Welcome back.  Today is Sunday August 10 and there are only 93 days until my birthday.  It’s never too early to begin shopping.  It is the birthday of Camilio Benso di Cavour, Rhonda Fleming and Ronnie Spector.  On this day in 1519 Magellan set sail with a five-ship fleet to circumnavigate the earth, in 1866 the Transatlantic cable was laid and former President Buchanan communicated with Queen Victoria and in 1948 Allen Funt’s “Candid Camera” debuted on ABC.  In Ecuador it is Independence Day, in Italy they are celebrating Palio Del Golfo and it is Admission Day in Missouri.

I open today with some sad news.  My mother-in-law succumbed to heart problems and other issues this past week.  She was a wonderful woman and was always a pleasure to be with.  She was quiet, but knew how to speak up when necessary.  She was not verbose, but could make her point, strongly, when needed.  She had a good sense of humor and even after suffering a stroke several years ago, she still had a sharp wit and appreciated the jokes and humorous banter at our gatherings.

She was a strong, pragmatic woman who took what the world dealt out and handled it.  I always felt that I was lucky to have been accepted as her son-in-law and always said that I did better in the mother-in-law department than the lovely Elaine did.  I loved and respected my mother-in-law and always enjoyed her company.  In her later years, I was glad that I was available to help her and take her to doctor’s appointments.  She was not someone who wanted to be a burden and it was always hard to convince her that she was not. 

She was a person who cared about family and people in need.  The lovely Elaine always talked about how her mother took donations to Boys Town, the Goodwill Rescue Mission and other charities.  The family did not have a lot, but she was always ready to share when needed.  She believed in family and was appreciated by the cousins, nephews and nieces of her family.  She was loved by many and will be missed by all.

At her wake this past week, I was struck by a number of things that were both interesting and amusing.  The funeral home where she was laid out had another wake going at the same time.  The rooms were across from each other and had a sign on the wall over the guest book saying who was in each room.  It became apparent that people do not read those signs.  We had a number of people come into the room, look around, realize they did not recognize anyone and then go out to try the other room.

We had one woman come in with her young child, kneel at the casket, then get up.  It was at this point that she realized they were in the wrong room.  The fact that the person she was viewing looked nothing like the person she was there for did not seem to bother her.  What puzzled her was that she did not recognize anyone in the room.  It was not until she looked out into the hall and saw people she knew that it occurred to her that she had made a mistake.  One woman came in the day of the funeral, knelt at the casket, looked at my mother-in-law, stood up, turned to us and said, “That’s not Diane, is it?”  We told her that it was not and that Diane was in the other room.  She shrugged and went across the hall.

An interesting thing about wakes is the way people act while at one.  They sit in the room and stare at the deceased. Occasionally, they will talk quietly to a family member or a friend and you can tell that they are silently wondering what they should be doing and how long they have to stay.  I think the period of time that you stay is determined by how well you knew the deceased or the family.  From what I have observed, there are three levels of attendees at a wake.  The first level is the people who had a passing knowledge of the deceased or were co-workers or neighbors of the family.  These people come in, pause briefly at the casket, seek out the family members, express their condolences and then leave.  You can almost hear the sigh of relief as they walk out the door.

The second level is friends or neighbors of the deceased or the family.  They come in, kneel at the casket, seek out the family to express condolences and then sit in the chairs provided.  They spend their time trying not to look uncomfortable or bored and hope that someone they know will come in so they have someone to talk to.  They stay longer than the first level, but they are wondering how long is appropriate, because they do not want to spend the whole night.  They also want to be sure they get out before the priest shows up.

The final level is close friends and family of the deceased.  They are the ones who are in it for the duration.  They come and stay and offer comfort.  They share stories and memories and take advantage of being together.  Everyone bemoans the fact that life gets in the way of getting together and that it is a shame that it takes a death to get together.  They all say that they will have to stay in touch so that they don’t wait for another funeral to see each other.  We all know how that works out.

I know I have talked about this before, but I am going to repeat it.  I have told the lovely Elaine that I do not want a traditional wake.  I want to be in a small room.  I do not want people sitting there looking at me.  I know that people need to come see the deceased, if only to assure themselves that he or she is dead.  That is fine, but do not hang around.  I want a funeral home that is near a bar so that there can be a party.  I have told her that I want to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.  I have asked that my mouth be formed into a smirk.  It is what people would expect of me.  Besides, most people look as if they are suffering from gas and I do not want that.  So, when you hear about my wake, don’t be afraid to come.  It is not my intent to be typical.

This week our fact tells us that an office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.  That may be, but I would still rather have lunch in my office instead of the men’s room.