It is Sunday, January 26 and there are only three more days until the lovely Elaine celebrates the 33^rd anniversary of her 30^th birthday.  She loves getting silver jewelry, if you haven’t already shopped.  Today we recognize the birthdays of Pierre Brazza, Jules Feiffer and Ellen DeGeneres.  On this day in 66 there was the fifth recorded perihelion passage of Halley’s Comet, in 1802 Congress passed an act calling for a US Capitol library and in 1995 NJ Governor Christine Whitman dedicated a rest stop to Howard Stern.  It is General Douglas MacArthur Day in Arkansas, Admission day in Michigan and Republic Day in India.

Thank goodness for global warming.  Can you imagine how cold it would be otherwise?  Right now, as I type, the temperature is below 15.  That is cold.  I am sure you have heard all the jokes about how cold it is.  The ones like – it is so cold that when you talk outside, you have to wait for spring to hear what was said.  Or it is so cold that dogs have to go in spurts to keep from being stuck to the trees.  Or, it is so cold out that, in New York City, the flashers are just giving descriptions.  Great weather for football.

Speaking of football, things are really getting interesting as we close in on the Super Bowl.  They had an article in the paper the other day that showed workers shoveling the stadium.  The NFL people were watching so that they would have some idea of how long it takes.  My first question is a two-parter.  Part one is who thought that having the Super Bowl in February in a stadium that is not domed, in New Jersey, was a good idea?  Part two would be is that person still employed by the NFL?

Now let’s add some other things to the mix to show just how much fun that day could turn out to be.  First, the traffic is horrendous in that area on a normal day.  On a regular game day, the crowds of people going to the game start coming in four hours before the game is scheduled to start.  On Super Bowl day, you will have people coming in who have never been there before and have no idea where they are going.  If it snows you will have the terrible road conditions to make it even more exciting.  We could see Silver Alerts looking for people who never made it to the game for days afterward.  Even more interesting is the fact that the NFL has said that if a storm is forecast, they might have to hold the game a couple days earlier or postpone it for a week. 

So, here is one scenario. You and several of your friends have decided that you are going to the game.  Your home team is in it and you want to be there to share in the excitement.  The four of you have somehow scored tickets for the game.  You have made your plane and hotel reservations and they cost a fortune and a half, but who cares, it is the Super Bowl! You are scheduled to land in Newark on Friday evening.  

Everyone is excited!  You have packed your thermal underwear, your mukluks and your parkas, your fleece headgear (guaranteed to keep your face warm down to 10 below) and you are all set.  You rush to the airport, board your flight and are enjoying the trip.  You are going to the Super Bowl!! 

As your plane makes it final approach into Newark, you happen to look out your window and see Met Life Stadium.  It is all lit up and there appears to be something going on.  It turns out that what you are seeing is the game in progress.  Because there is a forecast for a major snowstorm starting Saturday evening and continuing through Sunday, the NFL decided to move the game up a couple days.  

Or, skip the last paragraph and rewind to “You are going to the Super Bowl!”  Here is another scenario.  You land, gather your luggage, your prearranged ride is waiting for you (even though the sign he is holding has your name spelled wrong and you almost miss him) and off you go to the hotel you are staying in.  Saturday, you all make your way into New York City to see the sights, along with the entire populations of several of the smaller states in the area.  Not New Jersey residents, of course.  The ones who didn’t leave for Florida or California, are hunkered down in their homes and will not venture out anywhere near the stadium or NYC.

Because you are there to have fun, you do not pay any attention to the news or the weather.  Sunday morning, you get up to find yourself in the middle of a storm big enough to be given a name.  Storm Sisyphus is expected to dump 12 to 14 inches on the area.  The NFL has decided to postpone the game until the following week.  You have to be at work on Monday morning so you end up going home with nothing but a foam Statue of Liberty hat and a couple t-shirts to show for your trip.

In either one of these cases what can you do?  What do you think the chances are that you will recover any of the money you have spent for your tickets to the game?  What about what it cost for airfare and hotel? Let me put it this way – I have a better chance of getting pregnant than you do of seeing any of that cash.  If you want my advice, stay home and watch the game on TV.  It will certainly be a lot warmer.  You won’t have any problems parking and you won’t have to pay $150 to do so.  The snacks will be much cheaper, they will be done the way you like them and you won’t have to worry about how many people handled them before they got to you.

Moving on, this week our fact tells us that 96% of people put the peanut butter on first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (pbj).  Of course they do!  If they put the jelly on first it would be called a jelly and peanut butter sandwich or a jpb sandwich.  There are some of us who put the peanut butter on one slice of bread, the jelly on the other and then put them together, but I do not know what that would be called.  My wife just calls me nuts.

Today is Sunday, January 19.  There are only 127 days to Memorial Day, so get out there and start buying your shorts and Hawaiian shirts.  Today we recognize the birthdays of James Watt, Edgar Allen Poe and Libera Carlier.  On this day in 973 Pope Benedictus VI was elected, in 1853 Verdi’s opera “Il Trovatore” premiered in Rome and in 1988 “48 Hours” premiered on CBS-TV.  It is Robert E Lee Day in the southern US, Confederate Heroes’ Day in Texas and tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in the US.

Some of you may remember that last week I mentioned going to the mall.  I said that I saw some interesting outfits on people and that I would discuss them some other time.  This is that other time.  As I mentioned, I had the opportunity to sit and watch people walk by.  I really appreciate the sacrifice the lovely Elaine makes when we go to the mall.  She always goes to stores that I have no desire to visit so that I have the chance to people watch.

I am always amazed at the way people dress to go out in public.  There is no way that some of them ever looked in a mirror and thought, “Hey, that looks good.”  If they did then they have deeper issues to deal with than their appearance.  For example, one of the women I saw was dressed in pajama pants that had polar bears on them.  In addition she was wearing fleece lined crocs.  Based on her overall look, it appears that she got up, got out of bed, thought, “Oh, I wanted to go to the mall today,” put on a coat, got in the car and went shopping.  She wore no makeup (not a crime in itself, but it would have helped this particular individual a little) and her hair looked like it had not seen a brush since Wednesday.  Either she had amazingly high self-esteem and didn’t care or very low and she figured why bother.

I saw one couple that was a perfect example of disparity.  The woman was well dressed in a nice pair of slacks, heels and a nice black wool coat open to show what appeared to me to be a silk blouse.  Her hair was done and she was made up well.  Her companion (husband, boyfriend, pet) was wearing a jacket that looked like he had just climbed out of a dumpster.  The jacket was a mess, he wore stained sweat pants and dirty sneakers.  Based on his outer appearance, I was glad he chose not to leave his jacket open.  Maybe he had been selected for a new reality show called “Slob Remakes” and she was taking him shopping for some decent clothes.  Maybe.

Then, of course, there were the women who strode confidently through the place, wanting us to believe they had just come from the gym.  These women wore the short jackets, the tight, mid-calf pants and sneakers.  Of course if you looked at them you realized that they had not been near a gym.  The makeup and hair were too neat to have been subjected to the rigors of a workout.  Did they dress like this so that you would know that they went to a gym regularly or did they really think we would believe they had just come from one?  A couple of the women I saw dressed like that had obviously not been to a gym recently and one looked like she couldn’t even spell gym.

Of course, the guys were not much better.  Let me first say that if you are older than 25, turn your cap around and wear it the right way.  After a certain age you just look silly.  I am not sure I get wearing caps backwards anyway.  Are young people aware that the purpose of the brim is to help shade your eyes?  But I digress …

I have never understood why men want to walk around with their pants falling down all the time.  I find it annoying to have the waist of my pants droop.  I saw one young man walking along with the pants hanging half way down his butt.  The legs of the pants were all bunched up around his feet and he kept tripping on them.  Every few feet, he had to pull the legs up and then adjust the waist so that he could walk.  I watched him for a bit to see if he would fall or get the message and fix his pants.  Personally, I was hoping for a fall.  That would have at least been entertaining.  Neither happened.

I saw a number of males walking around with clothing advertising sports teams, stores, products, etc.  I have always thought this was a little crazy.  Now remember this is just my opinion, but I do not understand why I should spend my money to buy clothing that advertises somebody or something else.  These companies pay huge sums of money to have ads in magazines, on billboards and on the internet.  Why do I have to pay them for the opportunity to advertise them?  They should be paying me for being a walking billboard for them.

One other thing that I found curious was the guys who were walking around, bundled up in hooded, fleece-lined sweatshirts and gloves, but were wearing shorts.  Maybe we should start a foundation for these guys.  We could call it Men Without Pants and we could raise funds to buy these poor, unfortunate people pants that they could wear so they wouldn’t have to walk around in shorts, in the cold.  We could create an MWP line of clothing.  There could be sweatpants with MWP going down the leg.  We could make cute little collection buckets that looked like jeans for people to put donations in.

Or, we could just slap them on the back of the head, Gibbs-style, and say, “Put on some pants you idiot.  It’s cold outside!”

This week our fact tells us that a $230,000 research project proposed by the Department of Health, Education and Welfare to study the various ways children fall off bicycles was called, “Evaluation and Parameterization of Stability and Safety Performance Characteristics of Two and Three Wheeled Vehicular Toys for Riding.”  I guess they would not have gotten as much funding if they called it, “Various Ways Children Fall Off Bicycles.”  Why can’t Johnny read?  We aren’t sure, but we can tell you how he falls off his bike.

It is Sunday, January 12 and there are only 98 days until Easter.  I know, it is not as exciting as Christmas, there is no special music, no gifts, no cookies, etc., but you still want to be ready.  Today marks the birthday of John Winthrop, John Hancock and John Francis.  On this day in 1773 the first US public museum was established in Charleston, SC, in 1912 the temperature hit -47^o F in Washta, Iowa, setting a state record and in 1966 “Batman” with Adam West and Burt Ward premiered on ABC TV.  In Tanzania it is Zanzibar Revolution Day and in Switzerland it is Meitlisunntig Festival.

I have decided that I am just going to throw out some observations today.  They will be random and will not necessarily connect to each other. They are just some things that I want to share.

I got very excited the other day.  The lovely Elaine and I were on our way home from the kids’ house and were traveling on the interstate.  I was in the middle lane doing the speed limit.  I happened to look in my rear view mirror and saw a car coming up behind us at a rapid rate of speed.  My estimate was that he was doing at least 80.  He was changing lanes, without signaling, and was really flying along.  I noted a police car lurking on the island and wondered if he would spot the car.  Apparently he did.  Just after the car went by us, the state trooper came by.  He pulled up next to the car and “lit him up” as they say on all the cop shows.  He pulled him over and I would assume he issued a ticket.  I did not hang around to see because I am sure they do not welcome an audience while ticketing a speeder.  In all my years driving, I think this is actually the first time I have ever seen a car pulled over.  I may have seen it before, but I do not remember.  Of course I may not remember this incident in a month or two.  One of the joys of getting older is that many experiences are new, no matter how many times they have occurred in the past.

Recently, I was out driving and I saw a huge flock of birds all take off at the same time.  I am sure you have seen that before.  Suddenly a large group of birds take flight as if startled.  The reason I mention this is that it made me think about what it would be like if they happened to fly over my car and, because they were startled, all decided to crap at the same time.  I hoped that I had enough washer fluid to clean the windshield so that I could see to get to a car wash.  I wondered if a car wash would even accept the car.  Would they charge me extra?  Would they have to run it through more than once?  When I got home I checked the windshield washer fluid reserve just to be sure I was prepared.

I was just checking my e-mail and it made me think about the benefits of this service.  Prior to having e-mail I had no way to receive jokes and pictures of naked women.  I couldn’t get daily advertisements from any company that I had done business with, even if it was only one time about three years ago.  There are a number of benefits to e-mail.  For example, without e-mail they would not have the evidence they need to hang our governor out to dry.  Reading the news articles regarding the whole GWB thing, I am amazed that these people were so careless about using e-mail as a means of communication on this issue.  Yes, e-mail was set up for quick, easy communication, but when you are planning something like Bridgegate, don’t you think you should be a little more circumspect? 

Anyway, I think e-mail has pretty much been replaced by texting.  The only benefit to e-mail is that you are not restricted to a set number of characters.  Another drawback with texting is that because of the limited characters, you have to use things like LOL and OMG to express yourself and some of us older people have no idea what some of those things mean.  Of course, e-mail does not have all those cute emoticons ;-)  I suppose there are plusses and minuses to both.  The main thing I like about e-mail is that I can use more than one finger to write it.  I also like the fact that I usually do not have to guess about whether or not I sent an e-mail.  If I am not sure, I can look in the Sent folder.  There are times; however, when it is not there and it is not in the trash and I have no idea where it is.  One of these days I will have to ask my son where these things go.  There are probably 20 or 30 e-mails lurking in my system somewhere that should have been sent and never were.

One more quick issue I want to address and then I will let this go for the week.  We went to a mall yesterday and while I was sitting waiting for my wife to come out of a store, I had a chance to observe the people walking by.  I won’t go into outfits being worn by people in this episode.  That will be a topic for another day.  What I want to talk about is men and their hair.  I know my hair is thinning and I wear it short so that my “solar panel” is not as obvious.  I am not trying to hide it, just trying to keep it from being as noticeable.  The men I want to address are the ones who try to hide the fact that they are bald.

Here are a couple tips for you guys.  Tip one – when you buy a hairpiece, spend the money and get a good one.  They are still obvious, but at least they do not look like a hair cap sitting on top of your head.  Tip two – no matter what you do, when your hair is parted ¾ of the way down the back of your head or the part is behind your ear, everyone can figure that you are working a combover.  What makes it more interesting is when you are outside and the wind blows and suddenly you have a 12 inch strand of hair blowing around.  Baldness happens, learn to live with it.

Today’s fact tells us that 93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women.  Either they purchase a fantastic amount of cards or a great deal of birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Days are missed each year by forgetful or unthinking men.  Wake up and smell the Hallmarks guys!

Today is Sunday, January 5 and there are only 40 days until Valentine’s Day, so get your flower and candy orders in now.  Today is also the natal anniversary of Zebulon Montgomery Pike, King Camp Gillette and Jeanne Dixon.  On this day in 1776 the Assembly of New Hampshire adopted its first state constitution, in 1904 the temperature hit -34^o F in River Vale, NJ setting a state record that still stands today and in 1959 “Bozo the Clown” a live children’s show premiered on TV.  In England it is Glastonbury Thorn Day and it will be Handsel Monday tomorrow in Scotland.

As most of you know we had a big snow storm this past Thursday into Friday.  While I did not want to be one of the lemmings who rushes off to the store for milk, bread and toilet paper, I ended up going off to the store for milk.  I had been out earlier, but did not realize what our milk situation was until the lovely Elaine mentioned it.  So off I went to get milk.  The parking lot was a bit of a zoo with everyone driving around looking for a space close to the store.  What makes this amusing is that the store has an underground parking lot that would give everyone shelter from the weather and make it easier to get in and out of the store.  For some reason, they would rather drive around for 10 to 15 minutes looking for a space.  Because I did not care about walking, I parked further away from the store.  When I came out I spotted two or three cars that I had seen when I was going into the store, still trying for a good space.

The place was busy and people were rushing around trying to get what they needed for the month because, hey, there’s a snow storm coming.  I saw carts loaded with bottled water, milk, loaves of bread, toilet paper, meat, vegetables, cookies, snacks, etc.  I felt like a bit of a slacker only carrying milk, so I went and got a box of cereal, since I had run out that morning.  The best part of the trip was a conversation I heard between two people.

“Okay, what do we need,” he asked?

“I don’t know that we really need anything,” she replied.

“Then why did we have to rush out to the store in the first place,” he replied a little more belligerently.

“Because there’s a storm coming,” she said in a tone that indicated that it should have been obvious.

I chose not to wait around for the climax to that episode as I did not want to get involved, in the event that witness statements would be needed.  The other interesting thing was that a number of people had no idea where anything was in the store.  This is a new store that just opened up on November 3^rd.  It has a sister store in the next town that has been around for a long time.  The problem is that the new store is laid out differently from the old store and it is taking some time for some of us to adjust to the new layout.  The lovely Elaine and I tend to look like tourists, always looking up as if admiring a skyscraper or mountain range.  What we are doing is reading the signs that hang over the aisle to tell us what is there.  We are confident that, in time, we will come to know this store as well as we did the other one.

I am not as confident about others.  Some people did not even know there were signs hanging over the aisles until they were pointed out to them.  Others, and I know I have said this before, are completely oblivious and do not even try to figure things out.  On one of my trips recently I heard woman A asking woman B where the cookies were and woman B pointed to them – directly behind woman A, in the row she was in.  I wonder if people like that should be allowed to go out in public without an escort.  They must find these people aimlessly wandering the store each night when they are closing.  I should look to see if there is a pen that they keep them in until someone comes to pick them up.

Friday morning, once I was sure that no more snow was going to fall, I went out to begin the cleanup.  I bought a new snow blower this year, one with six forward speeds and two reverse speeds, and I was anxious to try it out.  The one big plus that helped sell me on this one was that it had an electric start so I did not have to pull start it.  I was going along quite well when I stopped to watch an idiot try to drive up the hill.  The plows had come through several times during Thursday night and done a nice job.  The problem is that once the snow was done, they did not come by again, nor did the salt trucks.  As a result there was a good coating of snow on the street.  Perfect if you wanted to ride a sled or snow board, but not so good to drive on.

So, back to the aforementioned idiot.  He came off the cross street at the bottom of the hill and tried to go up the street.  It was obvious to those of us watching that he was not going to make it.  It was not as apparent to the driver.  He made it about four houses up and then the wheels just started to spin.  He stopped the car, let it roll back a bit and then took another try at it.  The car went nowhere.  He gave it more gas and the car stayed where it was, but the back end swerved to the left a little.  He let it roll back some more and tried again, with the same result.  He tried this same routine several more times, always with the same result.  Ultimately, he had rolled the car back to the bottom of the hill.  He backed around the corner and drove off toward a main road several blocks away.  I went out a couple hours later and did not see him, so I assume he finally made it up a hill.  Or, he went down and went to the grocery store and wandered aimlessly for a while, before being rounded up and sent on his way.  By the way, the new snow blower worked great.

This week our fact tells us that 75% of people will believe any made up statistic.  The question you should be asking - is this a made up statistic and are you part of the 75% or is it a real statistic?  That is a conundrum that should keep you going for a while. 

As always, it was nice chatting with you.  Thanks for stopping by.  Have a lovely Handsel Monday tomorrow.