It is Sunday, October 4 and there are only 400 days until the presidential election.  Maybe by that time Gov. Christie will have figured out that he is not getting the Republican nomination.  Today we remember the birthdays of Richard Cromwell, Dick Tracy and Patti LaBelle.  On this day in 1648 Peter Stuyvesant established America’s first volunteer firemen, in 1883 the Orient Express made its first run, linking Turkey to Europe by rail and in 1969 the UN started issuing postage stamps at its Geneva headquarters.  In Bangladesh it is Shab I Barat, in Lesotho it is Independence Day and in Massachusetts it is Grandparents Day.

Today being the birthday of Dick Tracy, I thought I would provide you with yet another entry into the useless information file.  Dick Tracy was a tough and intelligent police detective (originally called Plainclothes Tracy) created by Chester Gould.  He made his debut in the comics in 1931 in the Detroit Mirror.

Tracy used forensic science, advanced gadgetry and wits in an early example of the police procedural mystery story.  However, the stories often ended in gunfights jut the same.  On January 13, 1946 the two-way radio became one of the strip’s most recognizable icons, worn as a wristwatch by Tracy (I wonder if it had an apple symbol on it).

Gould wrote and drew the strip until 1977.  Since that time, various artists and writers have continued the strip, which still runs in newspapers today.  That should help you fill the Dick Tracy section of your file.

You might recall that I mentioned being able to view myself in the mirror while taking a shower.  While I try not to make a habit of doing so, I recently took a couple of minutes to look critically and discovered something interesting.  I realized that my navel is not centered on my body and is, in fact off to the right.  I have also known for some time that my left ear is lower than my right ear.  One also has to wonder why I should care and what, if anything, does it prove.   However, this would explain a problem I continue to have when dressing.

When I was in the service, we were trained to be sure that we were “squared away” when we dressed.  That meant that we had to be sure that the line of our shirt was even with the fly on our pants and that the outside edge of our belt buckle lined up, too.  I try to do that even now because it just looks neater.  The problem I have is that I always tried to line things up using my navel as a guide.  I was never completely satisfied and always felt that my clothes were askew. Now I know why.  Next time you work up the nerve, check to see if your navel is centered.

The good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, it looks like we will be shed of our old house in the next couple days.  There is still an issue that needs to be corrected, but that is being dealt with.  The contractor who is taking care of it confided in me that the people in town who deal with this stuff are more ridiculous than he remembered.  All I could do was nod my head and say, “You don’t know the half of it.”  My adventures with these people are rife with ridiculous and soon I will be able to share some of that with you all.

By the way, I just used the word rife.  Whatever happened to using words like that?  You never hear about plethoras or dearths any more.  People do not use the many words available to them in our language.  Imagine the looks you would get if you told someone that you were going to take a postprandial nap.  Very few people know that postprandial refers to the period after lunch or dinner.  There are a number of words that people do not understand.

“I just had dental work done and now it is difficult to masticate.”

“Dude!  I was always told that would affect your eyes.”

While I realize that English is tough to master and not all the rules make sense, there is no reason for dude, bro and awesome to be some of the most commonly used words.  We can’t even speak in complete sentences anymore.  “I am going to run to the grocery store.”  “Cool, bro.  Want me to come with?”  Is it really that difficult to add the word “you”?  Do people realize that when they are talking they are not limited to 140 characters? … but I digress.

I have been running in circles for months dealing with the town on various matters.  I don’t want to spoil the story, but speaking of language, officials there do not understand logic or how to respond to logical questions.  Like I said, I don’t want to spoil the whole story, but let me just give you a teaser.  One of the issues I had to deal with was a railing I had installed on my front steps.  I was told that the railing failed inspection because the space at the bottom was large enough for a 6 inch sphere to fit through.  I asked why that was a problem and I was told that it meant that a small child could put its head in there.  I didn’t even want to get into why a small child was running around putting its head under stair railings.  My question was, “But if a child could put their head in, couldn’t they also take it back out?”  This was met by a stare that told me I had just started speaking a foreign language.  Oh well, the end is in sight!

This week our fact tells us that bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.  So many questions!  Who are they exporting the droppings to and for what purpose?  How many birds do they have that it makes exporting them worthwhile?  What does being a dropping collector pay?  What kind of money do they make on the exports?  I could go on, but why bother?  I do not know anyone on Nauru, so I have no way of getting answers.  I was hoping to end this with an amusing bird dropping wrap up, but I’ve got nothing.  See you next week!

It is Sunday, September 27 and there are only 89 days until Christmas.  Stores already have decorations out and one chain has already started advertising their lay-away services.  Today we remember the birthdays of Thomas Nast, George Raft and Wilford Brimley.  On this day in 1540 the Society of Jesus (Jesuits) was founded by Ignatius Loyola, in 1787 the Constitution was submitted to the states for ratification and in 1963 at 10:59 AM the census clock recorded the US population at 190,000,000.  In South Belgium it is French Day, in Taiwan it is the Moon Festival and in the US it is Gold Star Mother’s Day.

I am sure that not everyone knows much about the Gold Star Mothers, so I thought I would give you a bit of information.  The American Gold Star Mothers, Inc. was formed in the US shortly after World War I to provide support for mothers who lost their sons or daughters in the war.  The name came from the custom of families of servicemen hanging a banner called a Service Flag in the window of their homes.  The service Flag had a star for each family member in the US Armed Forces.  Living servicemen were represented by a blue star, and those who had lost their lives were represented by a gold star. Gold Star Mothers are often socially active but are non-political. Today, membership in the Gold Star Mothers is open to any American woman who has lost a son or daughter in service to the United States.  Now you know a little bit about the Gold Star Mothers.

Recently, I came across the words unkempt and disheveled. They were used in a sentence describing a group of unsavory people inhabiting an area under a highway.  I thought the writer was being somewhat repetitive, considering both words are synonyms.  You are either unkempt (disheveled) or disheveled (unkempt).  Saying someone is both is like saying that a woman is a female.  I have found that this is an issue with reporters lately.  They do not use the English language properly.  They tend to overwrite things in an effort to sound  … but I digress.

Anyway, I thought that a person could be unkempt or disheveled.  My question was could they be kempt or sheveled?  Yes, they can be kempt and kempt is, as you may have already suspected, the opposite of unkempt.  You cannot; however, be sheveled.  There is no such word.  Why is that?  I looked into it a little further and found that if a word has dis it is not necessarily a prefix.  So you can be discouraged, but not couraged.  You can be distraught, but not traught.  You can be disheartened, but you can also be heartened.  You can be displeased or you can be pleased.  One has to wonder how much wine was consumed over the years as the language was developed and rules were created to explain away some of the discrepancies (and no there are no crepancies).  Is it any wonder people don’t want to learn English?

We have now been in the new house just a few days short of a month.  I know, where does the time go?  We continue to settle in and get adjusted to our new surroundings.  We have purchased a few items to help fill rooms that we never had, like our sun room.  We decided that we wanted at least one comfortable chair and hassock for the room.  We started our search on line, but the lovely Elaine felt that she did not want to buy a chair without sitting in it first.  I agreed that it would be a good thing.  Besides, I did not want to have the problem of having to load the chair into my car and carting it to the store when we found out that it was not anywhere near as comfortable as it looked.

We went to several stores and were surprised at the dearth of chairs with matching hassocks that were available.   We found several that were okay, but did not come in the color we were looking for.  We found salespeople that had no idea what their store had or what colors it came in.  We went to one store and the salesperson took us to see a chair.  She said it came in three colors, but it actually only came in two.  

One store we went to had a salesperson who took us to see two different chairs.  He then said he had something else to show us.  As we walked with him, we passed a chair that looked like a possibility.  When we asked he said that he had not even thought about that chair because he forgot they had it.  It turned out that only the floor model was available and it looked like it had been tried out a number of times.  We continued on to what he wanted to show us and it turned out to be mattresses.   Mattresses!  We came in and told him we were looking for a chair with a matching hassock and he took us to see mattresses.  We headed for the door while he was in the middle of his pitch.

Have you gone furniture shopping lately?  Why is it that a store does not have all of the same type of furniture in one area?  We went into several stores and the salesperson took us to one area to show us a chair.  Then we were led to another area to see another chair.  There were a couple stores where we walked all over the store so that we could look at three different chairs.  Why couldn’t we just be led into a room where all the chairs with and without hassocks were displayed?  That would have made things a lot easier.  But what do I know?  I’m just the guy who goes in looking for a chair and is shown a mattress.

This week our fact tells us that smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve itching and swelling.  That is assuming that you just happen to have dog feces handy when you are bitten.  Of course, there are several over-the-counter remedies available that will also do the job AND you won’t smell nearly as bad if you use them.  Either way, I think I may have the mattress you want to help you ease the pain from that bite.

It is Sunday, September 20 and Fall begins in three days.  That means that the Christmas candy should be on the shelves any day now.  Today we remember the birthdays of Ferdinand (Jelly Roll) Morton, Anne Meara and Pia Lindstrom.  On this day in 1519 Magellan started his first circumnavigation of the world, in 1877 Chase National Bank opened in New York City and in 1985 Walt Disney World greeted its 200-millionth guest.  Slow holiday day this week.  In Laos it is Thanksgiving.

Just a few words regarding Walt Disney World.  It opened on October 1, 1971.  Just  11 days short of being open for 14 years they had over 200 million guests.  That is a lot of people and a good deal of income.  Is it too much to ask that they finally get an 800 number?  But I digress …

The lovely Elaine and I travelled to Disney World back in 1974.  We went by train because we could not afford both airlines tickets and a decent hotel.  Keep in mind that back then they did not have the variety of hotels that they have now.  We stayed in the Contemporary and it was great.  In those days, when you entered the park, you were given a coupon book that had tickets ranging from A to E.  The rides were categorized the same way.  

You had a good number of A tickets and could ride the Dumbo ride to your heart’s content.  There were slightly fewer B tickets, fewer C and so on until the end when you only got two E tickets.  Of course, the best rides were the E rides, so you had to make a choice as to which two you wanted to go on.  I believe they had additional ride tickets available, but the cost involved pints of blood and such.  It was quite an experience back then and continues to be one now.  There are a number of hotels and meal packages, special deals and you can still buy just about anything with some sort of mouse ears on it.  If you have never been, I recommend that you go.  It is truly a fun place to be.  Just don’t try to call them on their 800 number.  They do not have one!

Anyway, life in our new place continues.  We are adjusting, but it still feels like we are in a hotel and will be packing our luggage and heading home soon.  That feeling is fading as we realize that no one is coming in to make our bed, bring us clean towels and new little wrapped bars of soap.  Receiving our first utility bills is also a good indicator that we are, in fact, home.

I will tell you that I had a very disconcerting moment shortly after we moved in.  I was taking a shower in our walk-in glass shower stall.  At one point I turned and looked over to see myself, in all my naked glory (??) in the wall mirror across the room.  I realize that I am nowhere near buff or toned and I could stand to work on tightening up my physique.  But you have no idea what a shock it was to see this chubby, slightly sagging, naked old guy looking back at me from the mirror.  I decided that I had to do something about that right away.  So now, when I shower, I keep my eyes down so that I don’t have to see that anymore.  Problem solved!

We are working to get our routines back.  I have mapped out the distance so that we can do our daily walking.  That has become so much easier now that we do not live on a hill.  It used to be a real chore knowing that the first few minutes of our walk everyday was uphill.  Now it is all level and easier to get started.  I see some of the same people every day and, as the lovely Elaine pointed out, there are several types of people.  Some say hello or good morning as you pass, some just nod their head in your direction and some just look straight ahead and ignore you.

I am still trying to figure out the proper etiquette for the greetings.  Generally, because the community is not huge, the chances are that you will come across the same people at least twice during your walk.  The first time you see them you say hello or good morning.  What do you do when you see them again?  Do you just nod?  If you just nodded when you first saw them, do you ignore them now?  I think I should say something, but I am not sure what.  Maybe I should just warn them to be careful and make sure that they keep hydrated.  Or I could comment on how fast they are moving for an old person.  Another option would be to ask if they have a living will, just in case.  The lovely Elaine says I should just shut up.  I find that she says that a lot.  I wonder why?

For those of you who are wondering, we have not yet shed ourselves of the old house.  We are, hopefully, getting closer to wrapping that up, but nothing is easy when you are dealing with lawyers and town officials.  Suffice it to say that we are anxious to have this done so that we can stop supporting two houses.  I am relatively sure that the buyers are just as anxious so that they can get in and start making it their home.  I keep telling the lovely Elaine not to worry, that it will all be taken care of.  She keeps giving me the look.  Stay tuned for the next chapter of this continuing saga.

This week our fact tells us that platypuses can consume their own body weight in food in a 24 hour period.  Big deal!  There are several different holidays where I feel like I have done that in less than 24 hours and I am much bigger than your average platypus.

Be sure to wish all your Laotian friends a Happy Thanksgiving!

It is Sunday, September 13 and there are only 74 days until Thanksgiving, so start looking for those stretchy pants and getting ready to watch football with your trousers unbuttoned.  Today we remember the birthdays of Milton Hershey, Mel Torme and Peter Cetera.  On this day in 1788 New York City became the capital of the United States, in 1948 Margaret Chase Smith was elected senator and became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress and in 1977 the first TV viewer discretion warning was issued, for the show “Soap.”  In Rhodesia it is Pioneer Day, in the US it is National Grandparents Day and world-wide it is Dante Alighieri Day.

You are probably wondering who Dante Alighieri is and why he has a day.  Not all of you, but a couple of you, at least.  Dante was an Italian poet and moral philosopher best known for the epic poem The Divine Comedy, which comprises sections representing the three tiers of the Christian afterlife: purgatory, heaven, and hell. This poem, a great work of medieval literature and considered the greatest work of literature composed in Italian, is a philosophical Christian vision of mankind’s eternal fate. Dante is seen as the father of modern Italian, and his works have flourished since before his 1321 death.  Dante Alighieri was born in 1265 to a family with a history of involvement in the complex Florentine political scene, and this setting would become a feature in his Inferno years later.

Dante began to immerse himself in the study of philosophy and the machinations of the Florentine political scene. Florence then was a tumultuous city, with factions representing the papacy and the empire continually at odds, and Dante held a number of important public posts. In 1302, however, he fell out of favor and was exiled for life by the leaders of the Black Guelphs, the political faction in power at the time and who were in league with Pope Boniface VIII. In his exile, Dante traveled and wrote, conceiving The Divine Comedy, and he withdrew from all political activities.   The Divine Comedy is an allegory of human life presented as a visionary trip through the Christian afterlife, written as a warning to a corrupt society to steer itself to the path of righteousness.  Now you have a better understanding of who he was.  Why does he have his own day?  I do not know (shoulder shrug).

We are working at becoming fully ensconced in our new abode.  We are cleaning and polishing furniture and getting things organized.  The lovely Elaine has even cleaned the bottles and cans of cleaning products before putting them in their proper place.  We still have no idea where most things are and I find myself wandering around opening cabinet doors and drawers until I find what I need.  The problem is that I do not always remember where an item was and end up putting it back in a different place.  This means that the next time it is needed, we will have to wander and open things until we find it again.  Fortunately, the lovely Elaine does not remember where she put everything, so she does not holler at me for putting it back in the wrong place, yet.

We have started hanging art work and believe me when I tell you that I make this a major project for myself.  I can be somewhat OCD at times and the hanging of art work is one of those times.  I have two different types of nails, two different size hooks and a couple different screws to use, depending on what is being hung.  In addition, I have my tape measure and a laser level to make sure that each item is centered and leveled properly.  I usually have the lovely Elaine come into the room and tell me how far up she wants something hung.  Once we have established that and I make a mark on the wall to show where it should go, she leaves the room and I get started.

Did you know that, generally, picture frames are not simple measurements like 17 inches or 24 inches or other things like that?  No-o-o-o!  That would make it too simple.  I was measuring one frame so that I would know what I was working with and the size was 36 ¾ inches.  I am trying to center and hang this in a space that is 80 inches wide.  What makes it worse is that I need to use two nails, one on each end, and the hangers are ¾ of an inch from the top and one inch in from the side.  The two questions that immediately came to my mind were – do we really want to hang this piece and is there a way for me to get my hands on the framer of this thing?  I was assured by Elaine that we did want to hang it.  It is up, it is level and it is centered, but I am still not having nice thoughts about the framer.

I was back at the old house the other day because the work was supposed to start on the deck demolition (I will explain at a later date).  Unfortunately, it did not because, after weeks without rain, that day was the day it rained.  The work was moved to the next day and we continue to plod forward on that front.  I hope to be able to shed that burden soon.  We are currently paying for taxes, utilities and insurance on both and as my father used to say, “I am not made of money” so we need to end that situation soon.   I cannot wait to unload and tell you that whole saga when the time comes.  It may have to be a two-parter!

This week our fact tells us that you cannot snore and dream at the same time.  Of course not!  How can you dream when your wife keeps elbowing you and telling you to roll over and stop making that infernal noise?