It is Sunday, April 26 and there are only 56 days until the official first day of summer.  I wonder if we will actually have a spring first (it actually snowed three days ago)?  Today we remember the birthdays of Giovanni P. Lomazzo, Frederick Law Olmstead and Carol Burnett.  On this day in 1514 Copernicus made his first observations of Saturn, in 1721 the smallpox vaccination was first administered and in 1925 the Pulitzer Prize was awarded to Edna Ferber for “So Big”.  It is Union Day in Tanzania, Confederate Memorial Day in Georgia and Cape Henry Day in Virginia.

I recently went out and bought a new car.  This was not a whim.  I have been thinking and talking about it for some time.  The car I was driving was getting to a point where it was going to start costing me money so I decided it was time to get rid of it.  In thinking about it, I realized that this was the first new car I was purchasing since 1989.  My last three cars were all used cars (I know everyone calls them pre-owned, but let’s call it what it is – used).  They were all the same model and I was quite happy with them.  I went to a different make and model this time because the company that made the old cars decided to drastically change the appearance.

One of the things I liked about my previous cars was the distinct look of the car.  The new version is what our friend John refers to as the inverted bath tub look.  If you take almost all of the new SUV’s out now and put them next to each other, you would have a hard time distinguishing one from the other without looking at the logo.  The car I purchased still has the type of look I wanted.  It is a good thing I bought it now.  They are coming out with a design change and next year’s model will look like all the others.

Things have changed a lot since I was younger.  When it came time to buy a car, you went to a dealership and sat down with one of the salesmen.  You told him the type of car you were interested in and he would try to convince you that you were better off in the model that was the next step up.  Once you agreed on the car, you began to build it.  You selected the type of transmission, what size engine, how many doors, what color exterior, what color interior, did you want air conditioning, and on it went.  This part was fun.  You made your selections and you could see your new car in your mind.

Next came the tough part.  Now it was time to haggle on what the car was going to cost.  There are some people who enjoyed this part.  They thought it was exciting going back and forth with the salesman, working to get him to accept the price you were willing to pay.  It never occurred to most people that the salesman already knew what the dealership was willing to sell the car for.  The sticker price was inflated to give them room to play the game with the buyer. 

When they approached the point where it looked like the buyer had reached his limit, the salesman would say, “Let me go talk to my manager,” and he would walk off.  I think the purpose here was to let the buyer sweat for a bit.  The salesman would come back after five or ten minutes and give his “final offer.”  Generally it was good enough that the buyer would accept it.  Everybody was happy.  The dealer sold a car and made a decent profit.  The buyer “really worked” the salesman and got a great deal.  A week or so later, the car you created came in, you went to the dealer, signed a couple documents and drove off in your new car, proudly displaying the sticker in the rear left window for days.

When I went to buy my car, my color choices were limited to what they had in stock.  The interior was limited to one color.  Fortunately the car color and the interior color were what I was looking for.  The car came with all sorts of bells and whistles, so I did not have to concern myself with adding anything.  I went to the dealer, met a salesman, took a test drive and decided that I wanted the car.  I then sat around for the next three-plus hours or so while they processed paperwork and gave me a quote on my trade-in.  I felt like they were in no hurry now that I had decided to make the purchase.  “He is buying the car.  We don’t have to impress him anymore.”

The only time there was an issue was when we had to sit with the finance guy.  He kept trying to sell me protection packages and I kept saying no.  At one point he asked me to justify my decision.  I explained that I did not feel that I needed what he was selling and made it clear that I was becoming annoyed.  He finally got the hint and gave us the forms to sign that he was supposed to be taking care of originally.  Apparently, the car-buying process is not supposed to be exciting anymore.  It is supposed to be drudgery. 

We made an appointment to pick up the car two days later.  We arrived at the appointed time and the salesman took care of taking my old car and getting that paperwork done.  He then puttered around with some small details and finally admitted that the car was not ready yet.  In fact they had not even started on it yet.  He realized that the lovely Elaine and I were not happy.  Keep in mind that there are surveys and on-line questionnaires to be completed after the whole deal is done.  Making the customer unhappy could affect your commission.  He got them moving, allegedly having our car put ahead of two others and we finally drove our new car off the lot 90 minutes after we got there.  Now I know why I don’t but new cars too often. 

This week our fact tells us that in the 17^th century, a Boston man was sentenced to two hours in the stocks for obscene behavior.  His crime was kissing his wife in a public place on a Sunday.  Ever since then men have been afraid to express their emotions publicly.

It is Sunday, April 19 and there are only 250 days until Christmas, so you can eat the Christmas Peeps from last year, now. Let’s take just a moment to remember the birthdays of Roger Sherman, Siegfried Ochs and Paloma Picasso.  On this day in 1587 Sir Frances Drake sailed into Cadiz, Spain and sank the Spanish fleet, in 1852 the California Historical Society was formed and in 1994 the Supreme Court outlawed excluding people from juries because of gender.  In England it is Primrose Day, in Venezuela it is Declaration of Independence Day and in the US it is John Parker Day.

I have heard a number of people talking, lately, about destination weddings.  Some think it is a great idea and others think it is terrible.  I am not sure how I feel.  On one hand it would be nice to be invited to a wedding that is being held in Cabo San Lucas, or Cabo as those of us in the know call it.  There are great beaches, scuba diving locations and the sea arch El Arco de Cabo San Lucas (that’s the best they could come up with?).  There is great fishing and golfing and plenty of adventure and cruise tours.  How cool is that?  A wedding in Cabo!

Wait a minute.  Wait – a – minute!  How am I supposed to get there?  Who is paying for the trip and the hotel?  And the happy couple is going to expect a gift.  I am sure that they will not be satisfied with my saying that my being there was my gift.  We have beaches here in New Jersey.  Why do they have to go all the way to Mexico?  I am sure that a lot more people would be able to attend if they had the wedding in Wildwood.  Then everyone could jump into their cars and drive to the Lobster House in Cape May for the reception.

In thinking about this, I have come up with a new idea – destination funerals!  I mentioned last week that some funerals in Taiwan have strippers.  Imagine the thrill of going to Taiwan for the funeral of a close friend or loved one and being entertained by a stripper.  Now we are talking different.  I have always said I wanted a New Orleans-style jazz band at my funeral.  How great would it be to have the funeral in New Orleans.  Everyone could come down, see the city, enjoy the music, food and beignets and then participate in the funeral march.  That would be very cool.

I imagine that an enterprising travel agent could put together some great packages for this idea.  Think about it.  Disney World has all kinds of special packages that you can set up – family reunions, weddings, bachelor and bachelorette parties and so on.  Why not a Destination Disney funeral package?  Special black shuttle buses would pick you up at the airport and transport you to the hotel selected by the deceased.  There would be a pool side wake held that evening with cocktails and snacks.  The deceased’s coffin would be at one end of the pool with some lights strung on it to make it festive.  The signature drink could be a vodka martini with two raisins and would be called a Dead Man Drinking.  The next morning, Mickey Mouse would perform a short ceremony and then the coffin would be loaded onto the first car of the monorail and everyone would fill the rest of the cars. 

After one circuit around the park, the monorail would be switched off the main line to a secondary one that would take the funeral to the all-new Disney Cemetery.  There, with a dirge version of “It’s a Small World” playing in the background, the coffin would be taken to the grave site.  Mickey would offer a couple more prayers and then everyone would toss cutouts of Disney characters on the coffin.  As they re-boarded the monorail they would be given Mickey ears with the name of the deceased and the date embroidered on the front.  They would then go to the park and the ears would enable them to get free souvenirs and corn dogs all day.

Or, something could be set up in Wildwood.  The wake could be held on the beach the evening before the funeral.  Cocktails and snacks would be served.  There the signature drink would be the Hurricane (name of the deceased).  The coffin could be set up with Tiki torches around it and there could be a contest to see who could build the best sand tombstone.  That night everyone would wear a black t-shirt that said “I was with (name of the deceased). May he/she RIP” and they would get free cones at Kohrs.  The following day, the coffin and funeral party would take the tram from one end of the boardwalk to the other (watch the tram car please) and then be taken to the cemetery for the interment.  Afterward, everyone could go to the Lobster House in Cape May for the repast.

How about Cabo?  No thanks.  I am sure that it will still be too expensive whether it is a wedding or a funeral.  Realistically, I would imagine that once the idea caught on, you would be able to set something up for just about anywhere.  It would all depend on where the dead person wanted to spend eternity.  I still like the New Orleans idea, but I will settle for New Jersey so that there is a better chance that my family will stop by occasionally.

This week our fact tells us that in the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of five times around the equator.  That would probably explain why I am so tired all the time.  Here is what I have come up with.  Assuming I live to be 90, that would mean that every 18 years is one time around the equator, so at 65 I have gone around approximately 3.6 times.  So why am I not losing weight?

Have a happy John Parker Day!

It is Sunday, April 12 and there are only 148 days until Labor Day, so keep an eye out for the back to school specials.  Today is the birthday of David Letterman, Alexander Briley and Claire Danes.  On this day in 1654 England, Ireland and Scotland united, in 1877 a catcher’s mask was used for the first time in a baseball game and in 1988 Sonny Bono was elected mayor of Palm Springs, CA.  In North Carolina it is Halifax Independence Day.

Since there is not much going on holiday-wise today, I thought I would give you a brief explanation of the one holiday that is happening.  The Halifax Resolves is the name later given to a resolution adopted by the Fourth Provincial Congress of the Province of North Carolina on April 12, 1776.  The resolution was a forerunner of the United States Declaration of Independence.

In February 1776, the first battle of the War for American Independence in North Carolina occurred at Moore’s Creek Bridge.  There, the North Carolina Whigs defeated the North Carolina Loyalists. This Patriot victory was fresh on the minds of the members of the Fourth Provincial Congress when they reconvened on April 4, 1776, in Halifax, North Carolina. Independence from Britain seemed imminent to all present.  Colonel Robert Howe remarked to the assembly: “Independence seems to be the word; I know of not one dissenting voice.”

On April 12, the committee submitted the Halifax Resolves to the Provincial Congress for its consideration. The Resolves directed North Carolina to declare independence, to join with other colonies in similar endeavors, and to reserve the right of North Carolina to create a Constitution.  The Provincial Congress unanimously adopted the Halifax Resolves, and a copy was sent to the North Carolina delegate to the Continental Congress.  So there you have it.  Your folder of useless information just keeps growing.  You are welcome.

Last week, I spent some time discussing eggs and their significance to Easter.  In thinking about it, I can’t help but wonder how eggs came to be a food item in the first place.  Who looked at a chicken and thought, ‘I am going to eat the next thing that comes out of that bird’s butt.’  Meanwhile, someone else was looking at the bird thinking, ‘Once he eats that I am going to eat the bird itself.’  Fortunately, they must have had more than one of those birds because we still have chickens today.

Those thoughts sent me off on several other musings.  For example milk.  Someone looked at a cow and decided that they would drink whatever came out of those things hanging under it.  Why?  Was there no source of water around?  Picture the event – two Neanderthals are standing around looking at a cow.  One turns to the other and says, “See that animal over there with those things underneath it?  I am going to squeeze them and drink what comes out.”  The other says, “Go ahead.  I may have some, too.  I bet it would be good to have with cookies.”  The first responds, “What are cookies?”  The second says, “I do not know, but I think cookies whenever I think about drinking that liquid.”  I’m kidding about the cookies part, but why would they think what came out of that animal was something they should drink?

Let’s talk seafood for a bit.  Be honest, if you did not know better and you looked at a lobster, a shrimp or a crab, would you think that you were looking at something to eat?  Someone had to take one, cook it, crack it open and think that this was good and they should do it all the time.  Look at one critically sometime and ask yourself if you would consider it a potential source of food or just something that would hurt you if it got hold of you.  How about clams or oysters?  How did someone look at them and think that if they could just get that shell open, there would be some good eating inside?

I wonder that about many of the things we eat.  Someone looked at cattle and thought they would be a good source of meat.  Why cows?  Sure they provide sustenance and the skin can be used to make clothing and car seats, but why cows and not deer or moose or any of the other animals out where the deer and the antelope play.  At one time we had a huge number of buffalo roaming around.  Why did we kill them all off, but saved cows for food and such?  Who looked at a pig and thought ‘BACON!’  Pigs were animals that lived in slop and ate garbage and yet someone thought they would be a good source of meat.  “Yep, I get me one of them animals and I got bacon and some pink meat for Easter.”  Next time you sit down to dinner, ponder the question of how what you are about to eat came to be.

Speaking of eating, the lovely Elaine and I were out at a local diner for dinner the other evening.  I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, deluxe.  I got the deluxe because it came with fries, cole slaw, lettuce and tomato.  I ate everything but one slice of tomato and a couple pieces of lettuce.  I told the lovely Elaine that I was going to tell the waiter that I wanted the leftovers wrapped up.  She wouldn’t let me.  She felt that he was nice and that I shouldn’t mess with him.  Fear not, I will get someone with that and I will let you know how it went.

This week our fact tells us that in Taiwan, a third of all funeral processions feature a stripper (I’m pretty sure they do not mean a guy who cleans old paint off furniture).  And people thought I was crazy because I want a New Orleans-style jazz band for my funeral.  I may have to change my thinking and start auditioning performers.

It is Sunday, April 5.  Happy Easter!  Okay enough of that, now it is time to start getting ready for Memorial Day, the unofficial start of Summer, in 50 days.  Get out the shorts and sun block.  Today we remember the birthdays of Elihu Yale, Giacomo Cassanova and Arthur Hailey.  This is the day (calculated) that, in 2348 BC Noah’s ark grounded on Mount Ararat, it is the day in 1792 that George Washington cast the first presidential veto and the day in 1974 when the then tallest building at 110 stories, the World Trade Center, opened in NYC.  It is the first day of Summer in Iceland, Arbor Day in South Korea and the Death of Chiang Kai-Shek/Tomb Sweeping Day in Taiwan.

I have done some research to try and answer some questions about this holiday that I am sure others beside me have been wondering about for years and here is what I have come up with.  My first question was why is it called Easter?  Easter derives its name from Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring.  A month corresponding to April had been named “Eostremonat” or Eostre’s month, leading to “Easter” becoming applied to the Christian holiday that usually took place within it.

The next question was why is Easter on a different date each year?  Easter is a moveable feast, which means it does not occur on the same date each year.  In Western Christianity it always falls between March 22 and April 25.  The Council of Nicaea (A.D. 325) set the date of Easter as the Sunday following the paschal full moon, which is the moon that falls on or after the vernal equinox.  Why the paschal full moon?  Because that was the date of Passover in the Jewish calendar and the Last Supper (Holy Thursday) occurred on the Passover.

I have also wondered about the significance of eggs for Easter.  In Medieval Europe, eggs were forbidden during Lent.  Eggs laid during that time were often boiled or otherwise preserved.  Eggs were a mainstay of Easter meals and a prized Easter gift for children.  The coloring of eggs is an established art, used to celebrate the season.

So why a rabbit?  Why not a llama or an aardvark?  The inclusion of the rabbit into Easter customs appears to have originated in Germany, where tales were told of an “Easter hare” who laid eggs for children to find.  I was not aware that rabbits laid eggs.  Why would the Germans mislead their children like that?  Since eggs were such a part of the holiday, why not an Easter Chicken?  Anyway, German immigrants to America brought the tradition with them and spread it to a wider public.

When I was a kid, everyone went around singing the song “Easter Parade” which was from the 1948 movie (finally something older than me).  I remember the song and I know the words and I will bet some of you are humming the tune right now, but I have never actually seen an Easter Parade.  I often wondered where the whole thing came from.  Now I know.  After their baptisms at Easter, early Christians wore white robes all through Easter week to indicate their new lives.  Those who had already been baptized wore new clothes to symbolize their sharing of a new life with Christ.  In Medieval Europe, churchgoers would take a walk after Easter Mass, led by a crucifix or the Easter candle.  Today those walks endure as Easter Parades.  All together now – “In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it …”

I hope that I have been able to remove some of the mystery that surrounded Easter things.  I have always had a hard time understanding the thing about how eggs connected to the holiday, but now I know.  I still do not see the whole thing with the rabbit.  The only reason I can see for using a rabbit is so that you can make chocolate rabbits and have ongoing jokes about eating the ears.  I would have thought that you would use something that actually lays eggs, like a chicken or an alligator.  I think it would be cool to have the Easter Alligator.

Think about the fun you could have turning your backyard into a swamp and having the kids slog around in the mud looking for eggs.  You could set up some kind of snapping contraption so that when they grabbed an egg, it could snap and scare the kids.  What fun!  Instead of Peter Rabbit , we would have Gator Scaly Tail.  Here is the new song (to the tune of Peter Cottontail):

Here comes Gator Scaly Tail, crawling down the gator trail, slither, slither, Easter’s on its way.

Bringing every girl and boy buckets full of muddy joy, things to make your Easter bright and gay.

He’s got scaly tails for Tommy, baby gators for sister Sue.  There’s a lily pad for your mommy and a big ole gator hat, too.

Here comes Gator Scaly Tail, crawling down the gator trail, slither, slither, Easter’s on its way.

Imagine the fun kids would have running around with green gator hats on, using their arms like alligator jaws and “chomping” on the body parts of friends and family and yelling Happy Easter.  Think about the fun of eating chocolate Easter Gators.  All the other things could still happen, like egg hunts, but you could dress up like you were going into the swamp looking for them.  The possibilities are endless.  It is too bad that the Germans way back when didn’t have better imaginations.

On a completely different topic, I saw something, recently, that had me shaking my head.  As you know, I am always going on about drivers and how they all seem to be crazy and completely unaware of what is going on around them.  The other morning, I was on my way to the kids’ house to receive a delivery for them.  I was driving on the approach road to the interstate, but the traffic was moving very slowly.  I soon found out why – we were being forced to the right because the left lane was closed due to an accident.  Get ready for it – a woman had driven into the rear end of a marked state trooper car.  How oblivious are you that you drive into a state trooper?  Every time you think you have seen it all, it turns out you haven’t, yet.

This week our fact tells us that in a test performed by Canadian scientists, using various different styles of music, it was determined that chickens lay the most eggs when pop music is played.  I get it, “pop” music.

Happy summer to all our Icelandic friends!