Today is Sunday, August 24 and for those of you who are counting, school starts (at least in this area) in just 9 days.  For the lovely Elaine, after having a first day of school every year for the past 58 years, in 9 days it will be just another day.  Hooray for retirement!  Today we remember the birthdays of Wilbur Wilberforce, Louis Teicher and Marlee Matlin.  On this day in 79 Mt Vesuvius erupted, burying Pompeii and Herculaneum, in 1869 the waffle iron was invented and in 1991 Gorbachev resigned as head of the USSR Communist Party.  In Liberia it is Flag Day and in Sierra Leone it is President’s Birthday.

Just something I am wondering - how hard is it to find a qualified person who has a birthday today so that he or she can be president of Sierra Leone so that they don’t have to keep changing the day of the holiday?  Or does the new president have to change their birthday to coincide with the holiday?  H-m-m-m-m.

I find myself at somewhat of a loss this week because we did not get out much.  The lovely Elaine has been suffering with a tooth issue that included an infection and a root canal.  As a result she has not been in much of a mood to go out.  She has not been in much of a mood to do pretty much anything, as a matter of fact.  And thank you, I will pass your best wishes on to her.

I did have one opportunity to be out and about the other day. The lovely Elaine had an appointment to go to and I drove her there.  I told her that I would go down the street to the Starbucks and would meet her there.  I went in and got on line to get my coffee.  One thing I noticed is that most Starbucks do not generally serve their stronger coffees any more.  Those strong blends are the reason I always liked going there.  Unfortunately, the coffee weenies have asserted themselves and as a result the blend that is typically served is the Pike Place blend, which is good, but not what I am looking for … but I digress

The Starbucks is in a town that has a rather inflated opinion of itself.  The people who live there and in the town’s “Upper” section seem to think they are, I don’t know, better than most people.  The women all walk around in their tight yoga pants, their fancy sneakers and their pony tails, with their children named Ashley and Trevor and Chastity and Morgan and other affected names.  The men all wear Oxford shirts (even in the summer), jeans and dress shoes.  If I dressed like the men there, I would be sweating so much it would look like I spent the day under a lawn sprinkler.

Anyway, as I said, I was standing in line waiting to place my order.  The people in front of me were ordering things like mocha cookie crumble or caramel ribbon crunch frappucinos.  They ordered iced caramel macchiato, shaken sweet tea, green tea latte and chai tea latte.  Some of these drinks sound more like new Ben and Jerry ice creams.  This is a coffee place!  Drink coffee!  Even if it is the weak stuff they are selling now.  So it was finally my turn to order and as I approached the counter the sales person was standing there poised with cup and marker to check off the flavors and whipped toppings and such that I wanted. 

I looked at him and said, “Medium coffee (I refuse to call it a Grande) and leave room for milk.”  He looked at me and said, “Is that all?”  I said yes and he hesitated for a moment and then said, “Oh, okay.”  He got my coffee, put it on the counter and looked at me as if to say, “You must be from out of town.”  I paid for the coffee, went to the area for sugar and milk and then sat down to wait for the lovely Elaine.  I had my tablet with me and proceeded to read a book I had downloaded.  

As I sat there, I saw three young boys come in.  I assumed that they are with a parent, because none of them appeared to be more than 10 to 12 years old.  It turns out that they were not.  They ordered beverages which included coffee.  I could not hear what they were getting, but could see that coffee was one of the ingredients.  I am not sure that they should have been drinking those beverages.  If I were their parent, I probably would have said, “Tyler, Laredo and Spencer, should you boys be drinking coffee beverages at your age?”  But I am not so I decided not to care.
  
I was sitting at a table in a row of four.  They chose to sit at the table next to mine.  We were the only ones there so I could tell the one boy was talking about me when he said, “Our usual table is taken, so I guess we will have to sit here.”  Obviously they were in the condescending-in-training program. I hope the kids did not think I was going to move so that they could have their usual table.  They should have known better.  Besides if they had looked, they would have seen that I was drinking regular coffee and was obviously from out of town.  Of course, if they had asked me to move, my response would have left little doubt that I was not from around there.  They did not stay that long and I had a pleasant time reading and drinking my plain coffee.  In due time my wife arrived, got herself a beverage and we headed home. 

 Fortunately for all who read my weekly diatribe, if it were not for that one foray, I would have had nothing to write about.  

This week our fact tells us that at some point in their school careers, John McCain, Barack Obama, Joe Biden and Sarah Palin have all performed in a production of the musical Oklahoma.  I did too when I was in high school, so there is still hope for me.  I am sure this will generate a good laugh from the lovely Elaine when she is feeling better.

Hey kids!  Another week has passed and it is Sunday August 17.  There are only 130 days until Christmas so get out the traveling fruit cake and get ready to send it on its annual holiday journey.  Today we honor the birthdays of Davy Crockett, Mae West and Larry Rivers.  On this day in 1807 Robert Fulton’s steamboat Clermont began its first trip up the Hudson River, in 1896 gold was discovered on the Klondike River and in 1960 Francis Gary Powers’ U-2 spy trial opened in Moscow.  In Argentina it is San Martin Day, in Indonesia and Gabon it is Independence Day and in the Yukon it is Klondike Gold Day.

First let me make a comment or two about Davy Crockett.  A number of years ago my family embarked on a grand tour that included the Rockies, Santa Fe and San Antonio, among other places.  I was excited because we were going to see the Alamo.  This was the trip, by the way where I spread chicken pox throughout the mid and south west … but I digress.  We arrived in San Antonio and went to the Alamo.  I was disappointed that there was no lingering evidence of dead Mexicans and Texans.  I had hoped for something that would indicate the great battle that went on there.  We did not even see the skulls of horses like we always saw in cowboy movies.  That was my first disappointment.

The bigger disappointment came when we were in the Alamo and saw a picture of the man himself.  He looked nothing like Fess Parker.  He was, I think, a bit on the ordinary side.   He did not look like someone you would call the King of the Wild Frontier.  A more appropriate title might have been a Guy from the Wild Frontier.  I couldn’t help but think that if this guy was the one they were relying on, it was no wonder things did not work out.  Of course the fact that there were some 1500 Mexican soldiers and barely 200 Texans in the Alamo might have contributed to the debacle.  But I was still disappointed and did not even want to buy a coonskin hat as a result.

Moving along, I wanted to give you a little history about the gold discovery on the Klondike River mentioned earlier.  Sometime prospector George Carmack stumbled across gold while salmon fishing along the Klondike River in the Yukon.  Carmack and two Tagish Indian friends were fishing on Rabbit Creek, a tributary of the Klondike.  At day’s end, they made camp along the creek and Carmack spotted a thumb-sized nugget of gold jutting out from the creek bank.  Further investigation revealed gold deposits “lying thick between the flaky slabs of rock like cheese in a sandwich.”  Carmack got rich, reportedly taking a million dollars worth of gold out of his Klondike claims, which was a considerable amount back in 1896.

Today, the Yukon celebrates their grand history with a week-long event known as Discovery Days.  There are family friendly events, writing competitions, walking tours and an arts festival.  So if you are looking for something to do next August, try Discovery Days.

I recently thought of a couple “what would you do’s” that I thought I would share with you.  One, I asked the lovely Elaine about one time.  We were out in my car driving along the highway and I said to her, “What would you do if you looked over and saw your car go by with a complete stranger driving?”  Her initial reaction was, “Why, did you just see it?”  Once I explained that it was just a hypothetical question, I got - the look.   Then she said we would follow the car while she called the police.  I suppose the plan would be to let them handle the situation.  I, of course would be there to support them, offering up a variety of swearing designed to bring the miscreant to tears, once he was cuffed of course.

Another one I thought of recently, I presented to Elaine and Pat.  My question was, “What would you do if a loved one died while you were away on vacation.  You had the body loaded on the plane to be brought home.  When you arrived and went to claim it, you found out that both the loved one and your luggage were lost.”  They would not even give any credence to that scenario.  They had a number of reasons why it could not or would not happen.  I guess that was because they could not say what they would do.  I suppose that once they read that last statement, I will get two looks.

Our fact this week tells us that armadillos, opossums and sloths spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.  I think you can add teenage boys during the summer to that list.

Welcome back.  Today is Sunday August 10 and there are only 93 days until my birthday.  It’s never too early to begin shopping.  It is the birthday of Camilio Benso di Cavour, Rhonda Fleming and Ronnie Spector.  On this day in 1519 Magellan set sail with a five-ship fleet to circumnavigate the earth, in 1866 the Transatlantic cable was laid and former President Buchanan communicated with Queen Victoria and in 1948 Allen Funt’s “Candid Camera” debuted on ABC.  In Ecuador it is Independence Day, in Italy they are celebrating Palio Del Golfo and it is Admission Day in Missouri.

I open today with some sad news.  My mother-in-law succumbed to heart problems and other issues this past week.  She was a wonderful woman and was always a pleasure to be with.  She was quiet, but knew how to speak up when necessary.  She was not verbose, but could make her point, strongly, when needed.  She had a good sense of humor and even after suffering a stroke several years ago, she still had a sharp wit and appreciated the jokes and humorous banter at our gatherings.

She was a strong, pragmatic woman who took what the world dealt out and handled it.  I always felt that I was lucky to have been accepted as her son-in-law and always said that I did better in the mother-in-law department than the lovely Elaine did.  I loved and respected my mother-in-law and always enjoyed her company.  In her later years, I was glad that I was available to help her and take her to doctor’s appointments.  She was not someone who wanted to be a burden and it was always hard to convince her that she was not. 

She was a person who cared about family and people in need.  The lovely Elaine always talked about how her mother took donations to Boys Town, the Goodwill Rescue Mission and other charities.  The family did not have a lot, but she was always ready to share when needed.  She believed in family and was appreciated by the cousins, nephews and nieces of her family.  She was loved by many and will be missed by all.

At her wake this past week, I was struck by a number of things that were both interesting and amusing.  The funeral home where she was laid out had another wake going at the same time.  The rooms were across from each other and had a sign on the wall over the guest book saying who was in each room.  It became apparent that people do not read those signs.  We had a number of people come into the room, look around, realize they did not recognize anyone and then go out to try the other room.

We had one woman come in with her young child, kneel at the casket, then get up.  It was at this point that she realized they were in the wrong room.  The fact that the person she was viewing looked nothing like the person she was there for did not seem to bother her.  What puzzled her was that she did not recognize anyone in the room.  It was not until she looked out into the hall and saw people she knew that it occurred to her that she had made a mistake.  One woman came in the day of the funeral, knelt at the casket, looked at my mother-in-law, stood up, turned to us and said, “That’s not Diane, is it?”  We told her that it was not and that Diane was in the other room.  She shrugged and went across the hall.

An interesting thing about wakes is the way people act while at one.  They sit in the room and stare at the deceased. Occasionally, they will talk quietly to a family member or a friend and you can tell that they are silently wondering what they should be doing and how long they have to stay.  I think the period of time that you stay is determined by how well you knew the deceased or the family.  From what I have observed, there are three levels of attendees at a wake.  The first level is the people who had a passing knowledge of the deceased or were co-workers or neighbors of the family.  These people come in, pause briefly at the casket, seek out the family members, express their condolences and then leave.  You can almost hear the sigh of relief as they walk out the door.

The second level is friends or neighbors of the deceased or the family.  They come in, kneel at the casket, seek out the family to express condolences and then sit in the chairs provided.  They spend their time trying not to look uncomfortable or bored and hope that someone they know will come in so they have someone to talk to.  They stay longer than the first level, but they are wondering how long is appropriate, because they do not want to spend the whole night.  They also want to be sure they get out before the priest shows up.

The final level is close friends and family of the deceased.  They are the ones who are in it for the duration.  They come and stay and offer comfort.  They share stories and memories and take advantage of being together.  Everyone bemoans the fact that life gets in the way of getting together and that it is a shame that it takes a death to get together.  They all say that they will have to stay in touch so that they don’t wait for another funeral to see each other.  We all know how that works out.

I know I have talked about this before, but I am going to repeat it.  I have told the lovely Elaine that I do not want a traditional wake.  I want to be in a small room.  I do not want people sitting there looking at me.  I know that people need to come see the deceased, if only to assure themselves that he or she is dead.  That is fine, but do not hang around.  I want a funeral home that is near a bar so that there can be a party.  I have told her that I want to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.  I have asked that my mouth be formed into a smirk.  It is what people would expect of me.  Besides, most people look as if they are suffering from gas and I do not want that.  So, when you hear about my wake, don’t be afraid to come.  It is not my intent to be typical.

This week our fact tells us that an office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.  That may be, but I would still rather have lunch in my office instead of the men’s room.

It is now August 3, the beginning of the really hot, humid days of summer.  There are only 117 days until Black Friday, so get your tents, sleeping bags and MRE’s ready.  Today we remember the birthdays of Rupert Brooke, Hayden Carruth and Beverly Lee.  On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Palos , Spain for the Indies, in 1882 Congress passed the first law restricting immigration and in 1971 Paul McCartney announced the formation of his group Wings.  It is Arbor Day in New Zealand, Italy celebrates the Joust of the Quintana and it is American Family Day in Arizona and Michigan.

In the past, I have discussed certain phrases that do not make a whole lot of sense to me.  One such example was when I talked about the phrase “as cute as a button.”  Do we really think that it pleases a mother to be told her child is as cute as a round piece of plastic with four holes in it?  I know I would be less than thrilled to hear that.  This past week or so I have heard several phrases that made me wonder about their origin, so I did some investigating.

One phrase was “I would bet dollars to donuts …”  I wondered what person would take a bet like that.  “I will bet you my dozen Boston Cream donuts against your $500 that our governor will continue to disappoint us regarding pensions.”  Without getting too political, you can be sure that I would be $500 dollars richer.  But why would the other person put up cash against a dozen donuts?  Where did this phrase come from?  

The phrase appears to have originated in mid 19th century USA. The earliest citation for it is in the newspaper The Daily Nevada State Journal, February 1876:

“Whenever you hear any resident of a community attempting to decry the local paper... it's        dollars to doughnuts that such a person is either mad at the editor or is owing the office for subscription or advertising.”

It crops up in print again in a similar citation in a March edition of the Nevada State Journal, which suggests that the (unnamed) author of those pieces created the term himself.  I imagine that it made sense to the writer and the editor or it would not have been printed; however, it does not make a whole lot of sense to me or others I have discussed it with (specifically the lovely Elaine and my brother Jack in the midst of a Margarita night).

I saw a piece recently showing a woman sitting in a basket and she was saying, “Hey where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?”  This brought to minds a couple questions, 1- what exactly is a hand basket and 2-what does the phrase “going to hell in a hand basket actually mean?  A hand basket is, as the name would indicate, a basket that can be carried by hand (my thanks to Captain Obvious).

It isn't at all obvious why 'hand basket' was chosen as the preferred vehicle to convey people to hell. One theory on the origin of the phrase is that derives from the use of hand baskets in the guillotining method of capital punishment. If Hollywood films are to be believed, the decapitated heads were caught in baskets - the casualty presumably going straight to hell, without passing Go.

'Going to hell in a hand basket' seems to be just a colorful version of 'going to hell'. 'In a hand basket' is an alliterative intensifier which gives the expression a catchy ring.  There doesn't appear to be any particular significance to 'hand basket' apart from the alliteration - any other conveyance beginning with 'H' would have done just as well, for example hover craft or harpsichord.

I have often heard the phrase “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” and wondered what that was all about.  Having seen the nephews and nieces of a couple of the people who have said that I am inclined not to disagree, but, in general, I was curious about this one, too.  The phrase is generally used to express complete surprise, amazement or disbelief.  It was originally a sarcastic remark made by non-believers of evolution.  The notion "that people were descended from apes was considered blasphemous...by Darwin's contemporaries", and it was for this reason that the sarcastic phrase came into use.  It’s use in America dates from after 1925, the date of the widely publicized Scopes Trial.

 Another phrase I have often wondered about is “sober as a judge.” It means not at all intoxicated, quite clear-headed, as in “even after three drinks he was sober as a judge.”  Why judges should be equated with sobriety is not known.  In fact having read some of the decisions made by judges, I question their sobriety.  Again I do not want to get political, but let me once again refer you to the pension issue.  That’s all I am going to say about that.  

One reference I saw regarding this phrase referred to the All You Can Drink Olympics where everyone was completely drunk, except for the judges who had to be sober enough to pick a drunken winner.  Overall, I am not sure that I necessarily want to be as sober as some of the judges I have read about, nor do I feel that judges should be held in such high esteem for their alleged sobriety.  I think the phrase should be “Sober enough to remain standing without assistance” and leave it at that.

So now I have given you more information about these inane phrases then I am sure you really wanted.  Unfortunately, when you are retired and have nothing else to do, you spend time pondering some very strange things.  Oh well, such is life in my 60’s.

This week our fact tells us that an adult grizzly bear can run at the same speed as a horse.  If you are going walking in the woods, you had better be able to also.