Today is Sunday, February 17 and there are only 267 days until my birthday, for those of you who are keeping track. Today we remember the birthdays of Arcangelo Corelli, William Cadbury and Zina Bethune. On this day in 1621 Miles Standish was chosen as the first commander of Plymouth colony, in 1817 Baltimore became the first US city to be lit by gas and in 1969 Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash recorded an album which was never released. In Sri Lanka it is Maha Shivaratree and in the US it is National Random Acts of Kindness Day and National Cabbage Day.

As you probably know, tomorrow is Presidents’ Day. Presidents Day is an American holiday celebrated on the third Monday in February. Originally established in 1885 in recognition of President George Washington, the holiday became popularly known as Presidents Day after it was moved as part of 1971’s Uniform Monday Holiday Act, an attempt to create more three-day weekends for the nation’s workers. While several states still have individual holidays honoring the birthdays of Washington, Abraham Lincoln and other figures, Presidents Day is now popularly viewed as a day to celebrate all U.S. presidents, past and present. An interesting note is that, while Lincoln was lumped into Presidents’ Day, many government offices also close for Lincoln’s Birthday. There is not much else I can tell you that I haven’t mentioned in the past, so we will just let it go at this point.

I would like to let you all know that this will be my last posting. I have been posting each week for over six years. In the past couple months it has become more difficult to come up with ideas that do not repeat things I have discussed before. Let’s face it. Commercials continue to be ridiculous, like the one with a turkey sitting by a pool, reading as a way of selling a medication to help you quit smoking. Perfume commercials will never make sense and do not get me going on commercials for insurance. All I can say is that a number of people should be glad that I do not have to approve their ideas before they are made into commercials.

I can only go on so many times about poor drivers before even I get tired of the subject. I have talked about the show on the boardwalks at the Jersey shore, but you really need to see it for yourself to appreciate it. The same goes for the adult women on the beaches who try to get by wearing the bathing suits they wore in the fifth grade. 

By now I think everyone knows where I stand on things. I have always tried to be apolitical and I have tried to avoid commenting on religion and other controversial topics. It has always been my purpose to give you a different view on things and to be entertaining in the process. I hope that I have achieved that goal.

My final fact tells us that over 550 hot dogs are eaten every second in the US. Prove it! These kinds of facts are given to us all the time, but there is no real way to prove the veracity of these statements. I could tell you that the word “like” is used 1789 times a day by the average teenager and most people would nod their heads and say, “Yeah, they use that word, like, a lot.” The point is that I made that up and no one has any way to prove it right or wrong, they just accept it as so. 

I thank those of you who have taken the time to read my offerings. I hope they gave you a chuckle or two. Have a good life!

Today is Sunday, February 10 and there are only 318 days until Christmas. It is never too early to start shopping, just make notes of where you put the stuff you buy. Today we remember the birthdays of Norbert van Flowers, Jimmy Durante and Sharon Stone. On this day in 1535 12 nude Anabaptists ran through Amsterdam streets, in 1863 PT Barnum staged the wedding of Tom Thumb and Mercy Lavinia Warren and in 1961 the Niagara Falls hydroelectric project began producing power. World-wide it is Boy Scout Day and in the US it is National Umbrella Day and National Cream Cheese Brownie Day.

Now, before you get all worked up, I will tell you who the Anabaptists are. Anabaptists believe that baptism is valid only when the candidate confesses his or her faith in Christ and wants to be baptized. This believer’s baptism is opposed to the baptism of infants, who are not able to make a conscious decision to be baptized. Anabaptists are those who are in a traditional line with the early Anabaptists of the 16th century. 

Most Anabaptists were pacifists who opposed war and the use of coercive measures to maintain the social order; they also refused to swear oaths, including those to civil authorities. For their teachings regarding baptism and for the apparent danger they posed to the political order, they were ubiquitously persecuted. They are considered the spiritual ancestors of modern Baptists, Mennonites and Quakers. As a religious sect, the Anabaptists were seen to practice unusual rituals and follow an eccentric set of beliefs. One story, for instance, purports that an Anabaptist prophet, claiming to have visited heaven, persuaded his followers to run naked through the streets of Amsterdam. This is the best I can do to find out why they ran naked. I would have thought that they would have waited until it was warmer, but that’s just me. Just something to talk about at your next church coffee hour.

The other night, I mentioned to Barbara that her hands were cold. I pointed out that the backs of her hands were colder than the palms. This made me wonder. Why is it called the back of your hand? Since that is the part that is seen more often, I would think it would be called the front of your hand. But even if we accept that it is the back of your hand, why isn’t the other side called the front of your hand? And furthermore, why is it called the palm? I am not sure what it should be called, but calling it the palm is odd.

That led me to wonder about another odd thing. You know when you whack your elbow on a door jamb or something, everyone says you hit your funny bone. I always wondered why it was called the funny bone. There is nothing funny about it. In my case it could be called the profanity bone. I thought it had something to do with the fact that it was by the humerus bone (get it?). As it turns out, it is called the funny bone because of the funny feeling you get after you hit it. More interesting is the fact that it is actually the ulnar nerve (not a bone), but runs near the ulna bone. The elbow joint is in relation to that nerve, hence the weird feeling when you whack it. Had enough? Me, too.

Recently we have been having a lot of utility work done in this area. My question is, what is the story with the police cars having to be there? The company doing the work places traffic cones and puts out signs warning you that they are working, so what is the purpose of the police car. There is always a police car there, but the police officer never actually does anything. As an example, they were getting ready to place new utility poles along a stretch of road near us.

 The company had put out signs and placed cones to direct traffic. Because of the work, in some areas, the road was down to one lane.  Cars would come along, but no one knew who was supposed to go and who was supposed to wait. It came down to whoever went first won the contest. What made it more interesting was when a car from both directions decided to go at the same time. A policeman was there watching the confusion, but he never actually did anything to help people understand what was happening. He just stood by his car, lights flashing and watched. I could do that job and I wouldn’t need a fancy uniform or a gun. I could go by the police station in the morning, get a car, go to the site, turn on the flashing lights and then stand around. If anyone needs me for that, let me know.

This week our fact tells us that the armadillo can be housebroken. What I would like to know is why anyone wanted to know if it could. Of course this opens up a whole new line of items to sell. We can have bumper stickers that say “I (heart) my armadillo” or “My armadillo is smarter than your honor student” and other clever things. You could buy an armadillo stick figure to go with your stick family on the back window of your car. The possibilities are endless. Another important issue is does an armadillo use a litter box or does it have to be walked?

Today is Sunday, February 3 and there are only 82 days until Arbor Day, so get ready to, in the words of Lady Bird Johnson, “Beautify America. Plant a tree, a shrub or a bush.” Today we remember the birthdays of Horace Greeley, Gertrude Stein and Nathan Lane. On this day in 1547 Russian czar Ivan IV married Anastasia Romanova, in 1815 the world’s first commercial cheese factory was established, in Switzerland, and in 1913 the 16^th Amendment, federal income tax, was ratified. In Japan it is the Bean Throwing Festival, in Paraguay it is Patron’s Day and in the US it is National Day the Music Died Day and National Carrot Cake Day.

First, some information about the month of February. It is the second and shortest month of the year. It is the first of five months to have a length of less than 31 days (the other four months that fall under this category are: April, June, September, and November), and the only month to have a length of less than 30 days, with the other seven months having 31 days. Historical names for February include the Old English terms Solmonath (mud month) and Kale-monath (named for cabbage). In Finnish, the month is called helmikuu, meaning "month of the pearl"; when snow melts on tree branches, it forms droplets, and as these freeze again, they are like pearls of ice.

The birth flowers for February are the violet, the common primrose and the Iris. The birthstone is the Amethyst. February is American Heart Month, Black History Month and National Bird-Feeding Month. That should give you something to talk about during the Super Bowl halftime today.

Recently, I heard someone use the phrase “to die for.”  I have to say that I am tired of that phrase.  Everything has become so good that it is to die for – dinners, desserts, drinks, clothing and so on.  What is it about us that we hear a phrase and then use it to death.  Another phrase that has become tiresome is when we describe something as being “spot on.”  What does that really mean?  “His use of garlic in that savory ice cream was spot on.”  “That editorial about the governor and his tactics was spot on.”  “I think the use of ruffles on that camo bikini was spot on.”  “Oh look,” said Jane, “I see Spot on the couch.”  If you think someone did something that was really good, why not just say so?  “I think the use of fresh tomato on that pizza was a great choice.”  Same number of syllables, just as easy to say and it actually means something.

Some time ago I took a job managing three inbound sales teams in a large call center.  One of the first things I did when I took over was to bring together my three team leaders to give them an idea of my managing style.  The one thing I stressed more than anything was that I did not want to hear the phrase “on the same page” used.  If we agreed on something then say so.  If we disagreed, we did not say we were on different pages, so let’s drop that phrase from our lexicology. It was just another over-used phrase that we could do without.

A phrase I hear used often is “that is in my wheelhouse.”  When I first heard it I assumed it had something to do with a person’s area of expertise or a particular skill.  I wondered where it came from and looked it up.  It apparently originated in the 1950’s in baseball.  Wheelhouse described a pitch that came across the plate in a spot where a batter could make solid contact.  The interesting part of this is that no one really seems to know why it was called a wheelhouse.  Nowadays it has left the baseball field and become the term for everything.  It is generally used by people who try to build themselves up.  What sounds more impressive – yes I can do that or yes that is in my wheelhouse?  For sure “in my wheelhouse” sounds more pompous.

I think the time has come for us to get back to basics.  Call things what they are.  If the chocolate mousse was delicious and you want to rub it on your body, say so.  Saying it is to die for makes me think you are allergic to chocolate.  If you think that the use of coffee in brownies really enhances the flavor, say so.  Spot on makes me think I splattered the batter on my shirt.  If you know how to do something, say so.  Saying it is in your wheelhouse makes me think you are a tugboat captain.  I hope we are all on the same page with this.

This week’s fact tells us that 1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire are strung across the US.  Just think, all of that wire for about 150 senior citizens who refuse to get cell phones.

Today is Sunday, January 27 and there are only 158 days until July 4^th. Time to start planning your barbecues and buying the fireworks. Today we remember the birthdays of Abbas I, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Mikhail Baryshnikov. On this day in 1671 pirate Henry Morgan landed at Panama City, in 1880 Thomas Edison patented the electric incandescent lamp and in 1961 “Sing Along With Mitch” premiered on NBC TV. In Mauritius it is Cavadee, in Vietnam it is Peace Day and in the US it is National Chocolate Cake Day.

I have to be honest, I don’t have much this week. It was a stay-at-home kind of week and there really isn’t too much to talk about.  I could comment about a number of things, but it would just be repetitious. I will admit that I may have been misleading recently when I talked about speeding.  I said that I do the speed limit. I do not when the limit is 55. I always thought that it was silly to change the limit from 60 to 55, especially since no one paid any attention to it. I go 60 and people still fly by me. If they really wanted people to go 55, they should have lowered the speed to 40. That would have gotten everyone up to 50 or 55 and would have accomplished the goal.

I would be willing to bet that most people do not even know why the limit was lowered to 55 in the first place. The limit was lowered by Congress as part of the Emergency Highway Energy Conservation Act which was passed to try and cut the gasoline consumption levels in response to the 1973 oil crisis. It was also felt that there would be a decrease in accidents and auto fatalities. The law was repealed in 1995, but many states left the 55 limit in effect. Why? Who knows. Maybe it was easier than having to change all the signs back to the original limit.

Another thing I suppose I could go into would be older people who try to make themselves look younger than they are, unsuccessfully. I saw a woman the other day who had to be in her 70’s. She was wearing very tight slacks (that did nothing for her), high-heeled boots, a low cut V-neck sweater and her hair was styled short and spiky. The problems – she was having a hard time walking in the boots, the neckline showed wrinkles that you could hide children in and her hair was black, unnaturally black. I wanted to buy her a can of spray paint in case she needed to do a touchup. There is no way anyone looking at her thought she was younger than 70, except maybe herself.

I also saw a man who had a comb-over that started just above his right ear. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to comb over so he had these long strands of thin hair that still did not cover most of his head. I wanted to tell him that everyone knew he was bald. Cut the hair and deal with it. Another guy I saw had a wig that reminded me of that old line, “It’s not fake anything.  It’s real dynel!” What made it worse was that it was not fitted to his head well and he had about a ½ inch border of gray showing on his neck. I do not see how any of these people look in a mirror and say, “Yeah, that looks great.”

Understand, I do not think that I am some manly stud who makes women swoon. I am what I am and look how I look. My goal is to look as good as I can with what I have and try not to look ridiculous when I go out. I keep my hair short so that my bald spot is not as obvious. I told my grandson that it was not a bald spot, it was a solar panel to help give me energy. He got it and kids me about it sometimes. The bottom line is that I am comfortable with how I look. If someone doesn’t like it, they can look the other way. I figure that as long as I am clean, shaved, neatly dressed and not bathed in cologne that you can smell two minutes before I get there and ten minutes after I am gone, then I am good.

Here is another question. Have you ever been out in public and had an itch that could not be ignored, but was in an area that you really did not want to scratch while the world watched? Recently, we were out for dinner and I had an itch on my upper thigh, in the back. There is no way, when sitting, to surreptitiously scratch that itch. It would have looked even odder if I stood up to do it. Of course I knew that when I scratched it, Barbara would say, “What are you doing?” This would have immediately drawn even more attention to me. But sometimes you don’t have a choice so I took care of it, she responded as anticipated and fortunately no one stared directly at me. But they knew, they knew.

I have just looked over what I have written and all I can say is imagine how much there would be if I had something to say. This week our fact is one that I find amazing. Justin Timberlake’s half-eaten French toast sold for over $3000 on eBay. Several questions come to mind with this. The first question is – WHY? The next question is how does the person who made the purchase know that it is, in fact, Justin Timberlake’s? What, exactly, does the person plan to do with it? In ten years who will even care, or for that matter believe, it was Justin’s? Frankly, if you have nothing better to do with your money then buy half-eaten food, send it to me and I will give you a whole French toast breakfast and use the rest of the funds to help other people eat a good breakfast.

Today is Sunday, January 20 and there are only 225 days until Labor Day, so keep an eye out for the Back to School sales. Today we remember the birthdays of Richard H Lee, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin and Ivana Trump. On this day in 1265 the first English Parliament was called into session by the Earl of Leicester, in 1785 Samuel Ellis advertised to sell Oyster Island (Ellis Island), no takers and in 1961 Robert Frost recited “The Gift Outright” at JFK’s inauguration. In Bulgaria today is Grandmother’s Day, in Mali it is National Army Day and in the US it is National Buttercrunch Day and National Cheese Lover’s Day.

As you know, tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr Day. It is a federal holiday marking the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr and is observed on the third Monday of January. King was the chief spokesperson for nonviolent activism in the Civil Rights Movement which successfully protested racial discrimination in federal and state law. The campaign for a federal holiday in King's honor began soon after his assassination in 1968. President Ronald Reagan signed the holiday into law in 1983, and it was first observed three years later. At first, some states resisted observing the holiday as such, giving it alternative names or combining it with other holidays. It was officially observed in all 50 states for the first time in 2000.

I was up late watching TV the other night and saw a commercial for Red Lobster. In it they advertised unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Here is my question: Are they CHEDDAR Bay Biscuits or are they CHEDDAR BAY biscuits?  If they are the former, what does a regular Bay Biscuit taste like?  Why would someone want to add cheddar to them?  Are there Garlic Bay Biscuits or any other flavors?  If the latter, where is Cheddar Bay and what is so special about it that they would name a biscuit after the place? 

Here is another issue that I have wondered about for some time and which came up again the other night. I was surfing channels to find something to watch. There is not much worth watching on TV after midnight, in my opinion. I happened to pass by a channel showing part of a fashion show. I was struck by several thoughts. One was that I thought it was interesting that most of the clothing you see on these shows is never actually worn by anyone in real life. At least I don’t think it is. Of course, I do not generally hang out with the type of people who might wear it. You know the ones I mean, the ones who think eating a big meal is looking at pictures of food while having a cracker and a small glass of water.

What I also find interesting is that most clothing is not designed for the average woman. All the models are rail thin, tall, leggy women with no real shape, no breasts, no butt and no shoulders to speak of.  Look around you! This is not what most women look like. If you want to sell clothing, design something that looks good on the typical woman, the one with large breasts or broad shoulders or who is short or chubby or has a slightly out-of-proportion butt. If you can do that people will beat a path to your store. You might also try designing clothing that is normal looking and functional. Just a thought.

I know I have said this before, but I feel I should repeat the complaint. I recently saw a commercial for a cream that will remove the bags, dark lines and wrinkles from under your eyes. The commercial touted the cream, saying it would stop the aging process and make you look years younger. If the model they were using looked years younger, she would look like she was in grammar school. If you want people to really believe that your product works, use a person who has the problems you claim you can correct and show us the results. Nothing speaks louder than results.

One more issue that I find interesting is when you make a purchase in a store with your credit card.  In many of the stores, the pad where you sign has a message that comes up telling you the amount of the charge and asking if this is okay. I have wondered what would happen if I said it is not okay. What would the reaction be if I said, “No that is not okay.  I am retired and living on a fixed income and that is just too much.  I would rather that it be around $5 instead of the $26.89 you are charging.”  I may have to give that a try some day.  I’ll let you know the results.

This week our fact tells us that it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. I also read somewhere that if you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs will pop out. I am here to let you know that I can sneeze with my eyes open and when I do my eyeballs do not pop out. Because of allergies, I have developed the ability to sneeze with my eyes open. This is necessary so that I do not have to close my eyes as I sneeze four times in a row while I am driving. That could cause problems far worse than my eyes popping out. 

When I read these types of facts and realize that they are not correct, it makes me wonder about all the other facts that I read. They claim that no two snowflakes are the same. How could anyone possibly know that? If it is snowing here in New Jersey, how can they prove that an identical snowflake has not fallen in Switzerland? I could go on, but I believe I have run this into the ground in the past. Sometime when you sneeze, try doing it with your eyes open. Just keep a tissue handy in case your eyes pop out.