Today is Sunday, October 20.  There are only 22 days left until my birthday, which means there are only 66 days until Christmas.  Feel free to contact me for suggestions.  Today is the birthday of Andrea Della Robbia, Charles Edward Ives and Tom Petty.  On this day in 1803 the US Senate ratified the Louisianna Purchase, Roald Amundsen set out on the race to the South Pole in 1911 and in 1960 the first fully mechanized post office opened in Providence Rhode Island.  It is Revolution Day in Guatemala, Jomo Kenyatta Day in Kenya and Alaska Day in Alaska (I know you probably figured that last one out, but I did not want to break the flow).

Let me start by thanking you for coming back this week.  I am sorry I had nothing for you last week.  I will try to be annoyed more so I have topics to discuss in the future.

Now that I am retired (grudgingly), I have the opportunity to get all those wonderful phone calls that come throughout the day.  You know the ones I mean.  They start with statements like, “the FBI reports … “ or “Senior citizens should know … “  or “This is an important call regarding your credit card account … “ or some other exciting issue.  We got one the other evening from some doctor.  I am not sure what he was selling, I hung up when I realized he was not one of our doctors.  A minute later the lovely Elaine went to make a phone call and the message was still going.  Come on!  Take the hint!  If the person you called hangs up they are not interested and your call should hang up, too.

I am tempted to disconnect my regular home phone and just go with our cell phones.  There are several issues that keep me from doing so.  One is that I would have to contact all the places that I have given my home number to and let them know the new number.  The problem is that I cannot remember all the different people that I have given the number to.  Another question would be which cell number to give them.  If we use the lovely Elaine’s number, we have the problem that she is a teacher and cannot use her phone during school hours.  We could use my cell number, but that brings up a couple other issues.  I recently purchased a new cell phone – one that would sync through my car so that I would be able to be hands free on the outside chance that the two or three people who have my cell phone number would call me while I was driving.

The problem with this is that it does not offer me a regular telephone ring tone.  I have selected one that I thought would be good, but so far I am not too sure.  One of the problems is that I do not always hear it.  Another problem is that if I hear it I do not always connect the sound to my phone ringing.  The next problem is that, because it is a new phone, I am still unsure as to which button to push to answer the call.  My brother tried calling me the other day.  It took me several rings before I realized that my phone was ringing.  Then I quickly fumbled the phone out of my pocket.  I pressed the button that I thought would answer the phone and it did, but I also managed to hit the mute button (which I did not know I had) so he could not hear me when I answered.  He left a voice mail which took some time for me to retrieve, too.  I finally connected with him, but it was an adventure. 

He and my wife both have smart phones and are always going on about apps and “did you know you could do this?” all the time.  I have a dumb phone.  All I can do with my phone plan is make calls and send texts, much to my grandson Nick’s chagrin.  His phone needed charging and he wanted to use mine.  I told him that it didn’t do anything and he was appalled.  “You mean you don’t have internet access or games or anything?”  I explained that all I could do was make calls and send texts.  If he wanted to call someone or text them, my phone was his to use.  If he wanted more than that, he was beat. 

Speaking of texting, my son finds watching me text painful.  I have tried using both thumbs like most people do and I am not very good at it.  I spend more time correcting what I typed than it takes to send the actual message.  I find that I do best with one finger.  I only use two fingers – one on each hand – to type on a keyboard.  I can only use one finger to text because the other hand is holding the phone.

To get back to my archaic land line, I was thinking of changing the answering message.  My cell phone message is, “You have reached me, but not really.  Leave a message.”  For the land line I was thinking of using, “You have reached (my number).  If you are calling for a donation, I am retired and on a low fixed income.  I do not have any money to spare.  Please hang up and do not call back.  If you are calling to sell me something, forget it.  If I don’t already have it, I probably don’t want it or need it.  Please hang up and do not call back.  Otherwise, leave a message.”  The lovely Elaine gave me the look when I told her.  We are still using the old message.

This week’s fact tells us that 3.9% of all women do not wear underwear.  I would love to have been one of the people taking that survey.  Just another reason to go back to mini-skirts like I talked about a few weeks ago.