It is Sunday, March 30.  There are only 226 days until my birthday.  I am not expecting gifts from everybody, but I thought I would give you plenty of time to shop just in case.  Today we remember the birthdays of Maimonides, Vincent van Gogh and Secreteriat.  On this day in 988, Boudouin IV with the Beard became the Earl of Flanders, in 1867 the US purchased Alaska from Russia for $7,200,000 (2 cents an acre) and in 1987 Vincent van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” sold for a record $39.7 million.  It is Seward Day in Alaska and Transfer Day in the US Virgin Island.

I have been getting a lot of calls recently from people who should not be calling me because I am on the Do Not Disturb list.  I got wise to one of the latest scams when the person called the other night and said that they were calling because I had answered a questionnaire regarding taking college courses.  I said I had not filled out any questionnaire and hung up.  The next afternoon I got a call from the same group, using the same come-on.  I decided to have some fun with them.  I asked why he was calling since I was on that list where I was not supposed to be bothered by cold calls.  He said they are allowed to call if people have filled out their questionnaire.  I asked him where this thing was that I filled out and he said it was an on-line site that I visited.

I let him go for a couple minutes (being retired I have some flexibility with my time) and then I interrupted him by asking where these classes were held.  I explained that I could not drive too far and it would have to be during the day, because I could not drive at night.  He explained that the classes were taken on-line and all I had to do was pay the tuition and everything would be set up for me.  I asked what the tuition was and he said it would depend on how many classes I wanted to take.  He explained that I could just give him a credit card number and they would take care of everything.  I asked if the tuition included the purchase of a computer and access to the internet.  There was silence from the phone.

“You see, I am 76 years old and do not have a computer.  Come to think of it, you said that I filled out the questionnaire on-line.  How did I do that without a computer?  This is starting to sound like one of those scams I keep hearing about.  Is my credit card going to end up being used by people in Albania or something like that?  I hear about this type of foolishness on the radio all the time.  What did you say the name of your company is again?  I think I’m going to have to report you guys for … “  Click.  He hung up.

As I said we are starting to get those calls more frequently lately.  I think I am going to have to start playing games with them.  I once had a company call me several times a week trying to sell me chimney cleaning services.  I finally told them that I did not have a chimney.  I told them I had it removed because I did not like the way it looked on the side of the house.  We get calls about saving money by changing our gas provider and our electricity provider.  I have decided that I am going to tell the gas providers that I am going to provide my own natural gas by eating more Mexican food.  As far as the electricity thing goes I may tell them that I am going to store up the static electricity that I generate walking around the house in the winter shuffling my feet.  For others I will just have to wait and see what pops into my head at the time they call.  The key is to start getting the company names so that they can be reported for calling.  One point I like to make is that if I need to buy something, I am not going to do it based on a phone call from someone who cannot even read my name properly.

These companies need to train their people better before they let them loose on the phone.  When I answer the phone, there is always a lag while they look at their computer for the note that says if a man answers, his name is William.  Usually, during that lag, I hang up.  If it is someone I want to talk to they usually call back and I explain that I hit a wrong button on the phone.  I do that a lot with my cell phone.  Well, not a lot, because I don’t get that many calls on my cell.  But I do have the problem with pushing the wrong button because they are all small and in the same area of the phone.  I even have trouble hitting the right buttons on my keyboard because my fingers don’t always hit where I am aiming … but I digress

If you are seriously trying to sell something to someone, your callers need to be more prepared.  You can’t have a 10-second lag while they figure out who they are talking to.  Even worse, if you are not sure how to pronounce a last name, don’t even try it.  Just call me William rather than Mr Edendin or some of the other futile attempts I have heard.  Based on what I hear, some of these people are in dire need of more training.  I have done sales training and managed call centers.  I would be happy to help train your people.  Just keep in mind that I do not go out of the country.  If you want my assistance, call me.

This week our fact tells us that a hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.  I have had a number of candidates who would fit that bill during trips I have made to zoos with my son and grandsons over the years.  A few times I am sure that there would have been several people who would have helped put the kid in the hippo’s mouth and then stayed to make sure he did not get out.

Well, that’s it for this week.  Let’s all go out and have a folly in honor of Seward Day.