It is Sunday, April 19 and there are only 250 days until Christmas, so you can eat the Christmas Peeps from last year, now. Let’s take just a moment to remember the birthdays of Roger Sherman, Siegfried Ochs and Paloma Picasso.  On this day in 1587 Sir Frances Drake sailed into Cadiz, Spain and sank the Spanish fleet, in 1852 the California Historical Society was formed and in 1994 the Supreme Court outlawed excluding people from juries because of gender.  In England it is Primrose Day, in Venezuela it is Declaration of Independence Day and in the US it is John Parker Day.

I have heard a number of people talking, lately, about destination weddings.  Some think it is a great idea and others think it is terrible.  I am not sure how I feel.  On one hand it would be nice to be invited to a wedding that is being held in Cabo San Lucas, or Cabo as those of us in the know call it.  There are great beaches, scuba diving locations and the sea arch El Arco de Cabo San Lucas (that’s the best they could come up with?).  There is great fishing and golfing and plenty of adventure and cruise tours.  How cool is that?  A wedding in Cabo!

Wait a minute.  Wait – a – minute!  How am I supposed to get there?  Who is paying for the trip and the hotel?  And the happy couple is going to expect a gift.  I am sure that they will not be satisfied with my saying that my being there was my gift.  We have beaches here in New Jersey.  Why do they have to go all the way to Mexico?  I am sure that a lot more people would be able to attend if they had the wedding in Wildwood.  Then everyone could jump into their cars and drive to the Lobster House in Cape May for the reception.

In thinking about this, I have come up with a new idea – destination funerals!  I mentioned last week that some funerals in Taiwan have strippers.  Imagine the thrill of going to Taiwan for the funeral of a close friend or loved one and being entertained by a stripper.  Now we are talking different.  I have always said I wanted a New Orleans-style jazz band at my funeral.  How great would it be to have the funeral in New Orleans.  Everyone could come down, see the city, enjoy the music, food and beignets and then participate in the funeral march.  That would be very cool.

I imagine that an enterprising travel agent could put together some great packages for this idea.  Think about it.  Disney World has all kinds of special packages that you can set up – family reunions, weddings, bachelor and bachelorette parties and so on.  Why not a Destination Disney funeral package?  Special black shuttle buses would pick you up at the airport and transport you to the hotel selected by the deceased.  There would be a pool side wake held that evening with cocktails and snacks.  The deceased’s coffin would be at one end of the pool with some lights strung on it to make it festive.  The signature drink could be a vodka martini with two raisins and would be called a Dead Man Drinking.  The next morning, Mickey Mouse would perform a short ceremony and then the coffin would be loaded onto the first car of the monorail and everyone would fill the rest of the cars. 

After one circuit around the park, the monorail would be switched off the main line to a secondary one that would take the funeral to the all-new Disney Cemetery.  There, with a dirge version of “It’s a Small World” playing in the background, the coffin would be taken to the grave site.  Mickey would offer a couple more prayers and then everyone would toss cutouts of Disney characters on the coffin.  As they re-boarded the monorail they would be given Mickey ears with the name of the deceased and the date embroidered on the front.  They would then go to the park and the ears would enable them to get free souvenirs and corn dogs all day.

Or, something could be set up in Wildwood.  The wake could be held on the beach the evening before the funeral.  Cocktails and snacks would be served.  There the signature drink would be the Hurricane (name of the deceased).  The coffin could be set up with Tiki torches around it and there could be a contest to see who could build the best sand tombstone.  That night everyone would wear a black t-shirt that said “I was with (name of the deceased). May he/she RIP” and they would get free cones at Kohrs.  The following day, the coffin and funeral party would take the tram from one end of the boardwalk to the other (watch the tram car please) and then be taken to the cemetery for the interment.  Afterward, everyone could go to the Lobster House in Cape May for the repast.

How about Cabo?  No thanks.  I am sure that it will still be too expensive whether it is a wedding or a funeral.  Realistically, I would imagine that once the idea caught on, you would be able to set something up for just about anywhere.  It would all depend on where the dead person wanted to spend eternity.  I still like the New Orleans idea, but I will settle for New Jersey so that there is a better chance that my family will stop by occasionally.

This week our fact tells us that in the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of five times around the equator.  That would probably explain why I am so tired all the time.  Here is what I have come up with.  Assuming I live to be 90, that would mean that every 18 years is one time around the equator, so at 65 I have gone around approximately 3.6 times.  So why am I not losing weight?

Have a happy John Parker Day!