our kids down the shore for the day and I have several observations I would like to share. The first one is that I have figured a way to solve the state's budget problems. To be honest, I do not know why I try. I have come up with a number of ideas in the past and the powers that be have yet to take advantage of my suggestions. I guess some people just won't be helped. Anyway, my idea is state-run tattoo parlors. Just walking the boardwalk that day we saw thousands of dollars worth of tattoos on people. There were people with all sorts of artwork all over their bodies. If the state started running the parlors, huge amounts of revenue could be generated. Our governor could kick off the program by having the state flag done on his chest and "Stronger Than the Storm" underneath it.

My son once asked me why I never got a tattoo when I was in the service and I explained that I never got drunk enough to get one. Young people do not think far enough ahead when they get tattoos done. Sure they look great now, when you are young and your skin is tight. But 10 or 15 years from now, when you start to lose that firmness, you are going to have some very interesting artwork. Sure the tattoo of your mom on your side looks great now, but in 15 years, when your skin starts to droop, she will look like a Shar Pei. I saw one guy with one that said "For God and Country" and had an American flag next to it. It was done on his pecs. It was obvious that he worked out and the work looked great. In a few years, after he stops working out all the time, the flag will no longer be flying and the tattoo will read "ForGod" a space and then "try" on the first line and the second line will read "and coun" and the "paper" will be wrinkled.

Another thing that occurred to me is that there should be weight limits for bathing suits. The tags should specify the maximum weight for someone buying the suit. Based on some of the young girls I saw, they would not be allowed to purchase what they were wearing if there were restrictions. Understand that I am not a prude. I am, in fact, a huge fan of scantily clad women, the scantilier (I know this is not a real word, but it works for me here) the better in some cases. Where the problem comes in is when the belly hangs so far over that you cannot see the front of the bottom portion of the bathing suit. I realize that women want to appear sexy in their bathing suits, but it is not sexy when you look like 150 pounds of sausage in casing made to hold 90 pounds. Ladies, do yourselves a favor. Purchase a suit that makes you look good, not one that shows far more than men need or want to see.

This criticism is not restricted to women. Men have some of the same issues. Guys, just because you are young, have tattoos and wear your caps backwards does not mean that you are hot, sexy guys. If your belly sticks out to where you cannot see the waistband of your trunks, then there is a problem. You are just a fat guy trying to look better than you are. And for all the men who are here from other countries, lose the Speedos. Especially you older gents. There is nothing worse than seeing a wrinkly 75 year old man walking down the beach in a tight Speedo bathing suit, his stomach hanging over the waist band, and the back looking like it is trying to be a thong. I saw this once, a couple years ago and am still not able to unsee it (for those of you who could not see it, I just shuddered).

One of the things I love about going "down the shore" is walking the boardwalk. There are a number of arcades for my grandsons to play in. They love playing the games and racking up points. Once they have spent their limit, they can cash in the points for some of the prizes. I look at the things they can get and I think, "How cheap. These things can be bought for pennies, but it takes 900 points to get one plastic army man." My grandsons look at the things and think, "Wow! Look at all this cool stuff!" I guess it is all a matter of perspective.

When you walk along the boards, you have the opportunity to eat yourself into oblivion. There are pizza places, steak sandwich joints, ice cream stands, candy stores, a Dunkin' Donuts and places where they will fry just about anything you ask for. It is virtually impossible to leave the boardwalk hungry. The biggest problem I have is getting my body to understand that the food eaten when you are down the shore has no calories,sugar or fat in it. So far my body does not appear to be buying it. Just one more reason why I do not wear a bathing suit when I am down there.

Our fact this week tells us that all the chemicals in the human body combined are worth$8.50 (if sold separately). So don't ever let anyone tell you that you are worthless.

Today is Sunday, June 8 and there are just 200 days until Christmas.  I have already started getting the Christmas CD’s ready, but the lovely Elaine will not let me play any of them yet.  Today we recognize the birthdays of Giovanni Domenico Cassini, Frank Lloyd Wright and Barbara Pierce Bush.  On this day in 1786 the first commercially-made ice cream was sold in New York, in 1824 the washing machine was patented by Noah Cushing in Quebec and in 1968 Gary Puckett & the Union Gap released “Lady Will Power.”  It is Commonwealth Day in Swaziland and Botswana, Children’s Day in Massachusetts (my mother used to claim that every day was children’s day) and today is the last day of the National Asparagus Festival in Michigan.

I realize it is too late for you to make this year’s festival, but it is never too early to plan for next year.  The National Asparagus Festival is held each year in Oceana County, Michigan, which is known as “The Asparagus Capital of the Nation.”  This year’s list of events boasted a parade, food show and an Arts and Crafts Fair.  Some of the other exciting events included the Scottville Clown Band Mini-Concert, the Asparagus Farm Tour, the Asparagus Dinner and the Entertainment Tent which, on Saturday night, featured “The Rocket Fuel Haulers.”  They have an on-line site where you can purchase “I (heart) Asparagus” bumper stickers, “Spears To You” T-shirts, baseball T-shirts and hooded sweatshirts and other nifty items.  For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat awaiting the announcement – Danielle Kokx was crowned 2014 Asparagus Queen.

Asparagus has been used as a medicine owing to its diuretic properties.  It was pictured as an offering on an Egyptian frieze dating to 3000 BC.  Greeks and Romans ate it fresh when in season and dried it for use in the winter.  Only young shoots are commonly eaten: once the buds start to open, the shoots quickly turn woody.

Water makes up 93% of the vegetable’s composition.  It is low in calories and very low in sodium.  It is a good source of Vitamin B6, calcium, magnesium and zinc.  It is also a very good source of dietary fiber, protein, beta-carotene, niacin, vitamins C, E and K, folic acid and chromium.  That is just a partial list of the nutritional properties.  But all of this brings up the main question – Why a national festival?  The answer is simple – Why not?

I have threatened to discuss this next item a number of times.  This past Wednesday night made me decide not to put it off any longer.  That was the night that the faculty of the school where my wife teaches held a dinner to honor the four women, including the lovely Elaine, from that building who are retiring at the end of this school year.  So there I sat, in a room full of teachers, along with the other spouses of the retirees, listening to all these people speak in a language foreign to us mortals.  They talked about students, district policies, core curricula, SGO’s, state testing, etc.  The other husbands and I just sat there feeling like we had been placed in a room with a group of tourists from the Netherlands and told to entertain them.

This type of thing is endemic in the teaching profession.  If there are two teachers in a room, they cannot help themselves, they start talking about teaching.  It is even worse when there is a group of them.  And it does not get any better when they are retired.  They still do it.  We have several friends who are retired teachers.  Whenever we get together, they start talking what I refer to as “that teacher s---.”  In a way, it is simpler for me.  I just sit and nod my head and occasionally interject things like, “Really?” or “Can they do that?” or “And no one notices this?” 

Fortunately for me, I am able to come up with pithy comments that have some relevance to the conversation.  It reminds me of when I was in grammar school and a new student came into my class.  He was from Germany and spoke essentially no English.  So the thinking at the time was to just let him follow someone around and he would learn English as he went along.  Even for the 1950’s this was a poor idea to help him assimilate to life in the US, in general, and our school in particular.  Nonetheless, that was the plan.  He was assigned to me for a while and I did help him learn a little, but not anything they really wanted him to learn.  Fortunately for him, and me, they had him follow someone else.  But I digress …

We have had several parties where all these education people were together at the same time.  They got going talking their teacher stuff and I just sat and watched how animated they got.  Every once in a while I would freshen a drink or make sure the snacks were restocked, but for the most part I just sat and thought about this interesting profession.  When I was working and got together with my co-workers we talked about all sorts of stuff.  Every so often we would mention a particular customer that was familiar to everyone and we would have a laugh over something they did.  Generally, we tried to talk about anything but work.  We figured that if we were not getting paid, we should not be “working.”

This is not so with teachers.  Once a person becomes a teacher, they stay a teacher for life.  It is in their blood and they cannot get away from it.  It consumes them and becomes a part of them.  From a social standpoint it can be somewhat boring for the non-affected individual, but for the teacher, it is an opportunity to talk about something that very few people truly understand – the education of children.

On a serious note let me say that I am proud to be associated with so many teachers, so many people who are concerned about the future of the children they work with.  I have always found it interesting that people who have so much influence on the development of children receive so little respect and, quite frankly, are paid so little for their efforts.

On a less serious side, let me just say, “People, talk about something else occasionally!”

This week our fact tells us that the testicles of an octopus are located in its head.  According to female opinion, it is the exact opposite for human males.