Today is Sunday, May 22 and there are only 106 days until Labor Day and then the kids will go back to school.  Hang in there parents, you can do it!  Today we remember the birthdays of Richard Wagner, Peter Nero and Bernie Taupin.  On this day in 1570 the first atlas, with 70 maps, was published, in 1843 the first wagon train, with over 1000 people, departed Independence, MO for Oregon and in 1933 the Loch Ness Monster was first reportedly sighted by John Mackay.  In Angel’s Camp, CA it is Jumping Frog Jubilee Day, in Haiti it is National Sovereignty Day and in the US it is National Maritime Day and National Vanilla Pudding Day.

My despair deepens.  I recently went into a chain office supply store to purchase note paper.  I was not sure where it would be so, rather than wander aimlessly, I asked one of the people who worked there where I would find note paper.  She stared at me with a puzzled look on her face.  I said, “You know, note paper.  Paper that you write on and send to someone.  It usually has a design on it and comes with envelopes so you can mail it.”  Still nothing.

“We have post-its of different sizes for notes, but you can’t really mail those.  I’m not really sure what you mean or where we would have something like that.  Let’s look over here.”  We proceeded to wander a couple aisles, aimlessly, until I happened to spot what I wanted.  I pointed out what I was looking for and she was surprised.  She said she was not aware that they carried anything like that.  I am pretty sure she will not remember where we found it or that they carry it, but I am sure that the next time someone asks her for note paper her response will be, “I am not sure.  This is not my area.  Let me get someone to help you.”

Here is another issue – it seems that technology can be dumb, too.  My car has Bluetooth capability and can sync with my phone so I can use the phone hands free.  The other day I wanted to call home and leave a message for myself to take care of something.  I pressed the button and was told to say the name I was calling after the beep.  I heard the beep and said “home” clearly, I thought.  The system said, “Calling Pat.”  I immediately hit the hang up button.  I decided to try again so I pressed the button and carefully enunciated the word home when the time came.  The system said, “Calling Pat.”  I hung up again, but apparently the pause while I swore at the system before hanging up allowed the call to connect.  A moment or so later Pat called me back.  Fortunately, Pat knows about my occasional ineptitude with technology.  She laughed, either with or at me, we hung up and I was finally able to make my call.

Recently, I began receiving e-mails from one of those dating sites.  What makes this interesting is that I never signed up on the site and the e-mails are going to an address that I set up to be able to post this blog and generally never use.  Out of curiosity, I started looking at the women being proffered.  Let me point out that I am not looking for someone.  If I were I have yet to see a woman on here that would interest me.  The majority of these women have a few things in common.  They are almost all divorced.  They are generally of the same religious persuasion.  They all claim to be athletic and in good shape.  Here is where it gets interesting.  Almost all of them are looking for a man who is 5’10” to 6’4”, athletic and toned and has an annual income of $75,000 to $150,000.

I am not any of those.  What makes it even more interesting is that VERY few of these women are, how shall I say this, umm, attractive.  These are women in their 60’s who, based on their pictures should not be so picky.  I hate to be mean, but if you are looking for an athletic, toned rich guy, you need to have something more going for you than crepey skin, a desire to travel and a love of cats.  I receive these e-mails daily.  I could unsubscribe but I won’t.  It’s like a car wreck – you don’t want to look, but you cannot help it.  I check every day just to see if the trend changes.  I also wonder if I will see someone I know.  In the meantime, I will work on my abs and look into getting a part time job.

This week our fact tells us that the reason the taste of artificial banana flavoring and artificial banana flavored products don’t taste like bananas is because the flavor is based on a type of banana that was wiped out by a plague in the 1950’s.  So why not just change the flavor to taste like something that actually exists?  Why do we keep using a flavor that no one recognizes?  And you wonder why I despair?

I think I am going to go out on a boat and eat some vanilla pudding.  See you next week.

Today is Sunday, May 15 and there are only 224 days until Christmas so get started on those cards and Christmas letters. You don’t want to wait until the last minute.  Today we remember the birthdays of Claudio Giovanni Antonio Monteverdi, Francisco Pujol and Jean Balissat.  On this day in 1602 Cape Cod was discovered by English navigator Bartholomew Gosnold, in 1905 Las Vegas, Nevada was founded and in 1940 nylon stockings went on sale for the first time.  In Austria it is Independence Day, in the US it is I am an American Day and it is also National Chocolate Chip Day.

I don’t have much to discuss this week.  I have been working on getting paperwork taken care of and dealing with the myriad issues of settling Elaine’s affairs.  I am amazed at the amount of paper required to get this done.  Keep in mind that the lovely Elaine did not have a large number of stocks and bonds that need to be dealt with.  She did not have intricate financial accounts that require lawyers and accountants to get them settled.  We are talking about an 11 year old car, a small IRA that was originally her mother’s and a small insurance policy.  Because the car and the IRA were only in her name, the court has to get involved.  This will, of course, drag things on for quite some time.

Getting the insurance settled and updating our bank accounts is another story.  The insurance company sent me the forms to complete so that they can settle the claim.  I think it will cost them more than the policy is worth to get this done.  I spent close to 15 minutes on the phone talking to an agent just to get the whole thing going.  They sent me a packet of paperwork to be completed that was big enough to require extra postage.  They included a postage paid envelope to return it.  Once they receive it, someone on their end will have to slog through the information to process the claim.  And then they will have to issue the check.  Based on the size of the policy, I would have thought they could have done the whole thing by phone.

The banks are also interesting.  For reasons not worth going into here, we have funds in a couple institutions.  Both banks are located in the same state, so one would think they are governed by the same regulations.  Apparently, one would be wrong.  Because of my background working in banks and a credit union, I had a general idea of what to expect.  I also had the benefit of the lovely Elaine’s experiences dealing with her parents’ affairs.  It seems that neither bank is aware of what some of the regulations are, nor are they aware of what they required as recently as last year when dealing with deceased accounts.

There is nothing more disturbing than to go into a bank, explain why you are there and then have them present you with the wrong paperwork to fill out.  One would think that they would have a standard procedure set up so that it is always done the same way.  Again, one would be wrong.  I reviewed the packet given to me in the one bank and was assured by the less than impressive person that everything was there.  “Alls you have ta do is sign where I marked and it’s done.”

I asked her if this was the first time she had handled this type of thing.  She assured me that it was not.  I suggested that she review the forms before we proceeded.  She gave me one of those big sighs to show how ridiculous I was being, but she quickly scanned them and then pushed them back to me telling me they were fine.  I asked if I could speak to a manager.  That got me a glare, but at that point she was happy to be rid of me.  The manager and she spoke and then I was invited to his desk.  I sat there while he made a show of reading the forms and then he said, “Everything appears to be in order.  All you have to do is sign where it is marked and it will be taken care of.”

Incredulously I said, “Are you serious?”  He assured me that he was.  At this point I showed him that they were using the wrong forms, based on the type of account I had.  I also pointed out that the spots marked were where the manager was supposed to sign, not the customer.  He became very apologetic and got the correct forms.  We finally got everything done, but it remains to be seen if it was all done properly.  His excuse for the confusion was that they don’t get a lot of “this type of thing.”  I will probably be looking to switch banks once this is all settled.

This week our fact tells us that according to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.  Finally that is settled.  Now if we can just get the tree falling in the woods thing worked out, we will be in great shape.

Since this is the official day – I am an American! And proud of it.

Today is Sunday, May 8 and there are only 22 days until the unofficial beginning of summer, aka Memorial Day.  Start planning those barbecues. You may also want to make sure you have sunglasses handy when all that pasty white flesh gets out in the sunshine.  Today we remember the birthdays of Mary Lou Williams, Toni Tennille and Felicity Lott.  On this day in 1639 William Coddington founded Newport, RI, in 1794 the US Post Office was established and in 1952 Mad Magazine debuted.  It is Furry Day in Helston, England, Stork Day in Ribe, Denmark and Mother’s Day in the US.  It is also National Coconut Cream Pie Day.

As always, I try to provide information for special holidays.  Today is Mother’s Day, a celebration honoring the mother of the family.  The first Mother’s Day was celebrated in 1908 when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in West Virginia.  In developing the holiday, Jarvis noted that”Mother’s” should be “a singular possessive, for each family to honor its own mother, not a plural possessive commemorating all mothers in the world.”

Although she was successful in founding Mother’s Day, she became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday.  Jarvis believed companies had misinterpreted and exploited the idea of Mother’s Day.  She protested at a candy makers’ convention in Philadelphia in 1923 and at a meeting of American War Mothers in 1925.  By this time, carnations had become associated with Mother’s Day, and the selling of carnations by the American War Mothers to raise money angered Jarvis, who was arrested for disturbing the peace.

Moving on I wanted to share an amusing little conversation I had with my younger grandson.  He was out on the front lawn kicking all the dandelions.  He said he liked to do it to scatter the seeds.  I told him his father would just love that.  He said his father would be proud.  I said that was not the word I was thinking of.  He said yeah but the word still starts with P.

Moving on again, let me just say that I am still in despair.  I know I have railed about this before but I cannot help it.  Because the weather has been so lousy lately, I have been relegated to watching more TV than usual, which means I see more commercials.  I cannot believe what I see.  There is one commercial which takes place at a car show.  At one point, a model gets in a car and drives away.  I am not sure how stealing a car would make someone want to buy that car.  I would be concerned that someone would steal my car if I bought it.

Then there is the commercial that has people making beverage choices by being hit in the head with fruit.  Or the snack commercial that has a cartoon animal interacting with people.  One commercial I find interesting is the restaurant that touts the fact that their beef is now hand carved.  What were they using before?  How does hand carving change the quality of the beef? If it is lousy, it is lousy, regardless of how you carve it.  The ones that get me the most are the cologne commercials.  They make no sense.  One example is the one where a sexy woman walks in dressed in a fancy gown and starts to climb a piece of fabric that happens to drop from the ceiling.  She reaches the top and walks on the roof.  What does any of that have to do with cologne?  Maybe it means you can still smell good after physical exertion.

I had an experience recently in the parking lot of the grocery store that I thought I would share with you.  This store has some of the laziest customers I have ever seen.  They do not take their carts anywhere when they are done.  Generally, they just leave them in the space.  The other day I was walking back to my car, having made one of my almost daily trips to the store.  As I was approaching my car, I saw the woman parked next to me take her cart and put it behind my car.  I got to my car just as she was getting in hers.  I took the cart and put it behind her car.  She saw me do it and said, “You just put that cart behind my car.”  I said, “Yes I did, but you had just put it behind my car.  I was just returning the favor.”  Based on the look I got I am glad she was not armed.

Just one more little item and then I will let you go.  The other day I was going out to check the mail and a neighbor from a few houses away was driving by.  He stopped, opened his window and asked me how Kenny was doing.  I told him I did not know a Kenny.  He asked who lived in the house and I said I did.  Before continuing, let me point out that I grew my mustache in 1972
and my beard five or six years ago.  We moved here last August.  I mention this because when I told him I lived in the house he said he did not recognize me with the beard and mustache.  We chatted for a couple minutes and he expressed his condolences.  As he got ready to leave I said, “By the way my name is Bill, not Kenny.”  He looked surprised and said, “Where did I get Kenny from?”  I told him I had no idea.  He just shook his head and drove off.

This week our fact tells us that the Bible is the most shoplifted book in the world.  I wonder how many of them are brought back when they read the part that says, “Thou shalt not steal.”

Be sure to visit or call your Mom, wish her a Happy Mother’s Day and thank her for being your Mom.

That’s it for this week.  Now go buy a coconut cream pie and share it with some friends.

Today is Sunday, May 1 and there are only 238 days until Christmas.  Remember it is never to early to order those Swiss Colony beef logs.  Today we remember the birthdays of Magnus VI Lagabuter, Benjamin Henry Latrobe and Joseph Heller.  On this day in 305 Emperor Gaius Aurelius Valerius Diocletianus Jovius of Rome resigned (he was tired of having to sign his name all the time), in 1844 Samuel Morse sent the first telegraphic message and in 1931 the Empire State Building opened.  In Finland it is Vappu Day, in Hawaii it is Lei Day and in the US it is Child Health Day.  It is also National Chocolate Parfait Day and National Lemonade Day.

I may have discussed this before and if I have I apologize, but I am going to talk about it again.  If you remember reading it before, feel free to skip ahead to the next topic.  The issue is why some large dump trucks have a sign on the back that says, “Construction Vehicle Do Not Follow.”  Are there really drivers out there who follow large dump trucks on a highway?  Why?  What is it that they hope to accomplish by following a dump truck?  I will be honest, I have seen a number of dump trucks in my driving experience and have never been tempted to follow one, even without the sign.  In fact, I try to avoid being behind them because they tend to slow down going up hills and they are always dropping dirt and stones and other debris that could damage my car.  One of these days I may follow one with a sign and one without a sign just to see what they do that is different.  If I do I will let you know the story.

(If you have skipped ahead, start here.)  I have to admit that I am in despair.  Lately, it seems that people are becoming more ignorant, stupider, less concerned with everyone, more arrogant, I could go on, but I am sure you get the picture.  Why do I say this?  Let me give you some examples.  Recently, I was out driving.  I had stopped at a red light and was the second car in line.  Just as the light turned green a car came up on my left and used the left turn lane to go straight so that it wouldn’t have to wait for two cars to go.  The safety issues aside, what was the rush?  Once he or she got through the light they did not take off down the road.  They did the speed limit.  Was it just because they did not want to be behind other cars or were they doing something on their phone, did not see the light was red and swerved to avoid hitting us.  Hmmm.

Speaking of being on the phone, did they rescind that law about using the phone while driving?  I see people riding along talking on the phone all the time.  Some people are holding the phone with one hand and steering with the other.  Some are driving with both hands while trying to hold the phone with their shoulder.  Some are doing that pretentious holding the phone out in front of them and talking, as if they are they only people with a cell phone.  Really?  It is more unique to not have one … but I digress.  I even saw one (I am at a loss as to what to call her, but I will go with)horse’s patoot who was driving with one hand, had the phone held up by her shoulder and was applying lip gloss.  I think multi-tasking is a good thing, but that is going a bit too far.

Apparently people have become incapable of reading or understanding signs.  It seems that the No Turn On Red signs are only for people who follow rules.  And, God forbid you are trying to cross the street when one of those people decides to ignore the sign.  The rule is that you should come to a complete stop before making the turn.  Pedestrians are lucky if drivers slow down to 25 mph when making the turn.  I will admit that I don’t always come to a complete stop, but I do slow down almost to a stop and actually look before I turn in case there is someone in the crosswalk.  Let’s be honest.  Do you really want to run into someone with your car?  Can you afford the time you will need to explain to the police how you managed to come to a full stop and then make the turn and still send the person flying 15 feet across the pavement?  Not to mention explaining why you turned when the sign said you couldn’t.

Recently, I was stuck in traffic, inching along at about five feet per minute due to an accident.  When I got to the area where the accident had occurred, the three left lanes had been shut down.  An 18 wheeler was smashed into the divider.  Workers were picking up chunks of the divider and throwing them on a truck.  A car was upside down in the roadway.  I mention all of this because of what came next.  As soon as we got passed the scene and the road opened up, cars took off down the highway at speeds much higher than the posted limit.  I guess they felt they had to go faster to make up for the time they lost.  I would have thought that an upside down car on the road would have made them cautious, but what do I know?

This week our fact tells us that in 2011 Forbes estimated that Scrooge McDuck was worth $44.1 billion dollars.  I am not sure what they used to determine that, nor am I sure of why they felt it was necessary.  My questions are if he had that much money why couldn’t he get a speech therapist for Donald and some pants for Donald’s nephews?  And if you will allow me one more digression, where are the parents of those nephews?  Just wondering.

Thanks for coming by.  Now go get some lemonade and try to get a lei.

This week it is with profound sadness that I write to tell you that the lovely Elaine lost her battle with brain cancer this past week.  As a result, I hope you will understand that it will be a few weeks before I write again, but I will be back, I promise.

Elaine and I started “ going steady” when she was a sophomore and I was a junior in high school. We waited 7 years, until she had finished college and I got out of the service, to get married.  This May we would have been married 43 years.  Yes that equals 50 years together.

Elaine was my light and my life.  We had rough patches when I was out of work, but she was always there keeping me strong and keeping us going forward.  I would not be where I am today or have what we had together without her.  To paraphrase the Josh Groban song, she raised me up to more than I could be.

We have a wall in our house that has all sorts of signs and memorabilia on it.  It is a wall of humor and pithy sayings.  One of the signs says, “Happiness is being married to your best friend.”  We experienced one month short of 43 years of happiness.  We were fortunate in that we liked to do the same things, generally we liked the same music, we enjoyed being together and we were comfortable with not having to talk to each other all the time.

I had a number of things I wanted to say, but I did not want to start sounding sappy.  Suffice it to say that Elaine was the love of my life.  She meant the world to me.  I loved her with all my heart and soul.  I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.  I hope she is at peace.  I hope that she is with her family.  I hope she knows how much she meant to me and how much I truly loved her.

Elaine, losing you has given me an ache in my heart that will not ease until we are together again.  I have loved you for almost 50 years and always will.  Be at peace.

Today is Sunday, April 10 and there are only 204 days until Halloween, so start watching for those candy sales.  Today we remember the birthdays of Hugo Grotius, Commodore Matthew Perry and Clare Boothe Luce.  On this day in 1790 the US Patent system was established, in1841 the New York “Tribune” began publishing and in 1955 Dr Jonas Salk successfully tested the Polio vaccine. Not a big day for holidays, but it is National Farm Animals Day and National Cinnamon Crescent Day.

I am sad to report that the lovely Elaine is still in the hospital.  I have hesitated to say anything before now, but she is dealing with a brain tumor and the side effects of chemo.  I mention this so that you understand why I do not have much to talk about lately.  I hope you will take a moment to remember her in your prayers.

I do have an issue to discuss this week.  It involves one of my regular gripes – commercials.  I have been seeing commercials lately for a hair restoration company and a cosmetic surgery facility.  They both have commercials that show what a great job they do.  What I found interesting were the before and after pictures.

With the hair restoration company, all the before shots were taken showing the top of the head, the lighting was harsh and the person had no expression.  The after shots showed the person’s face, not the top of the head, the lighting was softer and, of course, the person was all smiles.

The cosmetic surgery one was more interesting.  The company was pushing the work they did for older people in tightening up their necks.  You know, like the wattle I have talked about before.  The pictures were unflattering, showing the people in bad light and in profile, highlighting their necks.  The after pictures showed them from the front, the women all had makeup on, several with different hairdos, tans and jewelry.

I understand that the after pictures are to show what great work they did.  It just seems to me that if you want to show how good your work is, the before and after pictures should be as close to the same as possible.  That way we get a better perspective on what was done.

I sometimes wonder if maybe I am too picky about stuff like that.  Maybe I analyze these things too much.  That might be why I am a balding man with a wattle and not doing commercials for these people.  Or maybe I am just happy with the way I am.  I figure if everybody else is trying so hard to look different, I will stand out more by staying the way I am.

Our fact this week tells us that you cannot snore and dream at the same time.  How do they know this?  They claim that you can’t sneeze with your eyes open, but I can.  They say that no two snowflakes are the same, but how do they know that? How could they possibly have examined enough flakes to reach that conclusion?  I think they (whoever the people are that come up with this stuff) say these things and expect us to believe it simply because they said it.  Frankly, I do not see why it matters if I don’t dream when I am snoring.  And I could not care less about how snowflakes look as long as I do not have to shovel them.

I will close this out now.  I need to get to bed because I have to get up early so I can go find cinnamon crescents for breakfast.

Today is Sunday, April 3 and there are only 26 days until Arbor Day, so in the words of Lady Bird Johnson, a former First Lady, beautify America. Plant a tree, a shrub or a bush.  Today we remember the birthdays of John Hanson, William “Boss” Tweed and Marlon Brando.  On this day in 1790 the Revenue Marine Service (US Coast Guard) was created, in 1848 Thomas Douglas became the first San Francisco public teacher and in 1958 Fidel Castro’s rebels attacked Havana.  Today there are no big holidays, but it is National Chocolate Mousse Day.

As promised, I did some research on the horizontal buttonhole issue and here is what I found.  One source claims that it is a vestige of when dress shirts were affixed to trousers.  It prevented the shirt from riding up and kept a tidy appearance throughout the day.

Another source claims that it is a practical feature.  The holes are sewn horizontally so that the buttons can endure more stress from movement than the others without stretching out the shirt or the hole.

The other question was why the thread is a different color.  Here is what I have gleaned from my research.  Traditionally, when shirts were still made by humans, the bottom buttonhole was reinforced with a thicker thread, which was done on a second sewing machine, or as a last step when finishing the shirt, hence the different color.  These days the different color is a nod to tradition.  That should tell you all you need to know about something you probably never noticed until I brought it up.

I am sorry to report that the lovely Elaine is still in the hospital, so I have not been out and about finding things to discuss.  I had one or two ideas, but as I sat down to write they disappeared from my head.  I suppose I should write these things down, but if I did I would probably forget where I put the paper, or I would make cryptic notes and then not remember what I was talking about.  I am going to pause for a bit, in the hope that I will remember what the items were.  I’ll be back.

Okay, l’m back.  Unfortunately, I could not recall the items I wanted to discuss.  I did; however, come up with a couple of things to replace them.  In an effort to let my mind roam in the hopes of recalling what I wanted, I decided to watch a little TV.  I put on a channel that wouldn’t require me to pay too much attention and would give me the opportunity to get those items back.  Instead it provided me with different material.

What I saw were two commercials that require comment.  One was for a pizza chain.  After watching the commercial I can only wonder what they were thinking.  The commercial shows two floating heads marveling at the new product the company was selling.  I did not really understand the concept of the floating heads, nor did I get why one of the guys had a hairdo like Moe from the Three Stooges.  Maybe I missed the idea behind the commercial because I wasn’t really paying attention, but I don’t think so.  If anyone sees it and gets it, please feel free to explain it to me.

The other commercial was for on-line gambling here in NJ.  One casino has a deal that if a person hits a jackpot, anyone else playing at the same time will get a piece of the action.  I am sure the purpose is to get more people to gamble on-line for longer periods of time.  If that works, then good for the casino.  Where I have issue is that the people are all gambling on their computers at work!  Maybe I’m old fashioned, but if they are at work shouldn’t they be working?  Do companies really allow people to use their computers for personal stuff like gambling?  I can only imagine how much Christmas shopping I could have taken care of if I could have done personal stuff on the computer when I worked.  Sorry, just a little digression there.

Anyway, sorry I lost those other issues.  I’m sure they will pop back into my head right after I post this.  I have a pad and pen standing by just in case.

This week our fact tells us that the only animal besides a human that can get sunburned is a pig.  So if we do this right, we could have precooked pork loins and bacon.

Don’t forget to have some chocolate mousse in honor of the day.