It is Sunday, February 24 and there are just 304 days until Christmas, for anyone keeping track.  Happy Birthday to Giovanni Pico della Mirandola, Winslow Homer and Oscar de la Hoya.  On this day in 1582, Pope Gregory XIII announced the New Style (Gregorian) calendar, in 1857 the first perforated US postage stamp was delivered to the US government and in 1965 the Beatles began filming “Help” in the Bahamas.   It is National Day in Estonia, Vincennes Day in Indiana, commemorating George Clark’s defeat of the British in 1779 and Brotherhood Day, world-wide.

What is it with people lately?  Is it really that impossible for them to pay attention to anything for more than 15 seconds?  The other day I was out running some errands and the car ahead of me was flying along as if he was rushing to get the antidote for the poison he had just accidentally ingested.  We came to a red light and he almost went through it.  We sat there for about 20 seconds and the light turned green – and he just sat there!  He sat there!!  I had to beep the horn to get him to move and then he took off again.

When you stop at a traffic light, there is only one reason – it is red.  You are waiting for it to turn green so you can go.  Why is it that people never seem to notice that the light has changed?  That is what they are sitting there for.  People, put the phone down and pay attention.  It is against the law to use a hand-held phone when driving.  I know, technically, if you are stopped at a light you are not driving, but you know what I mean.  If all the police decided to enforce that law alone, we could solve a lot of the financial problems towns are having.

I do not want to sound like a grouchy old curmudgeon (that phrase is from the Department of Redundancy Dept.), but I think the time has come for us to ease up on improving phones.  People spend so much time on the phone texting, tweeting, etc. that they pretty much ignore the world around them.  The lovely Elaine says that chiropractors and the people who treat carpal tunnel  are the ones who are going to be making money in the near future.  With all the hunching and typing, those are two areas that will be very busy.

But really, can you explain something to me?  All the big stores want us to buy 62 inch flat screen TV’s so that we can get the most out of our viewing experience.  Why, then, do we want to spend money so that we can watch TV on a telephone screen that is only 3 inches by 2 inches?  Let’s face it.  I am not working and have had plenty of time to watch TV.  There is nothing on that I am so desperate to watch that I would try to view it on my phone.  Here is a thought – read a book or have a conversation with one of the people you are sitting with.

We were in a restaurant, recently, and there were four people sitting at a table together.  Not once in the 20 minutes that I had to observe them did they look up from their phones and engage their table mates in any way.  It was difficult for the waitress to get their attention so she could take their order.  I believe that you could have replaced two of them with mannequins and the other two would not have noticed until it came time to split the bill.  

Why would you want to squint at your little screen to watch a show that you could DVR or watch on demand on your massive flat screen TV at home?  I think Elaine should add ophthalmologists to her list of money makers.  Don’t get me wrong.  I think the new smart phones are amazing.  They allow you to do a great many things.  You can take pictures and send them to friends, you can play games while waiting in a doctor’s office. And so on.  They even have an app that gives you the most current gas prices in your area.  That is useful.  Being able to watch the most recent episode of Chopped or the Bachlorette – not so much.

Hang on a minute.  I have to go back and see what I was originally talking about.  Right, not paying attention.  So the guy had to be reminded that he was waiting for the light to turn green.  You see this all the time.  People are doing something and for whatever reason, they are stopped.  They immediately go to their phone and then when it is time to start up their original task again, they miss the chance.  All I am asking is that you pay attention to what you are in the middle of, finish it and then text whoever to tell them about it.  Unless you are having a heart attack and are texting for help, it cannot be so important that you forget to drive.

Anyway, in the words of John Donne – “No man is an island”.  Reach out to a neighbor or friend and wish them a Happy Brotherhood Day!

Happy Sunday, February 17!  There are only 46 days left until Easter, so get your Peeps out and open them so they have a chance to harden by then.  Happy Birthday greetings go out to William Cadbury (yes, the chocolate guy), Hal Holbrook and Sung-Hee Park.  Today, in 1621, Miles Standish was appointed the first commander of the Plymouth colony; in 1867 the first ship passed through the Suez Canal and in 1933 Blondie Boopadoop married Dagwood Bumstead and Dagwood’s father promptly disinherited him.  It is Maha Shivratri in Sri Lanka and tomorrow is President’s Day here in the good old USA.

Before I go into anything else I would like to clarify the Blondie/Dagwood item mentioned earlier.  Dagwood was originally heir to the lucrative Bumstead Locomotive fortune.  He was disinherited for marrying Blondie Boopadoop, a flapper, because the family considered her below his class.  I know, I am appalled, too.  She seems like such a nice person, but they may know things that we do not.  Without knowing all the facts, I will not judge.  But I digress …

Tomorrow is President’s Day.  This is a combined holiday.  You know, one of those made-up ones put together so that we can have a 3-day weekend.  You may have noticed that over the past few years, many companies have done away with taking that day off.  I think this was done more for the government, by the government since they seem to be the only ones to actually take the day off, anymore.  

It is interesting to note that the day is a combination of Lincoln’s birthday, February 12, and Washington’s birthday, February 22.  Even more interesting is the fact that the town I live in is closing their offices tomorrow, but were also closed for Lincoln’s birthday.  Hmmm …

What I think is even more interesting is the fact that many people, now-a-days, would not be able to tell you why we would celebrate these two men.  I would be willing to bet that some might not even realize that they are on our money or on Mt. Rushmore.  Which brings me to another point.  Could we stop having commercials where the faces on Mt. Rushmore tell us to buy cars, insurance, jewelry, etc., etc?  

Every year around this time, we have talking Mt. Rushmore heads, very bad costumed representations of these two men and all sorts of foolishness with them helping companies sell their wares.  I do not know about you, but I would appreciate some creativity.  I do not need a George Washington look-alike telling me that I should buy the hemorrhoid treatment he is selling because “it works.  I would not lie.”   Be creative!  Do something that can be used for more than just a week or so.  Come up with commercials that are informative or amusing.  Sell the product to me.  Do not try to get me to buy it because George Washington said to.  Here is a man who had wooden teeth, a bad hairdo and a less than attractive wife.  Why should I believe him?  

Here is an interesting little tidbit.  Did you know that when Mt. Rushmore was being carved, many people thought that Thomas Jefferson was Martha Washington?  That does not say much for either one of them.

On a sadder, more serious note, we lost our dear friend Ted this past week.  I first met Ted as a result of his wife, Pat, and my wife being friends from work.  I was reluctant, but it turned out well.  Ted liked to cook, liked Lebanon Baloney, drinking margaritas and playing Yahtzee.  What’s not to like!  

He had a number of medical problems, but was always able to overcome them.  I was always impressed with how he could come back from the serious things that he suffered through and then go on with his life.  He just moved on to the next phase in his life and never looked back.  

We had lost contact with Pat and Ted for some years, but when we got back together it was like we had just seen them last week.  Ted had a great sense of humor and loved life.  He loved his wife, his kids, his grandchildren and, yes, even his sainted mother-in-law (although he would never admit it publicly).  I am sorry more of you did not get to meet him.  You would have liked him.

I loved Ted.  I learned a number of things from him.  I learned that no matter what happened, you kept on going and living life.  I learned that you did not let anything get you down.  Regardless of the problems that hit you, you continued to enjoy the life you had.  And, I learned how to play My Cows.  He was the epitome of positive thinking.  No matter what happened to him, he was able to fight it and come back.  Unfortunately, he lost this last battle.  He will be missed.

When I was in college, I took a course in public speaking.  One of our assignments was to give a reading.  One of the women in the class read a poem.  I do not remember her name, the name of the poem or the poet, but four lines have always stayed with me:

He is not dead.

He is not dead!

He is just sleeping.

Sleeping in the arms of Jesus.

Sleep well, Ted.  Sleep well.

Today is Sunday, February 10.  According to last week’s groundhog prediction, there are only five more weeks left to winter.  After the storm the past two days, that’s five weeks too many. Today is the birthday of WH “Gobo” Ashley, Boris Pasternak and Laura Dern.  On this day in 1535, 12 nude Anabaptists ran through Amsterdam streets.  In 1863, PT Barnum staged the wedding of Tom Thumb and Mercy Lavinia Warren in New York City and John Lennon’s “Live in NYC” album was released in 1986.  It is Boy Scouts Day world-wide and Chinese New Year (4711) – The Year of the Snake.

This coming Thursday is Valentine’s Day.  According to my research, none of the various St. Valentines who existed throughout history, had anything to do with love or candy or jewelry.  One Valentine in particular was a martyred Roman priest who was arrested for aiding Christians.  The emperor Claudius took a liking to him until Valentine tried to convert him.  Valentine was sentenced to be stoned, beaten with clubs and ultimately beheaded.  Not the kind of tradition we want started for Valentine’s Day.

Think about it, though.  One day a year you profess your love for someone by stoning them and beating them with clubs.  The cards would be interesting, too.  “Darling.  On this special day I just want you to know that I love you so much I want to cut off your head.”  Or, “I can’t say I love you using e-mails or phones, so let’s get together and I can show you with stones.”  It would also give new meaning to “getting stoned” with your loved one or going clubbing to celebrate the day.

I have always liked the holiday.  One of the nice things is that it is the one day each year when it is okay to walk around with a heart on (think about it).  Of course, as with everything else, we have managed to go overboard with the whole idea of the day.  I heard a commercial recently that told guys they should skip buying candy and get their lady something that will last – a new car!  Are you kidding?  If you are the woman receiving the car, what does that tell you about his expectations?  He is going to be expecting a lot more than a big kiss and a thank you.  What happens if you break up in a couple months - does he get the car back?

There is also a big push at this time of year from jewelry stores.  They want you to buy bracelets, diamond rings, pins shaped like hearts, etc.  One store uses the tag line, “Every kiss begins with Kay.”  That was why I always liked to buy jewelry at Fortunoff’s (think about this one, too).  Don’t get me wrong, I think buying jewelry is a great gift idea, if the person you are getting it for likes that type of gift.  I just think that candy and flowers are easier to pick out, don’t require as much commitment on your part and you are not out as much money if she does not like what you bought.

The other thing that bothers me about this holiday is that we are inundated with commercials about buying gifts for women.  Women get jewelry, flowers, candy, etc. and guys get a shirt, maybe.  Why is this such a one-sided day?  Why aren’t we seeing commercials about jewelry for men?  Why can’t women buy a car for that special guy?  It is almost as if we are encouraging the guy to actually show he cares and to express his feelings at least one day a year … 

Oh, I get it.  This is one of those “you never tell me you love me” things, isn’t it?  So, guys, learn from this.  It would be cheaper to tell her you love her occasionally and then buy her candy on Valentine’s Day.  Besides, maybe she will share her "candy" with you.

Well, here it is February 3 already.  Yesterday was my father’s birthday.  I’ll have to check and see if he saw his shadow.  Today is the birthday of Alvar Aalto, Blythe Danner and Morgan Fairchild.  The first paper money in America was issued in the colony of Massachusetts on this day in 1690.  On this day in 1882, PT Barnum bought his world famous elephant, Jumbo.  In 1973 President Nixon signed the Endangered Species Act into law.  Today is the start of the Bean Throwing Festival in Japan, it is Patron’s Day in Paraguay and in Switzerland, Homstrom celebrates the end of winter.

I am sorry that you all could not be with me the other day.  You would have enjoyed the show.  I went to a store to make a purchase and I was using a card that had my wife’s name on it so that I could take advantage of a coupon.  I handed the girl the card, she looked at it and said, “Are you Elaine?”  She smiled when she said it, an obvious attempt at humor and small talk.

I responded, straight-faced, “Yes I am.  My mother was hoping for a girl.  But I usually go by my middle name.”

Taken aback, she asked, “What is that?”

I said, again seriously, “Betty.”

I got the impression from the look on her face that she actually sort of believed me, but she wasn’t completely sure.  But that was it.  No more small talk.  Just a quick processing of the transaction and a very puzzled look.  I am sure she will be shaking her head about that all day.  It was all I could do to get out of the store without cracking up.  

I like to do that kind of thing to people.  It makes day-to-day life much more interesting.  One time, during an election period, our phone rang.  I answered and a perky young lady said, “Hi!  I’m calling for Senator whoever it was.”  I said, “I’m sorry, he isn’t here” and hung up.  Another time, I answered our door to find members of a religious group on my porch.  They wanted to give me their magazine and brochure.  As they talked, I looked just slightly over their heads.  When they asked if I would be interested in their material I asked if it came in Braille.  They mumbled about being sorry to have bothered me and left.

I had to return an item to a store.  When I got to the counter, the person there asked why I was returning it.  I responded, “Because my wife told me to.”  That ended that conversation and the transaction went very quickly.  I find that there are two effects to that kind of answer.  One is that they don’t ask any more questions and two is that they get done very quickly.  In addition, it makes it more fun for me.

I feel that you should try to have as much fun as you can in life.  You only get one shot at it, so you might as well enjoy it.  I take things seriously if and when I have to, but prefer not to.  My son once asked me, “Why do they call this a sedan (not the real question, only used for illustrative purposes)?”  My response was, “Because umbrella was already being used.”  

As I have said in the past, I look at things a little differently than other people.  As an example – recently I was getting ready to take a shower.  As I walked, undressed, from the bedroom to the bathroom, the lovely Elaine chastised me for not pulling the shade down in the hallway.  I pointed out to her that if, unlikely as it may seem, someone was actually outside watching the window, hoping to see me walk by, they deserved the reward for their patience and perseverance.  Besides, I look at it as a public service.  Once they see me, they will be so traumatized that it will be months or years before they take a chance on looking in someone’s window again.

Well, that is all for this week.  Thank you for reading.  Be sure to share this link with your friends.  It isn’t nice to be selfish.  Talk to you next week.

Betty